00:39.049 --> 00:39.740
Help me.

01:28.440 --> 01:30.680
Mr.,
what do you think about being brought back from

01:30.680 --> 01:32.040
the dead to be put on trial?

01:32.269 --> 01:33.510
Do you find it humiliating?

01:33.800 --> 01:36.029
Is it true that you're driven mad by syphilis,
Mr.

01:36.199 --> 01:38.750
Columbus?
What is your sexual preference?

01:39.120 --> 01:42.639
Have you been tested for the HIV virus? Mr.
Columbus, are you in touch with your inner

01:42.639 --> 01:44.839
child?
Have you read your son's book, Daddy Dearest?

01:45.000 --> 01:48.400
No, no, no, he has not read that book, and my
client has no comment.

01:48.559 --> 01:50.319
Mr.
Columbus, do you have any comment for our

01:50.319 --> 01:53.730
viewers?
Wow. God, murderer?

01:53.860 --> 01:56.089
What rapist, baby?

01:56.419 --> 01:59.900
Do I look like a killer to you?
Do I look like a rapist?

02:00.639 --> 02:02.589
Well, that prosecuting son of a bitch.

02:02.879 --> 02:04.309
He's got nothing on me.

02:04.760 --> 02:08.089
Read the history books.
Read my lips: nothing.

02:12.039 --> 02:15.699
Mr.
A legitimate child.

02:31.539 --> 02:32.820
This court will come to order.

02:35.690 --> 02:38.940
Counselors, storm cloud, Mr.
Bob Oso.

02:42.210 --> 02:45.100
I don't know what you two have in mind, but let
me remind you,

02:45.270 --> 02:48.070
I will not let my courtroom be turned into a
circus.

02:57.839 --> 03:04.429
Zero zero zero, to all my relations. Oh.

03:04.830 --> 03:10.270
How, how, how, how.
We Hispanics have struggled long and hard in

03:10.270 --> 03:13.500
this country.
We no longer need to resort to witchcraft.

03:13.630 --> 03:15.029
Try to act civilized.

03:25.580 --> 03:26.580
Go get him, Bobby.

03:32.649 --> 03:37.759
First of all, I'd like to say that the
discovery of America was inevitable.

03:38.330 --> 03:40.410
It was sort of an accident, if you will.

03:41.649 --> 03:45.360
My client was actually on his way to Japan for
Christ's sake.

03:47.169 --> 03:53.399
Columbus, a fearful explorer embarking on an
adventure unlike any other,

03:53.770 --> 03:56.160
and if I may quote from the history books.

03:59.779 --> 04:05.179
Christopher Columbus, a skilled Italian seaman
now stepped upon the stage of history,

04:05.389 --> 04:10.139
a man of vision, resourcefulness, energy, and
courage.

04:11.190 --> 04:13.440
Care and trouble had turned his hair white.

04:15.300 --> 04:20.140
His temper was naturally irritable, but he
subdued it by the benevolence and generosity of

04:20.140 --> 04:21.420
his true heart.

04:24.029 --> 04:30.500
Your honor, he was the first, primero Numero Uno,
to bring religion to these godless people.

04:32.609 --> 04:34.579
My client did not commit a crime.

04:34.790 --> 04:40.059
He, in fact, introduced Europe to America, the
old world to the new world.

04:41.130 --> 04:45.739
Much like a chocolate peanut butter cup.

04:46.910 --> 04:48.369
Now I ask you, Your Honor.

04:49.350 --> 04:50.809
Is this a crime?

04:53.420 --> 04:58.179
Columbus's presence marked the beginning of the
end of all the barbarism that existed

04:58.179 --> 05:02.220
throughout the Americas, especially human
sacrifice.

05:08.660 --> 05:15.579
Your Honor, whom I believe is Spanish by way of
Mexico, what harm did Columbus do in the

05:15.579 --> 05:18.579
Caribbean?
Heathens think where they would be today,

05:18.690 --> 05:21.649
Your Highness, with the tribal wars.

05:22.160 --> 05:25.329
I brought along horses.
I brought the wheel.

05:25.640 --> 05:27.489
I brought Julio Iglesias.

05:27.700 --> 05:33.369
And more thanks to me, I gave them one common
language, Spanish, hola,

05:33.540 --> 05:36.369
and I gave them Christianity.

05:37.709 --> 05:43.839
It was a beautiful meeting between two worlds.
Objection, Your Honor.

05:44.130 --> 05:47.970
It was not religious fervor that brought them
here; no, it was the insatiable lust for

05:47.970 --> 05:49.079
gold.
What?

05:49.250 --> 05:52.929
Order! Gold, gold, gold, gold.
This court will come to order.

05:53.929 --> 05:56.309
You're out of order, Your Honor.
With all due respect.

05:56.600 --> 06:00.109
This man is a traveling salesman, a
self-promoter of the worst kind.

06:00.279 --> 06:05.000
What he calls a discovery was nothing more than
a lucrative business venture with free labor

06:05.000 --> 06:07.200
thrown in.
I demand order.

06:07.399 --> 06:10.910
Don't you see he brought Hispanic culture to
the Americas?

06:10.959 --> 06:13.989
This is outrageous.
You're supposed to be objective,

06:14.579 --> 06:16.209
Dey.
We must be related.

06:16.720 --> 06:23.100
Would you like a cup?
I had to cross the big ocean roof.

06:24.209 --> 06:25.420
I'm an explorer.

06:26.130 --> 06:29.920
The Indians that were running around naked,
swimming, lounging,

06:30.489 --> 06:34.040
they thought it was Club Med and living
without religion.

06:34.190 --> 06:38.769
Imagine that, Judge.
So why don't you accuse me of having saved

06:38.769 --> 06:42.209
their souls?
Why don't you accuse me of having discovered

06:42.209 --> 06:44.529
the Americas, huh?
Objection, Your Honor.

06:44.570 --> 06:48.369
The terms discover and New World must be
stricken from the record.

06:48.410 --> 06:53.399
He didn't discover anything.
In fact, the Indians discovered him on their

06:53.399 --> 06:55.350
beaches, trespassing.

06:56.739 --> 07:00.410
No smoking in my courtroom.
Oh geez, tell me,

07:00.489 --> 07:04.470
Mr. Columbus.
What was that deal that you'd worked out with

07:04.470 --> 07:06.010
the Queen Isabella of Spain?

07:06.709 --> 07:11.730
The term was 10% of all the wealth we brought
over from Japan and the new route,

07:12.160 --> 07:14.309
and mind you, I got screwed on that deal.

07:14.850 --> 07:19.299
He said Japan, this is not Japan, this is what
you call America.

07:19.329 --> 07:22.149
Oh my God, are you trying to accuse me of that?
Can I make a mistake?

07:22.799 --> 07:25.880
People think I'm Spaniard, but really I'm
Italian, but I go,

07:26.000 --> 07:28.760
so what?
I'm still the great discoverer, right?

07:29.279 --> 07:32.459
Isn't it, in fact, you treated the Indians like
animals?

07:32.579 --> 07:34.589
Well, that depends on what you mean by animals.
I mean,

07:34.709 --> 07:37.230
personally, I like dogs.
I like Dobermans.

07:37.269 --> 07:41.480
I like the German shepherds, hunting dogs.
Oh, we brought all kinds over to the Caribbean.

07:42.109 --> 07:43.829
Here, Poochie.
Here, poochie, poochie.

07:44.170 --> 07:49.494
He poochie, poochi.
The dogs were fed the flesh of natives upon

07:49.494 --> 07:52.845
your instruction to get them used to Indian
flesh.

07:52.975 --> 07:57.475
You didn't see Indians as fellow human beings.
You enslaved them and after a few years you

07:57.475 --> 08:00.595
exterminated every last one of them off the
island of Espanola,

08:00.734 --> 08:04.000
correct? Mr.
Columbus, huh?

08:05.179 --> 08:06.079
Right?
What?

08:06.200 --> 08:07.130
What?
What?

08:07.220 --> 08:08.410
Espanola?

08:08.679 --> 08:11.739
00, Espanola, yeah, um, uh.

08:30.839 --> 08:33.309
He's a discoverer.
He's a rapist.

08:33.390 --> 08:35.219
He's a giver.
He's a taker.

08:35.349 --> 08:36.539
He's powerful.

08:36.750 --> 08:39.419
He's sexy.
He's Hanniballetcher.

08:39.590 --> 08:41.229
He's Gerard de Paril.

08:46.130 --> 08:49.200
Your Honor, I would like to quote from the
Columbus Journal.

08:54.059 --> 08:56.380
I have sent men to the river.

08:57.390 --> 09:04.000
And they have brought me back seven head of
women, girls and adults and 3

09:04.000 --> 09:10.580
infants, Your Honor, entered 1211, 1492, signed
one Christopher

09:10.580 --> 09:16.859
Columbus, as one can see, Your Honor, being Indian and
a woman immediately puts you on the

09:16.859 --> 09:18.020
same level as cattle.

09:19.320 --> 09:22.080
If I were you, I would banish him from all the
history books,

09:22.159 --> 09:23.830
but that's your choice, Your Honor.

09:24.200 --> 09:27.409
I myself am pro-choice. Oh.

09:28.830 --> 09:31.140
We'll take a 15 minute adjournment.

09:31.349 --> 09:34.729
Hey Tonto, why don't we just forget about this
whole mess,

09:34.739 --> 09:36.700
huh?
No harm, no foul.

09:36.869 --> 09:40.630
Listen, kid, I have a reputation to uphold here.
You know,

09:40.669 --> 09:45.190
I'm known in the new world, in the old world, and
the whole universe as the great explorer,

09:45.270 --> 09:47.679
so why ruin that?
Yeah, with a guilty verdict,

09:47.869 --> 09:49.109
imagine how difficult it will be to

09:49.330 --> 09:53.719
get into the history books, the street signs, that
detective, the city of Ohio.

09:53.890 --> 09:57.890
Listen, I know what I'll be willing to do.
I'm willing to share my holiday with one of you

09:57.890 --> 10:01.010
Indians.
I'll call it Columbus Pocahontas Day.

10:01.049 --> 10:02.599
What do you say?
I'm not such a bad guy.

10:02.690 --> 10:06.049
I saw Dances with Wolves.
Oh, what a beautiful movie.

10:06.179 --> 10:07.659
Drop the charges, Storm Cloud.

10:07.890 --> 10:09.619
What do you say, Chicano brother?

10:12.119 --> 10:15.669
Leonard Peltier sits in a federal prison for
doing nothing.

10:17.489 --> 10:19.599
And you want to walk away from this, Godfrey.

10:20.789 --> 10:23.859
We've been waiting 500 years for this one.

10:26.590 --> 10:28.109
Tonto, don't play that.

10:45.849 --> 10:49.599
It's not.
Punta Kinte?

10:49.690 --> 10:52.619
No, just call me X.
All right, X.

10:53.530 --> 10:57.039
I've got some important information concerning
this case that might be of great importance

10:57.039 --> 11:01.780
to you.
Look, you're about to break open a great

11:01.780 --> 11:03.130
historical conspiracy.

11:03.380 --> 11:05.219
I've got important dates and facts.

11:05.489 --> 11:06.429
All right, what's up?
What's up?

11:06.500 --> 11:07.960
Check it out.
The white man.

11:08.219 --> 11:10.659
That's wrong.
The white man ain't in the script.

11:13.599 --> 11:19.599
The black man, the red man, and the brown man.
We are all in the same situation.

11:19.929 --> 11:24.479
Look, you think about it.
Columbus, Isabella born,

11:24.729 --> 11:26.289
1451. OK.

11:27.460 --> 11:30.219
Haley's Comet five years later, streaks.

11:31.520 --> 11:34.630
Holes, streaks across.

11:35.619 --> 11:39.299
The sky.
So, what?

11:39.630 --> 11:42.260
Look, don't you get it, man? Extermination.

11:42.469 --> 11:43.880
It's a thirteen-letter word.

11:44.239 --> 11:50.270
Now, Columbus would string up and burn groups of
thirteen Taino Indians at a time in honor of our

11:50.270 --> 11:53.380
Redeemer and his twelve apostles.
Now, that's thirteen.

11:53.909 --> 11:57.340
Leonardo da Vinci depicts his Last Supper with
the same number.

11:57.400 --> 11:59.150
Thirteen, man.
Think about it.

12:01.229 --> 12:07.989
Four hundred fifty years later, the Cleveland Indians beat the
New York Yankees in the World Series.

12:08.789 --> 12:14.070
Yes.
Once again, Haley's Comet streaks across the

12:14.070 --> 12:20.400
sky.
Excuse me, mister, just call me X. X.

12:20.650 --> 12:22.940
This has been a really nice multicultural
moment.

12:23.770 --> 12:27.210
I have no idea what this information has to do
with my prosecution.

12:29.619 --> 12:31.179
You should see my therapist.

12:31.510 --> 12:34.510
Don't you want your silly long-haired ass away
from me?

12:35.710 --> 12:39.369
Look, you see, if y'all Indians hadn't
died and been lazy and shit,

12:39.700 --> 12:43.739
the white man would never have brought us over
here to pick his cotton or to cut his sugar

12:43.739 --> 12:46.179
cane.
Look, look, look, you've got the Cosbys.

12:46.219 --> 12:47.979
You've come a long way.
Don't forget that.

12:49.419 --> 12:50.479
Don't you forget, SA.

12:51.280 --> 12:52.710
You remember this shit, man.

12:53.239 --> 12:56.119
You're representing us all.
This is five hundred years,

12:56.159 --> 12:58.679
my mestizo brother. Five hundred.

13:05.940 --> 13:07.299
This court will come to order.

13:18.440 --> 13:23.919
The bench has deliberated and found Mister
Christopher Columbus not guilty of any crime

13:23.919 --> 13:24.960
whatsoever. Yes.

13:25.659 --> 13:30.049
There is simply insufficient evidence to find
him guilty beyond all reasonable doubt.

13:30.950 --> 13:37.789
He will remain the adventurous explorer and
hero of all Italian Americans and the icon of

13:37.789 --> 13:39.070
all the Americas.

13:40.059 --> 13:43.219
Furthermore, he will not be banished from the
history books.

13:44.239 --> 13:45.590
Court adjourned.

13:58.520 --> 14:02.979
I failed.
I failed my people.

14:03.729 --> 14:04.799
It's OK, honey.

14:05.140 --> 14:06.880
Oh no, you don't get it, do you, little sister?

14:10.369 --> 14:12.530
The Chicanos are gonna cut off my brain.

14:17.390 --> 14:24.250
I'll fix it.
What do you mean, fix?

14:24.799 --> 14:30.140
Where are you going?
Uh, sister, you going out?

14:35.619 --> 14:41.559
He's doing well. Can you give me some fried bread
while you're out?

14:50.640 --> 14:53.200
Bobby, you did great, great.

14:53.679 --> 14:57.349
You're always going to be the great explorer,
Columbus.

14:57.479 --> 14:58.530
Do you take gold?

14:59.719 --> 15:01.520
I'll take the Discovery card.

15:02.599 --> 15:05.299
Oh, we had that Indian run.
Oh yeah, and we'll have some pa.

15:05.530 --> 15:07.710
Yeah, I got tickets to the Gypsy Kings.
Columbus.

15:07.719 --> 15:09.390
You've just been acquitted.
How do you feel?

15:10.359 --> 15:13.280
Chevere.
Also, will you be selling the movie rights?

15:14.320 --> 15:15.390
And you're going to Disneyland.

15:16.039 --> 15:17.549
Who did you pay off?
What do you mean?

15:19.909 --> 15:22.469
Someone was shot. Stop that person.

15:22.719 --> 15:24.219
Somebody call an ambulance!

15:24.559 --> 15:26.559
Do you have any final comments, Mr.
Columbus?

15:33.969 --> 15:35.590
He's been shot.
Columbus has been shot.

15:35.940 --> 15:38.020
He will be in Italy or Spain.
Back to you, Jack.

15:44.070 --> 15:45.710
Any final thoughts, Mr.
Columbus?

15:47.690 --> 15:51.929
For our viewers who have just joined us, the
famed Italian explorer was shot today in the

15:51.929 --> 15:53.200
corridors of the courthouse.

15:53.570 --> 15:57.210
He is here live, um, barely alive.

15:57.609 --> 15:59.559
How does it feel to be shot, Mr.
Columbus?

16:01.929 --> 16:04.369
This has been Anita Chorizo at the civic center.

16:04.570 --> 16:07.460
Back to you, Jack.
What's that?

16:07.719 --> 16:09.570
That's Christopher Columbus.

16:10.039 --> 16:12.520
You read about him in your history books,
Descubiertas.

16:13.809 --> 16:15.070
He's almost dead.

16:15.530 --> 16:17.289
So say goodbye to me, huh? Bye.

16:30.219 --> 16:32.369
You shot the right one, baby.

16:33.669 --> 16:37.109
Uh-huh, yeah. Uh-huh.

16:37.880 --> 16:39.719
Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

16:43.669 --> 16:44.940
Free at last.

16:46.520 --> 16:53.109
With the sea,
to me it's not the north nor the

16:53.109 --> 16:56.400
tropical sea, but it's, yeah.

17:00.020 --> 17:03.799
in Hawaii.
It is in

17:03.799 --> 17:09.910
Waikiki. Hey, the beach boys are free with

17:09.910 --> 17:16.880
the hope of one, but it's a little brown girl
in a little gray skirt in a little

17:16.880 --> 17:23.680
brown.
That island wonderland,

17:25.020 --> 17:27.550
she's broken all the Connies' hearts.

17:29.689 --> 17:34.270
It's not hard to understand that.

17:36.930 --> 17:42.589
Yeah, the thrill I enjoy is the eye.

17:44.160 --> 17:49.680
The first is a little brown gal in the little
gray skirt.