00:01:16.220 --> 00:01:20.974
[heavy breathing]

00:01:24.853 --> 00:01:28.649
[running footsteps]

00:01:31.025 --> 00:01:33.862
[gentle music]

00:01:42.577 --> 00:01:45.329
[Donna VO] I am here because
the sun went down.

00:01:46.039 --> 00:01:49.793
Chaos began and the
bats flew overhead.

00:01:51.086 --> 00:01:54.089
I am here because
the sky went black,

00:01:54.089 --> 00:01:56.217
the clouds disappeared,

00:01:56.217 --> 00:01:59.095
and I watched myself walk away.

00:02:00.096 --> 00:02:03.433
I am here because I want to
dance with shame.

00:02:03.433 --> 00:02:05.602
No, deny it!

00:02:05.602 --> 00:02:09.398
It's your shame.
It's your damn shame.

00:02:10.607 --> 00:02:13.110
I am here because I am.

00:02:13.902 --> 00:02:17.197
[birds calling]

00:02:18.824 --> 00:02:21.744
[machinery whirrs]

00:02:29.418 --> 00:02:31.127
[Donna] Welcome everyone.

00:02:32.505 --> 00:02:35.592
I'm going to probably
spend a few minutes

00:02:35.592 --> 00:02:37.928
just introducing myself.

00:02:37.928 --> 00:02:43.141
But basically I am a survivor
of extreme childhood abuse.

00:02:43.141 --> 00:02:45.685
Incest trauma, um,

00:02:45.685 --> 00:02:53.150
and I didn't really know that
until my mid twenties when,

00:02:53.150 --> 00:02:56.195
I guess I had a moment
where something,

00:02:56.195 --> 00:02:58.947
I got triggered and it
kind of came up for me.

00:02:58.947 --> 00:03:02.535
And that started me
on a massive journey,

00:03:02.535 --> 00:03:04.369
where I was like, you know,
right I am going to, you know,

00:03:04.369 --> 00:03:08.623
fix this, um, and the more
that I kind of tried to do,

00:03:08.623 --> 00:03:13.210
to get better, to deal with it,

00:03:13.210 --> 00:03:15.002
actually, kind of
the worse it got.

00:03:15.002 --> 00:03:16.044
[laughs]

00:03:16.044 --> 00:03:17.086
And one of the things

00:03:17.086 --> 00:03:20.131
was I started to feel really,
really angry at one point,

00:03:20.131 --> 00:03:22.592
and I started to do boxing
and I really enjoyed it.

00:03:22.592 --> 00:03:24.343
And then I started
to do sparring,

00:03:24.343 --> 00:03:26.010
and then I started fighting.

00:03:26.010 --> 00:03:30.056
And the, um, yeah I know!

00:03:30.056 --> 00:03:32.517
And I sort of, you know,
didn't do particularly well,

00:03:32.517 --> 00:03:34.853
because what started to happen
is I'd get into the ring

00:03:34.853 --> 00:03:38.315
and stuff from my trauma
would start to play out.

00:03:38.315 --> 00:03:40.400
I'd freeze, I'd dissociate,

00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:44.488
um, I'd feel really
powerless, etcetera.

00:03:44.488 --> 00:03:47.950
But I also felt like there was
this great amount of healing

00:03:47.950 --> 00:03:52.038
within this space, you know,
like I had a goal,

00:03:52.038 --> 00:03:55.041
and I was getting fitter and
stronger and I was sort of,

00:03:55.041 --> 00:03:59.462
and I felt really determined,
so there was a sense of, um...

00:03:59.462 --> 00:04:01.881
I don't... It just felt
like a metaphor, really,

00:04:01.881 --> 00:04:03.507
like that I was
fighting for self.

00:04:04.384 --> 00:04:07.346
Anyway, at the same time too,
I was also journal writing,

00:04:07.346 --> 00:04:11.434
and you know, obviously therapy,
and um, I just thought,

00:04:11.434 --> 00:04:13.310
it would be really cool,
what happens,

00:04:13.310 --> 00:04:15.019
what would happen if you
actually got a bunch of women

00:04:15.019 --> 00:04:17.688
like I know there's other
survivors like me,

00:04:17.688 --> 00:04:20.440
and we actually kind of spoke
about the trauma,

00:04:20.440 --> 00:04:23.693
and we did that through writing
and then we just boxed!

00:04:23.944 --> 00:04:26.072
You know, I think that would be
kind of really cool.

00:04:26.072 --> 00:04:29.785
Um, and I think that part of it
was about me actually selfishly,

00:04:29.785 --> 00:04:31.996
you know, really wanting to meet
other women like me.

00:04:31.996 --> 00:04:35.166
I felt very, very alone
for a long time.

00:04:35.166 --> 00:04:37.168
So I just set up the group.

00:04:38.962 --> 00:04:45.802
I was ritually abused by family
and um, a coven.

00:04:46.177 --> 00:04:52.100
I suppose I found that,
when everything was repressed,

00:04:52.100 --> 00:04:57.105
and I have, I'm dissociative,
and I found it really isolating

00:04:57.105 --> 00:05:00.025
how many people couldn't
stand to hear my story,

00:05:00.025 --> 00:05:01.692
what was happening for me.

00:05:02.236 --> 00:05:04.238
It was too awful,
it was too much,

00:05:04.238 --> 00:05:07.700
and, um, I had a counsellor
who sort of implied

00:05:07.700 --> 00:05:09.201
that I really should shutup

00:05:09.201 --> 00:05:11.454
and not to talk to
other people, um...

00:05:12.454 --> 00:05:17.959
Which then also made me think,
um, you know, how,

00:05:17.959 --> 00:05:19.418
well where are the
other survivors?

00:05:19.418 --> 00:05:20.919
Where...
Who is there to look to?

00:05:20.919 --> 00:05:22.170
And for years, and years,
and years,

00:05:22.170 --> 00:05:25.507
I wanted someone to look up to,
who had a similar story,

00:05:25.507 --> 00:05:26.966
survived something similar,

00:05:26.966 --> 00:05:29.886
and there was absolutely nobody.

00:05:29.886 --> 00:05:33.640
I met Donna at a twelve step
program, yeah? That's okay?

00:05:33.640 --> 00:05:35.141
[laughing] Just saying...

00:05:35.141 --> 00:05:36.475
I mean, you said it.

00:05:36.475 --> 00:05:38.560
Um, and just went...
[exclaims]

00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:42.523
Like, um, felt really connected.

00:05:42.523 --> 00:05:46.985
And, um, and then when Donna
was saying she was doing this,

00:05:46.985 --> 00:05:51.447
it felt, um, extraordinarily
right for me.

00:05:51.447 --> 00:05:53.991
The actual boxing, writing idea,
I'm a writer.

00:05:53.991 --> 00:05:56.327
The boxing, writing idea
I think is brilliant.

00:05:56.327 --> 00:05:57.536
It's absolutely brilliant.

00:05:57.536 --> 00:06:00.664
You know, like writing's
so reflective and inner,

00:06:00.664 --> 00:06:04.960
and boxing, you know,
I'd come out, you know, um,

00:06:04.960 --> 00:06:07.546
really exhausted,
really starving,

00:06:07.546 --> 00:06:10.090
but feel like I was in
my body and feel strong

00:06:10.090 --> 00:06:13.844
and I don't, I don't know
if I'd really felt that before.

00:06:13.844 --> 00:06:16.013
I've never done boxing before.

00:06:16.180 --> 00:06:21.143
Um, so for me this is, I'm here
because this is a political act.

00:06:21.560 --> 00:06:24.397
The reason why
I'm here is to, um,

00:06:24.397 --> 00:06:28.818
get in touch with my anger,
and my body.

00:06:29.109 --> 00:06:33.155
Um, I find it really hard
to express my anger.

00:06:33.780 --> 00:06:40.036
And, um, when I first
told a counsellor

00:06:40.036 --> 00:06:42.372
that I was an incest survivor,

00:06:42.372 --> 00:06:45.960
it was like an atomic bomb
went off in my life.

00:06:46.418 --> 00:06:50.672
It might be that we start to
place a value judgement

00:06:50.672 --> 00:06:52.674
on where each other's at,

00:06:52.674 --> 00:06:55.177
and that's something that
I really want to be,

00:06:55.177 --> 00:06:57.179
that I want to kind of
pick each other up on.

00:06:57.179 --> 00:06:59.139
Um, and just for you
to kind of consider

00:06:59.139 --> 00:07:03.310
that this is not about, um,
who's got the worst story,

00:07:03.310 --> 00:07:06.313
or, you know, who's more
fucked up than the other.

00:07:06.313 --> 00:07:08.105
Um, at all!

00:07:08.105 --> 00:07:11.567
Um, some of us will, um,
naturally have had some,

00:07:11.567 --> 00:07:14.070
you know,
experiences of intensity

00:07:14.070 --> 00:07:15.654
that might be on
a greater scale.

00:07:15.654 --> 00:07:17.990
Um, but I actually really
don't think it's helpful

00:07:17.990 --> 00:07:21.368
to have a value judgement
placed on that.

00:07:21.368 --> 00:07:22.744
Because what that will do

00:07:22.744 --> 00:07:25.789
is it actually minimises
your own experience.

00:07:25.789 --> 00:07:28.208
Um, and this is,
that's totally counter

00:07:28.208 --> 00:07:30.042
to what this
workshop's about.

00:07:30.042 --> 00:07:32.962
Your experience is your
experience, equally,

00:07:32.962 --> 00:07:34.671
and it's just going
to be different.

00:07:35.298 --> 00:07:39.969
I, never knew I was
a survivor really,

00:07:39.969 --> 00:07:41.470
until a couple of years ago,

00:07:41.470 --> 00:07:49.060
but I had a really difficult,
um, teenage years and childhood,

00:07:50.270 --> 00:07:54.441
and it was sort of an incident,
I'd always known it happened,

00:07:54.441 --> 00:07:56.610
but I never thought
it was something

00:07:56.610 --> 00:07:58.695
that I'd had all of these
difficult things,

00:07:58.695 --> 00:08:00.404
and no one really knew why,

00:08:00.404 --> 00:08:03.616
and I had an eating disorder,
a pretty bad eating disorder,

00:08:03.616 --> 00:08:06.494
through periods of my
teenage years and,

00:08:06.494 --> 00:08:09.872
anxiety and depression and I
just feel like my teenage years

00:08:09.872 --> 00:08:15.210
were just, um,
really robbed from me.

00:08:16.712 --> 00:08:22.801
Yeah, so I um, was diagnosed
with PTSD about 11 years ago,

00:08:22.801 --> 00:08:25.763
which is kind of when
my mind broke, I guess.

00:08:25.763 --> 00:08:31.561
Um, and it was triggered by,
um...

00:08:32.603 --> 00:08:34.521
My, going to visit my Nan,

00:08:34.521 --> 00:08:38.109
and revisiting a site
of the trauma,

00:08:38.109 --> 00:08:41.154
and I'd always known
what had happened,

00:08:41.154 --> 00:08:45.700
I actually like, told my,
told a parent at the time

00:08:45.700 --> 00:08:47.284
and they intervened
and protected me

00:08:47.284 --> 00:08:49.369
which I'm very, very grateful.

00:08:49.369 --> 00:08:51.955
But it was already
sort of ten years too late.

00:08:51.955 --> 00:08:53.539
Um...

00:08:54.499 --> 00:08:55.208
Yeah...

00:08:55.541 --> 00:08:57.000
[Donna] I've got a note
about trigger warnings,

00:08:57.000 --> 00:09:00.170
basically, look, entering
this space is a trigger.

00:09:00.629 --> 00:09:03.173
[all laughing]

00:09:03.173 --> 00:09:04.799
[Donna] Um, so...

00:09:05.592 --> 00:09:07.970
[woman] Trigger warnings...
[laughing]

00:09:07.970 --> 00:09:09.596
[Donna] Yeah, if you feel that
you've written something

00:09:09.596 --> 00:09:12.307
that is really, really angry,
or like really out there,

00:09:12.307 --> 00:09:13.849
you may wish to give
a trigger warning,

00:09:13.849 --> 00:09:15.308
but I'm just going
to let you know

00:09:15.308 --> 00:09:17.852
that you probably will be
triggered, if not already.

00:09:17.852 --> 00:09:19.269
Yeah?

00:09:19.603 --> 00:09:21.521
The prompt's there and we'll
kind of open them up

00:09:21.521 --> 00:09:24.691
and we start writing,
and we do that generatively.

00:09:24.691 --> 00:09:26.902
Today it will probably only
be about 10 minutes

00:09:26.902 --> 00:09:28.820
because of the introduction

00:09:28.820 --> 00:09:32.115
and then, but it'll be about
15 minutes and we share.

00:09:32.115 --> 00:09:35.160
Again, just to remind you,
there's no, um,

00:09:35.160 --> 00:09:36.702
you don't have to...

00:09:36.702 --> 00:09:39.539
Well you really don't know what
you're going to write, actually.

00:09:39.539 --> 00:09:40.915
Because it's very unconscious,

00:09:40.915 --> 00:09:43.418
it's really what ever
happens, happens.

00:09:43.418 --> 00:09:44.460
Because that's the sort of stuff

00:09:44.460 --> 00:09:46.127
that we're really
interested in is,

00:09:46.127 --> 00:09:48.129
what's going on unconsciously.

00:09:48.129 --> 00:09:51.091
Okay, so again just
to remind everyone,

00:09:51.091 --> 00:09:53.552
hopefully you can see that
upside down.

00:09:53.552 --> 00:09:54.678
You can choose
whatever you want,

00:09:54.678 --> 00:09:56.512
you can incorporate things,

00:09:56.512 --> 00:09:57.804
or you can just do
your own thing.

00:09:57.804 --> 00:10:00.348
So it's being here, today.

00:10:00.849 --> 00:10:02.892
I am here because...

00:10:02.977 --> 00:10:04.937
Let me tell you why
I am doing this...

00:10:04.937 --> 00:10:07.022
If you get stuck, it is?

00:10:07.022 --> 00:10:09.358
[women] What I really
want to say is...

00:10:09.358 --> 00:10:10.234
[Donna] Yep.

00:10:10.234 --> 00:10:11.943
What I really want to say is...

00:10:11.943 --> 00:10:16.114
Okay, and I'm going to
start the timer, now.

00:10:37.093 --> 00:10:41.181
[Donna VO] I think I was 25,
I was at a party,

00:10:41.181 --> 00:10:43.266
and I met a woman,

00:10:43.266 --> 00:10:47.229
she had written three
books about herself,

00:10:47.229 --> 00:10:52.066
and she told me and my partner
about her experiences,

00:10:52.066 --> 00:10:54.818
and they were all
rooted in abuse.

00:10:56.320 --> 00:11:01.116
And something she'd said, I just
started to feel really weird.

00:11:01.116 --> 00:11:04.036
Went to the bathroom
and I just felt like the room,

00:11:04.036 --> 00:11:06.121
you know, spinning,
and it wasn't alcohol,

00:11:06.121 --> 00:11:09.458
and I just thought, oh my God,
something's happened.

00:11:09.792 --> 00:11:13.921
And I just remember, you know,
going to bed crying,

00:11:13.921 --> 00:11:19.176
and then waking up the next day
and going, I've been abused.

00:11:21.344 --> 00:11:25.973
It was like I'd lived my
whole life before that,

00:11:25.973 --> 00:11:30.394
as a lie, and it was
the weirdest feeling,

00:11:30.394 --> 00:11:31.895
it was like I'd woken up.
[snaps fingers]

00:11:31.895 --> 00:11:33.312
[alarm beeping]

00:11:33.312 --> 00:11:34.146
[women exclaim]

00:11:34.146 --> 00:11:36.022
[Donna] I know!
That always happens, sorry.

00:11:46.491 --> 00:11:48.910
"I'm here to overcome
my fear of cameras.

00:11:48.910 --> 00:11:50.744
"Today is a big day for me.

00:11:50.744 --> 00:11:53.288
"After years of child porn
I'm facing a camera,

00:11:53.288 --> 00:11:57.542
"by choice for the first time,
and so far holding it together."

00:11:58.042 --> 00:12:01.671
"I'm here because I could pull
a blanket over my head,

00:12:01.671 --> 00:12:04.716
"a blanket of solitude,
of safety.

00:12:04.716 --> 00:12:08.094
"I'm here because I could create
a shield around me.

00:12:08.094 --> 00:12:12.265
"I'm here because I decided to
be, to stop self annihilating,

00:12:12.265 --> 00:12:14.518
"to practice
grounding disciplines."

00:12:14.518 --> 00:12:15.935
"He laid on top of me

00:12:15.935 --> 00:12:18.980
"and stroked my sparse
blond pubic hair

00:12:18.980 --> 00:12:21.775
"and said, "You're becoming
a woman now".

00:12:21.775 --> 00:12:25.738
"I react now as a woman
by rarely having sex,

00:12:25.738 --> 00:12:28.241
"or being terrified of sex."

00:12:28.241 --> 00:12:30.369
[Lauren] "I am here because I'm
tired of being treated

00:12:30.369 --> 00:12:32.161
"like there's something
wrong with me,

00:12:32.161 --> 00:12:38.125
"somehow deficient and damaged,
not right, too much, intense.

00:12:38.125 --> 00:12:39.959
"I'm sick of not
being given dignity

00:12:39.959 --> 00:12:41.877
"as someone
experiencing the very real

00:12:41.877 --> 00:12:44.213
"and well documented
impacts of trauma

00:12:44.213 --> 00:12:47.133
"from an experience
I had no control over."

00:12:48.092 --> 00:12:49.468
"What I really want to say is

00:12:49.468 --> 00:12:52.012
"I'm so sorry
to the child inside,

00:12:52.012 --> 00:12:55.015
"that you had to
bear that weight."

00:12:55.015 --> 00:12:56.016
[sniffing]

00:12:56.016 --> 00:12:57.725
"That you were abused
and lied to.

00:12:57.725 --> 00:13:00.311
"What I really want to say is
what I really want to say is

00:13:00.311 --> 00:13:02.814
"what I really want to say is
that it isn't your fault.

00:13:02.814 --> 00:13:06.192
"It was his. He was the adult
and you were a child."

00:13:06.192 --> 00:13:07.068
[sniffing]

00:13:07.068 --> 00:13:09.404
"And he lied.
He said if you were silent

00:13:09.404 --> 00:13:12.824
"no one else would
be hurt, and he lied."

00:13:12.824 --> 00:13:15.243
So we're going to take
just a couple of minutes.

00:13:15.243 --> 00:13:18.580
Put the seats to the side,

00:13:18.580 --> 00:13:20.247
or just if you need to
go to the bathroom,

00:13:20.247 --> 00:13:21.789
just do that, I'll put
the seats to the side.

00:13:21.789 --> 00:13:23.749
Then we'll do the wraps

00:13:23.749 --> 00:13:27.670
and I'll put on music and we're
going to start a warm up.

00:13:28.170 --> 00:13:30.004
Cool.

00:13:30.631 --> 00:13:33.676
Yeah. So you're just going
around your wrist a few times.

00:13:36.971 --> 00:13:38.722
They're quite long actually.

00:13:38.847 --> 00:13:40.681
[Donna] That's great,
and then just kind of keep,

00:13:40.681 --> 00:13:41.932
keep sort of
wrapping it around,

00:13:41.932 --> 00:13:44.017
as though you're sort of
bandaging yourself, I guess.

00:13:46.228 --> 00:13:47.270
But you want a bit of,

00:13:47.270 --> 00:13:50.732
a little bit of room with your,
with your little fingers.

00:13:50.732 --> 00:13:53.110
-[Dove] Do I go through there?
-[Donna] Yeah, go around.

00:13:53.110 --> 00:13:57.448
And then, come around there,
through there...

00:13:58.032 --> 00:13:59.908
[Donna] We have to really
finish the warm up.

00:14:00.201 --> 00:14:03.705
So, we just sort of jump
on the spot, just for a bit.

00:14:05.456 --> 00:14:08.084
And ah, do some rotations.

00:14:08.543 --> 00:14:10.712
[dance music playing
in background]

00:14:10.712 --> 00:14:13.965
[Donna] And just arms up,
just following me, yep.

00:14:18.553 --> 00:14:21.305
So you didn't learn that one
at the boxing coach? Yeah.

00:14:21.640 --> 00:14:23.768
Yeah, and again,
just some more rotations

00:14:23.768 --> 00:14:26.520
because boxing's really
about a lot of rotation.

00:14:26.520 --> 00:14:27.562
A lot of hip work.

00:14:29.148 --> 00:14:31.024
[Donna] Nice work.

00:14:34.445 --> 00:14:36.405
It's the famous bear crawl.

00:14:40.243 --> 00:14:41.785
Are you okay?

00:14:41.785 --> 00:14:43.536
[woman] Yeah, yeah.

00:14:43.913 --> 00:14:45.039
Okay, good.

00:14:45.539 --> 00:14:48.291
[dance music continues]

00:14:48.709 --> 00:14:53.714
[Donna] So that is known as
jab, cross. Yeah?

00:14:53.714 --> 00:14:55.506
Jab. Cross.

00:14:55.506 --> 00:14:57.466
The other punches that
we're going to refer to,

00:14:57.466 --> 00:14:59.719
we'll keep it
really simple today,

00:14:59.719 --> 00:15:02.972
but it will be an upper cut,
you're just flicking up.

00:15:02.972 --> 00:15:04.181
And you're kinda picturing,

00:15:04.181 --> 00:15:08.394
like hitting someone really
in the chin, in their ribs.

00:15:08.394 --> 00:15:11.564
So you kind of,
really kind of from the hips.

00:15:16.152 --> 00:15:18.530
[Donna] Okay, we're in
nice and tight,

00:15:18.530 --> 00:15:20.824
and we bring that hook,

00:15:20.824 --> 00:15:26.412
and we sort of bring our
butt-cheek to the side.

00:15:26.412 --> 00:15:27.871
So, we kind of...

00:15:27.871 --> 00:15:28.913
[Donna VO] I just remember,

00:15:28.913 --> 00:15:31.249
like even, you know,
in my twenties,

00:15:31.249 --> 00:15:34.544
to feel was so scary for me.

00:15:35.253 --> 00:15:37.213
And it sounds funny saying it,

00:15:37.213 --> 00:15:39.674
and it sounds kinda
a little bit embarrassing

00:15:39.674 --> 00:15:42.010
and a little bit sad,

00:15:42.010 --> 00:15:45.639
because it's like, well we
all have a right to feel.

00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:48.476
But like, I was just
so dissociated

00:15:48.476 --> 00:15:50.352
and so disconnected
from myself,

00:15:50.352 --> 00:15:54.273
like to even feel something,
it was like I was going to die.

00:15:54.273 --> 00:15:56.817
And I buried that
for a long time,

00:15:56.817 --> 00:16:00.613
because I didn't have the coping
mechanisms to handle that.

00:16:01.446 --> 00:16:03.364
[Donna] 20 seconds to go!

00:16:05.700 --> 00:16:07.785
10 squats!

00:16:16.669 --> 00:16:18.545
Okay, great.
Just take a deep breath.

00:16:18.545 --> 00:16:20.505
Get some water if you need to.

00:16:20.630 --> 00:16:22.883
We've got a three minute round.

00:16:24.968 --> 00:16:28.722
[Donna] Every workshop
I want to allow for some time

00:16:28.722 --> 00:16:31.767
where you can just have some
freestyle on the bag, okay?

00:16:31.767 --> 00:16:34.145
It's an opportunity
to just get a bit messy.

00:16:34.145 --> 00:16:37.190
It's, you know, obviously it's
great if you can come back

00:16:37.190 --> 00:16:41.069
to the principles of being
grounded with your stance

00:16:41.069 --> 00:16:44.114
and really thinking about
hand back to cheek, etcetera.

00:16:44.114 --> 00:16:45.698
At the same time too,

00:16:45.698 --> 00:16:48.910
this is your opportunity just
to really get it out, yeah?

00:16:48.910 --> 00:16:51.121
Just go a bit fucking
hell for leather,

00:16:51.121 --> 00:16:53.624
get a bit ugly,
get a bit messy.

00:16:53.624 --> 00:16:54.833
If you want to shout.

00:16:54.833 --> 00:16:57.169
If you want to do anything,
you're more than welcome.

00:16:57.169 --> 00:16:59.713
I encourage you,
you can do whatever you want.

00:16:59.713 --> 00:17:04.635
Make friends with the bag
for two minutes solid. Go!

00:17:05.594 --> 00:17:09.432
[punching and grunting]

00:17:18.397 --> 00:17:20.941
[heavy breathing]

00:17:20.941 --> 00:17:22.483
[Donna] Hit the bag.

00:17:26.697 --> 00:17:29.909
[multiple grunting]

00:17:41.795 --> 00:17:46.967
Get angry with the bag,
the bag can handle it.

00:17:49.553 --> 00:17:52.348
You have a right to be angry.

00:18:05.318 --> 00:18:07.403
[Donna] Okay, that's excellent.

00:18:09.531 --> 00:18:13.660
[scattered laughter
and heavy breathing]

00:18:15.620 --> 00:18:17.496
[Donna] Okay, short session.

00:18:18.457 --> 00:18:21.126
Let's come back down, over here.

00:18:21.961 --> 00:18:25.423
And we just do a bit of
stretching. Bit of checking in.

00:18:27.049 --> 00:18:31.345
[women chattering]

00:18:34.097 --> 00:18:37.225
Well done. It's alright.

00:18:39.227 --> 00:18:42.022
It's okay. You're safe.

00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:45.567
It's good, it's good.

00:18:46.026 --> 00:18:48.195
Well done.

00:18:48.195 --> 00:18:49.321
[Donna] Okay,
just when you're ready,

00:18:49.321 --> 00:18:51.782
we're going to come down and
do a little bit of stretching,

00:18:51.782 --> 00:18:53.616
and a little bit of checking in.

00:18:56.995 --> 00:18:58.829
[Nikki] I hadn't
necessarily before

00:18:58.829 --> 00:19:00.747
actively wanted to
meet other people

00:19:00.747 --> 00:19:03.458
who'd been in
a similar situation.

00:19:04.042 --> 00:19:05.751
In my mind I felt like,

00:19:05.751 --> 00:19:09.004
it's like I kinda like
carried this burden

00:19:09.004 --> 00:19:12.382
on my own, on behalf
of all of these people.

00:19:12.382 --> 00:19:15.051
I think it was tied back into
this really childhood belief

00:19:15.051 --> 00:19:19.014
of not wanting to
break the secret

00:19:19.014 --> 00:19:21.934
that I'd been so conditioned
not to talk about it.

00:19:23.143 --> 00:19:27.605
Your body just appreciates
having a little bit of movement.

00:19:27.605 --> 00:19:31.318
Yeah. Yeah. As simple
as it needs to be.

00:19:32.818 --> 00:19:34.987
[Donna] Like, this is
not really like a kinda like,

00:19:34.987 --> 00:19:37.115
you're going to necessarily
walk away feeling great.

00:19:37.115 --> 00:19:38.616
Yeah?
[laughing]

00:19:38.616 --> 00:19:40.869
Like the idea is probably
going to bring up stuff,

00:19:40.869 --> 00:19:42.286
you're probably not
going to feel great.

00:19:42.286 --> 00:19:45.623
But I guess it's just coming
back to the principles

00:19:45.623 --> 00:19:47.040
of what we talked about today,

00:19:47.040 --> 00:19:49.501
which is a really
important one with boxing.

00:19:49.501 --> 00:19:51.837
Which is about being grounded.

00:19:51.837 --> 00:19:56.091
So it's about learning
to hold your space.

00:20:00.888 --> 00:20:03.474
[insects chirping]

00:20:04.308 --> 00:20:09.188
Thought I'd describe, what I
feel like in my body right now.

00:20:10.606 --> 00:20:15.778
Just that memory
that's trapped there.

00:20:18.530 --> 00:20:21.116
Yeah, maybe to give
some insight to people

00:20:21.116 --> 00:20:23.327
who don't know what
this feels like.

00:20:28.790 --> 00:20:30.666
So it kind of feels shaky.

00:20:30.666 --> 00:20:32.794
It's difficult to breathe.

00:20:39.258 --> 00:20:41.802
It feels like there are
people behind me,

00:20:43.096 --> 00:20:45.307
even though I'm currently
sitting in a corner,

00:20:45.307 --> 00:20:47.392
so I know it's not possible.

00:20:47.392 --> 00:20:49.435
I'm sitting in the corner
of the couch.

00:20:53.190 --> 00:20:54.899
I think what this...

00:20:59.655 --> 00:21:02.617
It feels as though someone's
hands are on my throat,

00:21:02.617 --> 00:21:05.954
and around my heart and
they're just squeezing.

00:21:08.247 --> 00:21:10.875
I keep losing my
train of thought.

00:21:12.793 --> 00:21:17.505
It all keeps coming back
to these memories.

00:21:25.263 --> 00:21:27.974
These really fucking
horrible memories.

00:21:30.226 --> 00:21:32.812
And I'm going to go and eat
a whole block of chocolate,

00:21:32.812 --> 00:21:37.358
and lie in foetal position and
wait for me to stop shaking.

00:21:37.984 --> 00:21:40.487
Because I'm scared.

00:21:44.073 --> 00:21:46.451
[crying]

00:21:50.329 --> 00:21:53.166
[ship horn blaring]

00:22:08.055 --> 00:22:10.724
[Nikki] It's been a difficult
and a stressful week,

00:22:10.724 --> 00:22:13.143
so I'm feeling kind
of relief it's over.

00:22:13.143 --> 00:22:15.980
But I've also been looking
forward to coming back all week,

00:22:15.980 --> 00:22:17.898
seeing you all again.

00:22:17.898 --> 00:22:21.569
So I'm feeling quite, yeah,
happy and content to be here.

00:22:22.027 --> 00:22:23.153
A little bit scared,

00:22:23.153 --> 00:22:25.990
because I know there are
emotions coming, and yeah...

00:22:25.990 --> 00:22:27.992
But otherwise, yeah, good.

00:22:27.992 --> 00:22:30.620
Being here makes me feel happy,

00:22:30.620 --> 00:22:33.832
but the last two days
were difficult.

00:22:33.832 --> 00:22:37.461
I was trying to get legal advice
about something,

00:22:37.461 --> 00:22:40.339
I dunno if I should be
saying this, but,

00:22:40.339 --> 00:22:43.801
and I found the legal system
quite oppressive

00:22:43.801 --> 00:22:48.848
and it really saddened me and
made me feel angry and ashamed.

00:22:48.848 --> 00:22:51.517
[Pixie] This is my
first one this week, um,

00:22:51.517 --> 00:22:54.604
so not sure sort of how much
is going to come out and what,

00:22:54.604 --> 00:22:57.232
how emotional the
space is going to be,

00:22:57.232 --> 00:22:59.984
but also I feel quite excited
about that because I think it

00:22:59.984 --> 00:23:03.822
could be a really good emotional
release and a really good way

00:23:03.822 --> 00:23:04.864
to get in touch with some stuff

00:23:04.864 --> 00:23:06.073
that I've been trying
to work through

00:23:06.073 --> 00:23:07.907
in my personal life as well.

00:23:52.910 --> 00:23:55.872
[Claire] I connected
and I started sweating,

00:23:55.872 --> 00:23:58.624
wiped my forehead on my sleeve.

00:23:58.624 --> 00:24:02.462
I connected and I can feel
the mat under my backside,

00:24:02.462 --> 00:24:04.088
my glasses fogging.

00:24:04.088 --> 00:24:06.382
I was a child who didn't
like to be touched.

00:24:06.382 --> 00:24:08.091
My mum would joke
that hugging me

00:24:08.091 --> 00:24:09.842
was like hugging a brick wall.

00:24:09.842 --> 00:24:11.802
She said the same
thing about my cousin.

00:24:11.802 --> 00:24:14.221
It made me wonder what
else we had in common.

00:24:14.221 --> 00:24:16.013
By the time I was a teenager

00:24:16.013 --> 00:24:17.680
and started to
socialise at church,

00:24:17.680 --> 00:24:20.933
people noticed, "She doesn't
hug anyone for some reason."

00:24:20.933 --> 00:24:22.684
I just didn't like
the way it felt,

00:24:22.684 --> 00:24:25.353
like being trapped,
having no control.

00:24:25.353 --> 00:24:28.941
I always needed to be able to
get away. I hated being held.

00:24:28.941 --> 00:24:31.277
People say that hugs
make them feel safe,

00:24:31.277 --> 00:24:32.944
but they feel like
a prison to me.

00:24:33.946 --> 00:24:35.405
Can I touch you? Yep.

00:24:35.405 --> 00:24:39.159
Okay. So I'm going to,
to push you to see whether...

00:24:40.452 --> 00:24:41.578
Yeah. Okay.

00:24:41.578 --> 00:24:44.164
So I want, and you're going to
adjust your body

00:24:44.164 --> 00:24:46.207
because when I
first pushed you,

00:24:46.207 --> 00:24:49.002
you could see that you didn't
have the right amount of...

00:24:49.002 --> 00:24:50.920
You weren't grounded enough.
Yeah?

00:24:52.005 --> 00:24:53.506
So this is the purpose of it,

00:24:53.506 --> 00:24:55.382
is that basically
it's kind of like we're,

00:24:55.382 --> 00:24:56.966
we're sort of
wrestling a bit.

00:24:56.966 --> 00:24:59.844
Yeah. So, so just do
that with your partner.

00:25:00.929 --> 00:25:02.471
Yeah, I'm feeling
pretty unsteady,

00:25:02.471 --> 00:25:03.763
I don't have
very good balance.

00:25:03.763 --> 00:25:06.558
Okay. So what do you
need to get steady?

00:25:06.558 --> 00:25:08.852
-I don't know. Maybe...
-Yeah, that.

00:25:10.020 --> 00:25:13.398
Put more weight,
with your body. Push harder.

00:25:13.398 --> 00:25:15.358
-Okay.
-How does that feel?

00:25:15.358 --> 00:25:16.609
-Yeah!
-Yeah?

00:25:16.942 --> 00:25:20.320
[women chattering]

00:25:21.321 --> 00:25:23.699
[Pixie] I'd known my whole life
that men were dangerous

00:25:23.699 --> 00:25:26.077
and I didn't know
how I knew that.

00:25:26.077 --> 00:25:29.539
I knew before I started
remembering my childhood abuse.

00:25:29.539 --> 00:25:32.542
I still knew men were dangerous,
don't go anywhere near men.

00:25:32.542 --> 00:25:34.502
I knew that I hated men
and like my,

00:25:34.502 --> 00:25:36.587
everyone in my family
is like, it's so weird,

00:25:36.587 --> 00:25:38.338
there's that kid that like,
hates men,

00:25:38.338 --> 00:25:39.589
even though she's only five.

00:25:39.589 --> 00:25:40.756
And like no one thought

00:25:40.756 --> 00:25:42.007
that there was something
weird about that.

00:25:42.007 --> 00:25:43.383
But like everyone knew.

00:25:43.383 --> 00:25:44.425
My whole life,

00:25:44.425 --> 00:25:47.553
the one truth that everyone has
always known about Pixie,

00:25:47.553 --> 00:25:49.137
is like, hmm, Pixie hates men.

00:25:49.137 --> 00:25:52.015
[punching and grunting]

00:25:53.266 --> 00:25:56.144
Great, great strength
coming through.

00:25:56.144 --> 00:25:58.146
[Pixie] When I remember
my earliest abuse,

00:25:58.146 --> 00:26:02.234
like it came to me in small
pieces over many years.

00:26:02.234 --> 00:26:06.988
From a small child,
I knew that I couldn't stand

00:26:06.988 --> 00:26:09.657
the feeling of flannelette
sheets. Hated them!

00:26:09.657 --> 00:26:12.619
Could not stand them because
touching flannelette sheets

00:26:12.619 --> 00:26:15.288
made me feel like they were
stuffed in my mouth,

00:26:15.288 --> 00:26:17.248
for some reason,
and I didn't know why.

00:26:17.248 --> 00:26:19.124
But I always knew that,
everyone knew that,

00:26:19.124 --> 00:26:21.042
Pixie can't touch
flannelette sheets.

00:26:21.042 --> 00:26:27.632
And then I was at a
relative's house,

00:26:27.632 --> 00:26:30.719
and I saw in the cupboard

00:26:30.719 --> 00:26:32.930
this particular set of
flannelette sheets,

00:26:32.930 --> 00:26:34.514
and it were these
flannelette sheets

00:26:34.514 --> 00:26:36.223
with pink and green
and blue stripes.

00:26:36.223 --> 00:26:38.476
And I had this horrible
flashback and I was like,

00:26:38.476 --> 00:26:39.893
oh my gosh!

00:26:39.893 --> 00:26:41.435
That's why I hate
flannelette sheets.

00:26:41.435 --> 00:26:44.021
It's these sheets.
It's these specific sheets.

00:26:44.021 --> 00:26:46.315
I was on these sheets
and they were in my mouth.

00:26:46.315 --> 00:26:49.527
Every year, my extended family,

00:26:49.527 --> 00:26:51.946
all my aunts and uncles
and my cousins,

00:26:51.946 --> 00:26:55.617
we'd book out this set of cabins
that were on the beach

00:26:55.617 --> 00:26:58.662
and we would all,
it was just a utopia for us.

00:26:58.662 --> 00:27:00.288
It's just all family.

00:27:00.288 --> 00:27:02.331
All the young cousins
playing together.

00:27:02.331 --> 00:27:05.543
We'd be on the beach every
day and then every night

00:27:05.543 --> 00:27:08.338
the adults would put all the
kids to sleep in their cabins

00:27:08.338 --> 00:27:10.757
and they'd all go to
one cabin to play cards.

00:27:10.757 --> 00:27:13.426
And then, you know,
every hour or so,

00:27:13.426 --> 00:27:14.510
one of the adults
would just go out

00:27:14.510 --> 00:27:15.761
and check on the
kids in the cabins

00:27:15.761 --> 00:27:18.723
and make sure they're all
still sleeping soundly, fine.

00:27:19.056 --> 00:27:21.767
My abuse happened in
one of those cabins

00:27:21.767 --> 00:27:24.061
when all the adults were
somewhere playing cards.

00:27:25.020 --> 00:27:30.192
[Donna] And just move those
arms around your shoulders.

00:27:34.113 --> 00:27:35.364
[Pixie] And then over time

00:27:35.364 --> 00:27:38.326
I remembered like,
what the wall looked like

00:27:38.326 --> 00:27:40.537
and what the,
the sound the bed made

00:27:40.537 --> 00:27:42.580
and the feeling of
pressure on my body.

00:27:42.580 --> 00:27:47.001
But like, all of these feelings
are like, in my body feelings.

00:27:47.001 --> 00:27:48.293
They're just memories,

00:27:48.293 --> 00:27:51.255
and like no one saw them,
no one took any photos,

00:27:51.255 --> 00:27:54.258
there were no witnesses,
and I was, you know,

00:27:54.258 --> 00:27:56.802
a three or four year old child.

00:27:56.802 --> 00:28:00.222
And so the number of times
I've had to question myself,

00:28:00.222 --> 00:28:03.726
I'm like,
what if these flashbacks

00:28:03.726 --> 00:28:07.188
that I'm having of this
traumatic event that happened,

00:28:07.188 --> 00:28:08.855
or apparently when
I was three or four,

00:28:08.855 --> 00:28:11.942
what if this is just my brain
playing some weird trick on me,

00:28:11.942 --> 00:28:13.734
and none of it happened?
How would we know?

00:28:14.278 --> 00:28:17.406
-Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.
-Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.

00:28:17.406 --> 00:28:18.532
Harder!

00:28:18.532 --> 00:28:20.868
Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.

00:28:20.868 --> 00:28:21.869
Harder!

00:28:21.869 --> 00:28:24.789
Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.

00:28:25.415 --> 00:28:28.001
Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.

00:28:28.001 --> 00:28:29.835
It's okay to fight back.

00:28:29.835 --> 00:28:31.377
Do it!

00:28:31.377 --> 00:28:33.086
You can go harder than that.

00:28:33.505 --> 00:28:37.343
Alright. Your 30 seconds is up.
Nice job.

00:28:37.343 --> 00:28:41.264
This time you're going to go
really hard for a minute, yeah?

00:28:41.264 --> 00:28:44.601
And you're going to hold
that bag for your partner,

00:28:44.601 --> 00:28:46.812
and you're going to
support them through that.

00:28:46.812 --> 00:28:50.107
To go as hard as they
can for one minute.

00:28:50.107 --> 00:28:52.067
[Donna] Good. Keep going.

00:28:52.067 --> 00:28:55.445
Push through the burn.
Push through the burn.

00:28:55.445 --> 00:28:58.282
[Claire] That's great.
Really straight.

00:28:58.282 --> 00:29:02.161
[Donna] This is about saying,
"Get away from me."

00:29:02.161 --> 00:29:03.662
"Get away from me!"

00:29:03.662 --> 00:29:05.413
-Fuck off!
-Yay!

00:29:05.413 --> 00:29:07.373
-Yes, that's nice.
-Fuck off!

00:29:07.373 --> 00:29:09.917
[Claire] Say it again. Go on.

00:29:09.917 --> 00:29:11.835
[Donna] Flick that jab out.

00:29:11.835 --> 00:29:15.631
Flick that jab out.
Flick it out.

00:29:16.214 --> 00:29:19.885
[Donna] Come on, breathe
through it, it's beautiful.

00:29:19.885 --> 00:29:22.972
[Claire] Go on say it.
Say it Pixie! Say it!

00:29:22.972 --> 00:29:24.848
-Fuck off!
-Yay!

00:29:25.683 --> 00:29:26.850
[Donna] That's good.

00:29:26.850 --> 00:29:29.561
Just breathe through that,
keep going.

00:29:29.561 --> 00:29:32.481
[Donna] I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.

00:29:32.481 --> 00:29:34.483
You can totally do this.

00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:38.446
[gentle music]

00:29:44.660 --> 00:29:46.703
Fucking get off me!

00:29:47.329 --> 00:29:49.372
Fuck off! Fuck off!

00:29:50.541 --> 00:29:52.375
[Nikki] What I really
want to say is

00:29:52.375 --> 00:29:55.044
I want to fall asleep
without being afraid.

00:29:55.044 --> 00:29:58.047
And I want to wake up without
being scared of a new day.

00:30:00.299 --> 00:30:02.259
For me, the greater fear is

00:30:02.259 --> 00:30:04.762
being forced to go somewhere
where I'll be trapped.

00:30:07.472 --> 00:30:10.517
My ability to lock out
the danger brings safety.

00:30:10.517 --> 00:30:13.895
A door that's
shut by me, is power.

00:30:15.730 --> 00:30:18.191
What I fear is being
forced to go back

00:30:18.191 --> 00:30:20.444
and be locked in a
house by someone else.

00:30:20.485 --> 00:30:22.152
By him!

00:30:22.152 --> 00:30:25.072
To see my parents' car
retreating down the dirt track

00:30:25.072 --> 00:30:27.283
and feeling his hand
on my shoulder

00:30:27.283 --> 00:30:30.035
and knowing there's
no one to protect me.

00:30:32.913 --> 00:30:37.292
Even if I run there's no way and
nowhere that will be safe.

00:30:41.380 --> 00:30:42.922
What I really want to say is

00:30:42.922 --> 00:30:45.383
I don't want to
keep reliving this.

00:30:46.175 --> 00:30:49.804
[gentle guitar playing]

00:30:57.811 --> 00:31:01.565
[people chattering]

00:31:04.443 --> 00:31:06.654
-[man] Rolling
-[woman] Action!

00:31:06.654 --> 00:31:07.530
[woman] Call it!

00:31:07.530 --> 00:31:10.241
Nikki at the farm.
22 alpha marker.

00:31:10.241 --> 00:31:11.450
[man] Mark.

00:31:11.533 --> 00:31:13.702
[woman] You okay?

00:31:13.702 --> 00:31:15.996
[Nikki] Yep, all good.
All done with this shot?

00:31:15.996 --> 00:31:18.457
[woman] All done with this shot.
Let's get you out of here.

00:31:18.457 --> 00:31:19.499
[Nikki] Yep.

00:31:19.499 --> 00:31:21.584
[Nikki] I don't know
who's jumper that is.

00:31:23.253 --> 00:31:25.672
-Hey, baby girl.
-Hey. Hey.

00:31:27.674 --> 00:31:30.426
[sighing and laughing]

00:31:32.178 --> 00:31:34.472
-[man] Everything okay?
-[Nikki] Hm-mm.

00:31:35.598 --> 00:31:36.890
[woman] This is Nikki.

00:31:36.890 --> 00:31:39.559
Hello, I'm Nikki.
You're Billie, right?

00:31:39.810 --> 00:31:41.853
It's lovely to meet you.

00:31:41.853 --> 00:31:43.981
I also wanted to introduce
you to my bear.

00:31:43.981 --> 00:31:46.442
-This is Bupa.
-Oh, how cute.

00:31:46.442 --> 00:31:48.151
Would you like
to give him a hug?

00:31:50.738 --> 00:31:53.658
Now would you mind hanging
onto him for me today?

00:31:53.658 --> 00:31:55.159
Because I've been
doing a lot of stuff,

00:31:55.159 --> 00:31:57.537
but I would love for someone
to be giving him cuddles.

00:31:57.537 --> 00:32:00.665
[Nikki VO] When in the,
in the flashback,

00:32:00.665 --> 00:32:04.628
it's like experiencing it
for the first time.

00:32:04.628 --> 00:32:06.045
Like it's seeing the
same things.

00:32:06.045 --> 00:32:10.216
It's feeling the sensations
on your skin and your body

00:32:10.216 --> 00:32:12.050
of what was happening
in that moment.

00:32:12.344 --> 00:32:14.555
It's hearing the voices, it's,

00:32:14.555 --> 00:32:16.347
it's the sort of thing where
you very much like

00:32:16.347 --> 00:32:18.891
you carry your demons and
your ghosts with you.

00:32:19.809 --> 00:32:22.103
They're very much like
buried in the flesh.

00:32:22.103 --> 00:32:23.770
Like they're still there.

00:32:24.855 --> 00:32:27.817
[footsteps]

00:32:45.333 --> 00:32:48.044
[jumping]

00:32:49.129 --> 00:32:51.465
[Donna VO] To connect
is to get hurt.

00:32:51.465 --> 00:32:55.136
A paradox because to
connect is what I desire,

00:32:55.136 --> 00:32:58.724
is what I need to feel
and move on.

00:32:58.724 --> 00:33:01.727
Yet I sit scared in the corner,

00:33:01.727 --> 00:33:05.147
looking out through
a long lens telescope,

00:33:05.147 --> 00:33:07.232
eyeing the situation,

00:33:08.109 --> 00:33:11.279
buried, amnesiac,

00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:13.615
shaped to the bitter end.

00:33:13.615 --> 00:33:17.578
[woman] Six, seven, eight...

00:33:18.036 --> 00:33:20.664
[boxing thuds]

00:33:24.125 --> 00:33:25.667
[woman] Three more.

00:33:26.253 --> 00:33:27.837
[thudding]

00:33:28.672 --> 00:33:31.675
[Donna VO] I connected and I
thought I was going to die.

00:33:33.218 --> 00:33:35.178
[woman] Jab, cross, upper cross.

00:33:35.804 --> 00:33:36.680
Good, and again.

00:33:36.680 --> 00:33:39.016
[Donna VO] I dreamt about it
for so long.

00:33:39.016 --> 00:33:41.560
Wished it,
craved the release.

00:33:41.560 --> 00:33:43.729
[woman] Two more.

00:33:43.729 --> 00:33:45.480
[Donna VO] Yet, to feel it.

00:33:45.480 --> 00:33:48.817
To feel the feelings seep
through my body

00:33:48.817 --> 00:33:51.904
meant a nervous system
exploding.

00:33:57.700 --> 00:34:02.412
A wailing.
A deep cry from the Arctic.

00:34:02.412 --> 00:34:04.121
[woman] Double jab.

00:34:05.249 --> 00:34:06.416
Cross, hook, cross.

00:34:06.416 --> 00:34:10.462
[Donna VO] A sound so painful
that writing it on paper hurts.

00:34:11.045 --> 00:34:14.132
[breathing heavily]

00:34:15.591 --> 00:34:17.133
[woman] Nice.

00:34:20.262 --> 00:34:22.848
[thudding]

00:34:24.558 --> 00:34:25.725
[Donna] Does that feel okay?

00:34:25.725 --> 00:34:28.394
Okay. Swap it over.
This time long.

00:34:28.394 --> 00:34:30.605
Straight into it.
Straight into it.

00:34:31.898 --> 00:34:33.983
Support your partner.

00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:38.238
Tell them that you
believe in them.

00:34:38.948 --> 00:34:42.285
Cross, jab, jab, cross.
Nice.

00:34:42.285 --> 00:34:43.536
-Oh thanks
-Come, come!

00:34:44.538 --> 00:34:46.164
Jab, cross...

00:34:46.164 --> 00:34:47.540
-Oh shit, sorry.
-That's okay.

00:34:47.540 --> 00:34:49.959
Jab, cross, jab, jab...

00:34:49.959 --> 00:34:52.002
-Oh shoot.
-That's okay, start again.

00:34:52.002 --> 00:34:55.214
Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.

00:34:55.214 --> 00:34:57.550
Come into me.
Come into me.

00:34:57.550 --> 00:34:59.719
-You are in control.
-Okay.

00:34:59.719 --> 00:35:03.682
Jab, cross, jab, jab, cross.

00:35:04.140 --> 00:35:06.726
-Yeah.
-Come on. Move in.

00:35:07.435 --> 00:35:11.939
Good. Jab, cross,
jab, jab, cross.

00:35:11.939 --> 00:35:13.065
Come on.

00:35:13.065 --> 00:35:15.443
[Donna] Just because
the boxer's dominating,

00:35:15.443 --> 00:35:17.904
does that mean that you
are in a submissive state?

00:35:17.904 --> 00:35:19.530
-No.
-Why?

00:35:19.530 --> 00:35:22.325
[Nikki] Because you still need
me to hold this and react to it

00:35:22.325 --> 00:35:23.659
Because you, yeah that's right.

00:35:23.659 --> 00:35:25.326
But also too that,

00:35:25.326 --> 00:35:29.539
so you're there to support
your partner but you,

00:35:29.539 --> 00:35:33.252
you need to hold your space.
Just as important, yeah?

00:35:33.252 --> 00:35:37.465
So I'm going to... my modus
operandi is to dominate you.

00:35:37.465 --> 00:35:41.094
But that does not mean just
because you are on the defence,

00:35:41.094 --> 00:35:43.388
that you are any
less in control,

00:35:43.388 --> 00:35:45.641
because you might
be waiting to strike.

00:35:45.641 --> 00:35:47.643
You can come and
strike out, yeah?

00:35:47.643 --> 00:35:48.644
At any moment.

00:35:48.644 --> 00:35:52.607
So really hold your space
if you are the pad holder.

00:35:52.607 --> 00:35:54.567
Just as much as the boxer.

00:35:54.567 --> 00:35:57.404
This is your,
your turn to go in, yes?

00:35:57.404 --> 00:35:59.196
It's safe to fight back.

00:35:59.196 --> 00:36:04.118
So jab, cross, jab, jab, cross,
move in, yeah?

00:36:04.118 --> 00:36:06.329
And I want you
to really physicalise,

00:36:06.329 --> 00:36:09.917
what's it like to get in to,
to each other's space.

00:36:09.917 --> 00:36:11.919
Yeah. What does that feel like?

00:36:12.170 --> 00:36:13.587
Okay.

00:36:16.091 --> 00:36:17.842
[Claire] In my normal practice,

00:36:17.842 --> 00:36:21.888
I don't generally
write to prompts,

00:36:22.388 --> 00:36:26.101
but I really experienced
when I did right to prompts

00:36:26.101 --> 00:36:29.772
in Left Write Hook that it,

00:36:29.772 --> 00:36:33.568
it did work and
it did generate work

00:36:33.568 --> 00:36:37.239
and it gave the work
a lot of focus.

00:36:40.783 --> 00:36:44.579
[Claire] Often someone
who's traumatised

00:36:44.579 --> 00:36:47.165
will frustrate logical thinkers

00:36:47.165 --> 00:36:50.168
because they often
talk with intensity or

00:36:50.168 --> 00:36:55.005
in unfinished sentences
and topics,

00:36:55.005 --> 00:36:57.633
which because someone
who's traumatised

00:36:57.633 --> 00:37:03.138
is used to making sense through
association and alluding,

00:37:03.138 --> 00:37:04.430
because that's all they have.

00:37:04.430 --> 00:37:08.851
So, for me poetry's a way of
putting that together

00:37:08.851 --> 00:37:15.149
in a coherent structure called a
poem that tells its own story.

00:37:24.033 --> 00:37:26.577
"My sister likes it
when I get angry.

00:37:28.246 --> 00:37:31.208
"I can't, she said.

00:37:32.250 --> 00:37:35.587
"She has to stay stable,
she says

00:37:36.796 --> 00:37:40.008
"The medication is working,
she says.

00:37:40.008 --> 00:37:43.053
"Yes working, to keep
her head under water,

00:37:43.053 --> 00:37:46.682
"blowing bubbles of smoke
in the face of endless days

00:37:46.682 --> 00:37:49.769
"in front of the table
she used to dance on,

00:37:49.769 --> 00:37:51.771
"paint pictures on.

00:37:52.230 --> 00:37:56.942
"All the colours,
the cloaks and colours.

00:37:57.943 --> 00:38:00.695
"She, stood at the door.

00:38:00.695 --> 00:38:04.616
"She read me all of
The Magic Faraway Tree.

00:38:05.867 --> 00:38:08.120
"Fuck recovery!

00:38:08.120 --> 00:38:10.248
"Recovery of what?

00:38:10.248 --> 00:38:11.874
"Recovery of memories.

00:38:11.874 --> 00:38:13.458
"Recovery of keys.

00:38:13.458 --> 00:38:15.376
"Recovery from the flu.

00:38:15.919 --> 00:38:21.675
"Recovery from being hungry
every day of my childhood.

00:38:21.675 --> 00:38:26.597
"Recovery of her sight,
recovery of motherhood.

00:38:27.305 --> 00:38:29.433
"What is recovery?"

00:38:34.395 --> 00:38:36.606
[Claire] We all need a story.

00:38:36.606 --> 00:38:40.110
Without a story or without a
story that makes sense to us,

00:38:40.110 --> 00:38:42.112
we really suffer.

00:38:45.282 --> 00:38:49.620
I am here because my mouth
is the only weapon I have left.

00:38:49.620 --> 00:38:51.580
They took everything
else from me,

00:38:51.580 --> 00:38:54.166
but never managed
to shut me up.

00:38:54.750 --> 00:38:57.753
I am here to empower myself
and beat the shame

00:38:57.753 --> 00:39:00.756
that has followed me
my entire life.

00:39:00.756 --> 00:39:04.176
To give a voice to myself
and others like me.

00:39:04.176 --> 00:39:06.345
Too bad if you don't
want to hear it.

00:39:06.345 --> 00:39:08.848
I lived it for 20 years.

00:39:09.557 --> 00:39:13.895
I am here because... I am here
to overcome my fear of cameras.

00:39:13.895 --> 00:39:16.481
Today is a big day for me.

00:39:16.481 --> 00:39:18.399
After years of child porn,

00:39:18.399 --> 00:39:22.737
I am facing a camera,
by choice, for the first time

00:39:22.737 --> 00:39:25.115
and so far holding it together.

00:39:25.574 --> 00:39:27.743
[thudding]

00:39:31.663 --> 00:39:35.251
[Dove] I'd never done
a group thing before.

00:39:35.251 --> 00:39:39.255
I'd sort of been told that
I wouldn't really fit into them

00:39:39.255 --> 00:39:42.175
because my story's a bit,
quite different.

00:39:42.467 --> 00:39:45.804
Satanic ritual abuse.
So, um...

00:39:46.638 --> 00:39:50.351
...by coven Satanists
and, um...

00:39:51.350 --> 00:39:54.228
...initially I was
used for training,

00:39:54.228 --> 00:39:56.230
because new recruits
are trained

00:39:56.230 --> 00:40:01.527
and then for rituals there's
a lot of programming

00:40:01.527 --> 00:40:06.156
and gang rape,
torture, prostituting,

00:40:06.156 --> 00:40:07.948
all that sort of stuff.

00:40:11.203 --> 00:40:13.998
[Dove] The disassociation
occurs in children.

00:40:13.998 --> 00:40:17.752
The brain almost kind of splits
so that half of it's present

00:40:17.752 --> 00:40:20.046
when the traumas are occurring.

00:40:20.046 --> 00:40:23.049
Then the other part takes
over for everyday life.

00:40:23.049 --> 00:40:26.136
As it continues,
sort of other parts,

00:40:26.136 --> 00:40:28.096
fracture off at different ages.

00:40:31.308 --> 00:40:35.895
When they're strong
they can sometimes take over.

00:40:36.521 --> 00:40:39.691
Like I can become a traumatised
seven year old again,

00:40:39.691 --> 00:40:41.651
or a ten year old.

00:40:41.860 --> 00:40:44.446
I go through patches where
I really struggle with rage.

00:40:44.446 --> 00:40:47.366
I actually have parts
that are all rage.

00:41:00.211 --> 00:41:01.795
Okay.

00:41:03.214 --> 00:41:07.135
I am doing a video diary.

00:41:07.926 --> 00:41:09.844
My first one ever,

00:41:10.470 --> 00:41:14.766
and I never thought I would
see the day that I do this.

00:41:14.766 --> 00:41:16.517
So I guess that's a good thing.

00:41:16.517 --> 00:41:19.604
It shows how far I've come.

00:41:20.021 --> 00:41:21.272
Um...

00:41:22.232 --> 00:41:27.069
Since Saturday I've been
disassociating a lot.

00:41:28.697 --> 00:41:33.368
My parts, particularly the
ones that were filmed

00:41:33.368 --> 00:41:35.996
have sort of been
flipping out quite a bit

00:41:35.996 --> 00:41:40.417
at the thought of going back
and doing it again.

00:41:43.628 --> 00:41:45.295
So I'm at the park.

00:41:45.295 --> 00:41:49.633
It's a gorgeous day and
I'm going to go for a run

00:41:49.633 --> 00:41:53.179
to try and sort of
ground myself.

00:41:55.138 --> 00:41:56.389
Come back down to earth,

00:41:56.389 --> 00:41:57.890
I'm a bit all over the place

00:41:57.890 --> 00:42:01.018
and hopefully
calm down a little bit.

00:42:01.018 --> 00:42:03.562
Bit of an adrenaline high...

00:42:13.613 --> 00:42:19.285
[Dove VO] My reality is
monsters, evil and darkness.

00:42:20.161 --> 00:42:22.622
I know monsters are real.

00:42:23.248 --> 00:42:25.626
They don't hide under the bed.

00:42:25.626 --> 00:42:27.460
They get in it.

00:42:27.460 --> 00:42:31.006
You see them, feel them,

00:42:31.006 --> 00:42:35.302
fear them and eventually
submit to them.

00:42:36.428 --> 00:42:40.724
They walk among others,
like regular people,

00:42:40.724 --> 00:42:43.519
hiding in plain sight.

00:42:43.519 --> 00:42:46.814
Two alternate
realities colliding,

00:42:46.814 --> 00:42:50.360
with regular people
none the wiser.

00:42:50.818 --> 00:42:53.946
My reality is best kept hidden.

00:42:53.946 --> 00:42:58.450
It has no place in the
reality of polite society.

00:43:07.626 --> 00:43:11.297
[water splashing]

00:43:12.964 --> 00:43:16.635
[children chattering]

00:43:18.677 --> 00:43:20.805
[sighing]

00:43:21.514 --> 00:43:26.060
I really, really, really find
these video diaries hard.

00:43:26.060 --> 00:43:29.898
I don't know what to say.

00:43:29.898 --> 00:43:30.982
Um...

00:43:30.982 --> 00:43:34.486
And I keep like kind of
imagining, I don't know,

00:43:34.486 --> 00:43:39.616
like how I'm going to come
across or I just go blank.

00:43:39.616 --> 00:43:43.454
That's what it is.
I go blank and um, yeah.

00:43:43.454 --> 00:43:44.996
And Claire just rang me

00:43:44.996 --> 00:43:47.791
because she just had a
really horrible experience

00:43:47.791 --> 00:43:49.960
at the beach,

00:43:49.960 --> 00:43:51.711
like after the workshop,

00:43:51.711 --> 00:43:54.673
and I just talked to her
on the phone

00:43:54.673 --> 00:43:56.465
and like helped her
through it.

00:43:56.465 --> 00:43:57.632
Which was really like,

00:43:57.632 --> 00:44:01.136
I felt really pleased with
myself that I could do that.

00:44:01.136 --> 00:44:04.348
But I'm just, I feel really sad.

00:44:04.348 --> 00:44:08.810
I feel really sad that, yeah,

00:44:08.810 --> 00:44:11.605
I think that people
can be really mean, um...

00:44:13.732 --> 00:44:15.692
...and that people hurt,

00:44:15.692 --> 00:44:19.946
do horrible things and that
just sounds really stupid...

00:44:22.740 --> 00:44:25.868
But I don't know why
people do horrible things.

00:44:30.914 --> 00:44:33.417
I think things got
cut off for me

00:44:33.417 --> 00:44:35.377
at a really, really young age.

00:44:37.630 --> 00:44:39.632
Like a sense of...

00:44:41.843 --> 00:44:44.554
I don't know,
what's the point, or...

00:44:48.766 --> 00:44:52.312
I don't know, I think I just,
I think I witnessed so,

00:44:52.895 --> 00:44:56.691
so much bad stuff
that I just kind of...

00:44:59.360 --> 00:45:04.197
I don't get it and I've gone,
I've dissociated right now.

00:45:04.197 --> 00:45:06.282
I feel really, really
disconnected.

00:45:06.282 --> 00:45:08.785
I feel really blank, um...

00:45:09.285 --> 00:45:12.914
And then I just get distracted
and I just want to go and work,

00:45:12.914 --> 00:45:17.127
or focus on other things
because I can't,

00:45:17.127 --> 00:45:20.631
like I can only sit
with like the pain,

00:45:20.631 --> 00:45:25.343
all that grief, like temporarily
and then I forget.

00:45:25.343 --> 00:45:26.802
I've forgotten that it's there.

00:45:29.639 --> 00:45:33.435
[woman] Um, I'm feeling very
nervous about being here today,

00:45:33.435 --> 00:45:37.523
but excited that I finally get
to meet everyone physically.

00:45:37.523 --> 00:45:40.318
I'm a little bit better,

00:45:40.318 --> 00:45:44.322
my mental health is not very
good at the moment though.

00:45:44.322 --> 00:45:48.660
But hopefully
this will help, yeah.

00:45:52.705 --> 00:45:56.000
[Julie VO] I think I wore a mask
for so many years.

00:45:56.668 --> 00:46:00.088
Not only have I had
all this trauma,

00:46:00.088 --> 00:46:02.090
I also have schizophrenia.

00:46:02.090 --> 00:46:04.801
So people see
different sides to me.

00:46:07.012 --> 00:46:08.930
When I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia,

00:46:08.930 --> 00:46:11.599
it was trauma induced psychosis.

00:46:11.599 --> 00:46:15.395
I'd never really told anyone
because I was so embarrassed.

00:46:15.395 --> 00:46:17.898
[Donna] Just jabbing
in and out...

00:46:17.898 --> 00:46:21.611
[Julie VO] I have five voices.
I have four male and one female.

00:46:21.611 --> 00:46:23.237
They're not nice.

00:46:23.237 --> 00:46:25.698
Sometimes they're
so overpowering.

00:46:25.698 --> 00:46:27.867
I have no control,
and they tell me...

00:46:27.867 --> 00:46:30.954
They're very demanding.
They tell me to do things.

00:46:31.913 --> 00:46:34.249
[thudding]

00:46:37.877 --> 00:46:39.128
[Donna] Come on!

00:46:39.795 --> 00:46:41.504
Come on, you can do it.

00:46:44.382 --> 00:46:46.342
[Julie VO] I've been on
medication for many years

00:46:46.342 --> 00:46:50.721
and it's only now in
the last six months

00:46:50.721 --> 00:46:52.932
I feel like they've got
my medication right.

00:46:52.932 --> 00:46:55.143
And it's like, oh thank God,

00:46:55.143 --> 00:46:58.355
I actually feel stable
for the first time in my life.

00:46:59.605 --> 00:47:01.272
I can't do this.

00:47:01.272 --> 00:47:04.192
[Donna] Yes you can,
you got 30 seconds.

00:47:04.818 --> 00:47:08.113
[thudding]

00:47:08.906 --> 00:47:13.327
[women chattering]

00:47:19.459 --> 00:47:22.837
-I've lost my thought.
-That's okay, one more.

00:47:22.837 --> 00:47:26.174
Jab, cross, slip.
One more, one more.

00:47:26.174 --> 00:47:29.344
Jab, cross, slip,
cross, jab, jab.

00:47:29.344 --> 00:47:30.845
Good. Okay.

00:47:30.845 --> 00:47:34.474
Alright, drop it.
Check in with your partner.

00:47:35.266 --> 00:47:37.226
What happened?

00:47:38.103 --> 00:47:39.979
-What was I like?
-That was worse.

00:47:39.979 --> 00:47:42.482
Worse, because I was
dominating you?

00:47:42.482 --> 00:47:43.649
I thought you were
coming for me, yeah.

00:47:43.649 --> 00:47:44.983
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

00:47:44.983 --> 00:47:46.192
But I knew you weren't.

00:47:46.192 --> 00:47:47.901
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

00:47:47.901 --> 00:47:51.447
I'm okay.
I think I'm okay.

00:47:51.447 --> 00:47:54.199
-Yeah, that's fine.
-It was very confronting.

00:47:54.199 --> 00:47:57.411
It was confronting, yeah.
But you did it, yeah.

00:47:57.411 --> 00:47:59.914
And it's just about,
just training your body,

00:47:59.914 --> 00:48:02.709
changing a little
bit of the way

00:48:02.709 --> 00:48:04.335
you regulate your
nervous system.

00:48:04.962 --> 00:48:09.133
-Okay, I felt equally sick.
-Equally sick?

00:48:09.133 --> 00:48:14.680
[Donna] When I started boxing,
like I felt safer being hit,

00:48:14.680 --> 00:48:18.851
and I felt safer, like being,
like I just froze.

00:48:18.851 --> 00:48:21.104
It's like I kind of deserved it,
you know?

00:48:21.104 --> 00:48:24.566
So I think it's just really
important to observe

00:48:24.566 --> 00:48:28.654
how you're feeling, to kind of
break that as a pattern.

00:48:28.654 --> 00:48:30.196
And not saying that that's

00:48:30.196 --> 00:48:32.532
going to go for you
anytime soon.

00:48:32.532 --> 00:48:33.783
I have no idea.

00:48:33.783 --> 00:48:35.117
But it's just a little bit about

00:48:35.117 --> 00:48:36.409
getting out of that
comfort zone

00:48:36.409 --> 00:48:39.579
and also knowing that it
is really hard to fight back.

00:48:39.579 --> 00:48:41.038
Yeah?

00:48:41.038 --> 00:48:43.541
And that for some people,
obviously it's instinctual,

00:48:43.541 --> 00:48:47.087
but actually it's, you know,
it's scary and that's okay.

00:48:49.422 --> 00:48:51.382
[Lauren] Each week I was
just kind of absorbed

00:48:51.382 --> 00:48:52.258
in what was happening

00:48:52.258 --> 00:48:55.720
and I would just kind of
write, you know, free writing.

00:48:55.720 --> 00:49:00.307
I really got into that
process and practice.

00:49:00.307 --> 00:49:04.686
But I think a lot of it for me

00:49:04.686 --> 00:49:10.484
was a process of looking back
on my life with a different lens

00:49:10.484 --> 00:49:13.446
and seeing a lot of the things

00:49:13.446 --> 00:49:15.824
that I had felt
had punctuated my life

00:49:15.824 --> 00:49:18.077
and were traumatic
events in themselves.

00:49:18.702 --> 00:49:20.286
But seeing them in a new light

00:49:20.286 --> 00:49:23.748
that was connected
to this initial trauma.

00:49:24.124 --> 00:49:26.835
But I find it very
complicated because,

00:49:29.254 --> 00:49:30.755
you know,

00:49:30.755 --> 00:49:37.137
my abuser was a kid and
may have been abused.

00:49:37.137 --> 00:49:39.889
I don't know, it's complicated.

00:49:43.226 --> 00:49:46.021
A useful thing
for me to learn

00:49:46.021 --> 00:49:48.773
was how I'm
impacted physically.

00:49:49.859 --> 00:49:53.237
A big defining point
of my adolescence

00:49:53.237 --> 00:49:55.239
was having an
eating disorder.

00:49:55.740 --> 00:49:57.909
When I started high school,

00:49:57.909 --> 00:50:01.413
I was never very good at sport
or I told myself that

00:50:01.413 --> 00:50:04.666
because I just felt like I
couldn't coordinate my body.

00:50:04.666 --> 00:50:07.085
And then my body
started to change.

00:50:08.254 --> 00:50:11.049
I developed this
intense hatred of it,

00:50:11.049 --> 00:50:15.220
and felt disgusting
and wrong

00:50:15.220 --> 00:50:18.891
and like I had
no control over my body.

00:50:18.891 --> 00:50:21.352
Like I was just completely
disconnected from it.

00:50:21.352 --> 00:50:26.189
And so I found so much peace
in my eating disorder.

00:50:26.189 --> 00:50:30.443
Like I, it gave me a sense
of control over my body

00:50:30.443 --> 00:50:32.319
that I don't think
I'd ever had.

00:50:32.319 --> 00:50:34.905
"I connected and then collapsed.

00:50:34.905 --> 00:50:37.158
"It's strange moving
through your own life

00:50:37.158 --> 00:50:39.869
"and enduring the ricocheting
effects of things

00:50:39.869 --> 00:50:42.831
"from your own past
without even knowing.

00:50:42.831 --> 00:50:46.001
"The connection is a
revelation and a disaster.

00:50:46.001 --> 00:50:47.710
"The world looks different now.

00:50:47.710 --> 00:50:49.628
"I'm present, I'm here, I'm me.

00:50:49.628 --> 00:50:54.215
"It all makes more sense, but
it also all makes less sense.

00:50:54.215 --> 00:50:57.010
"What I'm really trying to
say is I can't unsee it now.

00:50:57.010 --> 00:50:59.388
"I can't unsee the
giant web of trauma

00:50:59.388 --> 00:51:02.183
"that grows and shifts
and hides beneath the surface.

00:51:02.183 --> 00:51:04.644
"What I'm really trying to say
is I'm fucking angry."

00:51:06.854 --> 00:51:12.026
[tense music]

00:51:19.741 --> 00:51:22.869
[Lauren VO] I remember how
viscerally I disgusted myself

00:51:22.869 --> 00:51:24.536
as a young teenager.

00:51:25.247 --> 00:51:29.543
I remember a chaotic night
aged 13 or 14

00:51:30.127 --> 00:51:32.879
when I turned up at
my mother's bedside,

00:51:32.879 --> 00:51:38.467
wailing, inconsolable, pleading
for an escape or an answer.

00:51:39.344 --> 00:51:41.597
"I hate myself Mum.

00:51:41.597 --> 00:51:45.393
"All I know is I hate myself
and I don't know what to do."

00:51:46.685 --> 00:51:49.688
I guess it made sense
to my teenage brain

00:51:49.688 --> 00:51:53.359
that changing and controlling
my body can set me free.

00:51:53.359 --> 00:51:55.862
Would let me see
my true potential

00:51:55.862 --> 00:52:00.158
and discover a version of myself
that I didn't find repulsive.

00:52:00.867 --> 00:52:03.036
I know how that
turned out though.

00:52:03.787 --> 00:52:07.875
What I'm really trying to say
is I wasn't really there.

00:52:07.875 --> 00:52:12.088
My body was not mine
and it became less mine.

00:52:13.213 --> 00:52:15.716
I'd learned to only
value it as a means

00:52:15.716 --> 00:52:19.178
for other people's pleasure
and approval and validation.

00:52:20.470 --> 00:52:23.056
At the end of the day,
I still hated it.

00:52:26.226 --> 00:52:27.852
[Donna] I think
there's a narrative

00:52:27.852 --> 00:52:30.604
that the survivor,
you know,

00:52:30.604 --> 00:52:35.942
has to be like the victim,
you know, the drug addict,

00:52:35.942 --> 00:52:40.155
the prostitute, the alcoholic.

00:52:41.489 --> 00:52:44.284
Partly played out some
of these things in my life.

00:52:44.284 --> 00:52:49.581
But also I think, you know,

00:52:49.581 --> 00:52:52.834
I've also studied and
I've been, you know,

00:52:52.834 --> 00:52:56.212
lucky enough and privileged
enough to have an education

00:52:56.212 --> 00:52:59.299
and also to be drawn
to the creative arts.

00:52:59.299 --> 00:53:03.345
And that's allowed me a
sense of confidence and, um,

00:53:03.345 --> 00:53:06.807
which is in me,
like that's in me.

00:53:06.807 --> 00:53:08.641
That's not a mask.

00:53:08.976 --> 00:53:10.894
That's there!

00:53:10.894 --> 00:53:17.526
But I think it's hard
to also reconcile

00:53:17.526 --> 00:53:21.905
that also down there
is all these other feelings

00:53:21.905 --> 00:53:24.992
of shame and confusion.

00:53:25.409 --> 00:53:27.578
That's the contradiction.

00:53:27.578 --> 00:53:34.460
It's kind of like a sleeping
self, that's kind of there,

00:53:34.460 --> 00:53:36.838
moving, tossing in its sleep,

00:53:36.838 --> 00:53:40.258
that I'm walking around with,
every day.

00:53:40.258 --> 00:53:42.386
And I'm going,
well, hang on, like,

00:53:42.386 --> 00:53:46.474
that no one would know
this, and they wouldn't.

00:53:47.516 --> 00:53:52.771
[gentle music]

00:55:09.888 --> 00:55:12.182
[insects chirping]

00:55:12.182 --> 00:55:14.142
[Lauren VO] If it hadn't
happened,

00:55:14.142 --> 00:55:16.686
maybe I would've
liked myself more,

00:55:16.686 --> 00:55:20.106
spoken up more, felt more.

00:55:21.315 --> 00:55:23.443
If it hadn't happened,

00:55:23.443 --> 00:55:26.655
maybe I would've lived
a totally different life.

00:55:27.156 --> 00:55:29.492
What I'm really trying to say

00:55:29.492 --> 00:55:31.786
is it terrifies me
to think about

00:55:31.786 --> 00:55:34.998
what my life might have
been if it hadn't happened.

00:55:40.336 --> 00:55:42.922
[deep sigh]

00:55:42.922 --> 00:55:49.554
I thought that, through telling
my story in Left Write Hook

00:55:49.554 --> 00:55:56.394
and through therapy and
through just like, you know,

00:55:56.394 --> 00:55:58.772
talking to friends
late at night,

00:55:59.940 --> 00:56:03.027
that I had told this story
often enough

00:56:03.027 --> 00:56:06.114
that it didn't have
power anymore.

00:56:09.450 --> 00:56:11.117
But...

00:56:17.166 --> 00:56:20.211
...that man is on the
other side of the world,

00:56:21.004 --> 00:56:23.089
as are his friends.

00:56:24.341 --> 00:56:30.013
But I am still completely
terrified of them

00:56:30.013 --> 00:56:36.353
and their threat of raping
me until I'm straight.

00:56:36.353 --> 00:56:40.232
And the fact that he was able
to hold that over me

00:56:40.232 --> 00:56:42.275
to do whatever he wanted to me

00:56:42.275 --> 00:56:48.281
because letting him
have his way with my body

00:56:48.281 --> 00:56:53.453
was somehow better than him and
the other two guys ganging up

00:56:53.453 --> 00:56:55.455
and doing it all together.

00:56:57.041 --> 00:57:02.379
I just really thought I was
further along than this.

00:57:02.379 --> 00:57:09.844
But it is just,
it's so deep in me,

00:57:09.844 --> 00:57:12.764
you know, it's in my DNA.

00:57:12.764 --> 00:57:14.640
I've got this...

00:57:16.393 --> 00:57:24.484
...this trauma just like
knitted into my bones.

00:57:26.904 --> 00:57:29.157
[sighing]

00:57:32.326 --> 00:57:34.870
Sometimes healing
is an unpleasant truth.

00:57:34.870 --> 00:57:38.290
It's knowing that the road
ahead is difficult and long.

00:57:38.290 --> 00:57:41.335
Sometimes healing
feels a lot like failure

00:57:41.335 --> 00:57:42.794
because as I've beat one part,

00:57:42.794 --> 00:57:46.340
one symptom, one aspect,
another changes.

00:57:46.340 --> 00:57:49.135
Sometimes I feel like
fighting a damn Hydra,

00:57:49.135 --> 00:57:51.804
lop one head off
and another grows.

00:57:52.764 --> 00:57:57.060
[gentle music]

00:57:59.687 --> 00:58:02.482
[Nikki VO] I would've been
in year four,

00:58:02.482 --> 00:58:05.694
so is that about
eight or nine years old?

00:58:05.694 --> 00:58:09.823
So the abuse would've been
going for five or six years.

00:58:10.073 --> 00:58:11.699
I can't remember
my teacher's name,

00:58:11.699 --> 00:58:15.828
but she presented a book about
a boy whose uncle abuses him,

00:58:15.828 --> 00:58:18.790
and it's sort of the first time
that I was like, oh,

00:58:18.790 --> 00:58:22.919
that's not the relationship
that other people have with it.

00:58:22.919 --> 00:58:24.837
In my case, my grandparent.

00:58:25.588 --> 00:58:28.466
It gave me a framework
that I then remember.

00:58:28.466 --> 00:58:31.844
After a speech therapy session,
sitting in a car with my mum

00:58:31.844 --> 00:58:33.136
and I was like,
I've got something to tell you.

00:58:33.136 --> 00:58:35.722
And I told her the story
from the book,

00:58:35.722 --> 00:58:37.389
and so I was like,
this is a story from a book

00:58:37.389 --> 00:58:38.598
that someone read to me.

00:58:38.598 --> 00:58:40.516
But the story is with me,

00:58:40.516 --> 00:58:44.145
not the little boy,
and Gramps, not the uncle.

00:58:47.898 --> 00:58:49.524
I am dealing with it slowly,

00:58:49.524 --> 00:58:52.319
but I have for a long time
held a lot of guilt.

00:58:52.944 --> 00:58:56.657
It stems from feeling like
I didn't protect other cousins

00:58:56.657 --> 00:58:58.283
who were younger than me,
and so

00:58:58.283 --> 00:59:02.537
in some ways it feels like
by waiting so long to speak out,

00:59:02.537 --> 00:59:05.457
that resulted in them
being abused.

00:59:17.427 --> 00:59:21.806
[women chattering]

00:59:31.775 --> 00:59:34.820
[Donna] So welcome
to FitLife everyone.

00:59:36.029 --> 00:59:37.363
It's pretty full on, isn't it?

00:59:37.363 --> 00:59:38.947
[woman] Yep.

00:59:39.406 --> 00:59:42.493
[women laugh and chatter]

01:00:01.803 --> 01:00:06.307
We've got Tommy Hopkins and
Tommy is the owner of FitLife,

01:00:06.307 --> 01:00:09.978
and he's, yeah,
so I'll just get you...

01:00:09.978 --> 01:00:13.023
-Nice to meet you all, ladies.
-Yeah.

01:00:13.023 --> 01:00:15.860
-[Donna] And this is Adam.
-Afternoon.

01:00:15.860 --> 01:00:17.486
[Donna] And Howard.

01:00:17.736 --> 01:00:21.156
-[Tommy] 1, 1, 2!
-[women] 1, 1, 2!

01:00:21.156 --> 01:00:24.744
-[Tommy] Again! 1, 1, 2!
-[women] 1, 1, 2!

01:00:24.869 --> 01:00:28.247
-[Tommy] 1, 2, 1!
-[women] 1, 2, 1!

01:00:28.247 --> 01:00:31.375
-[Tommy] Louder! 1, 2, 1!
-[women] 1, 2, 1!

01:00:31.500 --> 01:00:34.337
-[Tommy] 2, 1, 2!
-[women] 2, 1, 2!

01:00:34.337 --> 01:00:35.379
Good!

01:00:35.379 --> 01:00:39.425
So when, I want those arms
straight and I want them up.

01:00:39.425 --> 01:00:42.177
Okay, I'm seeing too much
of this, where you're down,

01:00:42.177 --> 01:00:43.969
and that's, you are going
to get punched in the face.

01:00:43.969 --> 01:00:45.303
So when you're punching,

01:00:45.303 --> 01:00:48.473
you're actually always
punching from there, yeah?

01:00:48.473 --> 01:00:52.061
So just try and think that,
because what that's going to do

01:00:52.061 --> 01:00:57.108
is just again remind you that
it's also about being grounded.

01:00:57.108 --> 01:00:59.110
But at the same time,
if you just want to let rip,

01:00:59.110 --> 01:01:00.152
let rip!

01:01:00.611 --> 01:01:03.155
[thudding]

01:01:04.365 --> 01:01:07.410
[women grunting and yelling]

01:01:08.786 --> 01:01:09.787
[Tommy] Come on!

01:01:09.787 --> 01:01:11.246
There's gotta be someone
who's pissed you off,

01:01:11.246 --> 01:01:13.499
makes you hit
harder than that.

01:01:14.708 --> 01:01:19.004
[grunting and thudding]

01:01:19.504 --> 01:01:22.549
[Tommy] Controlled aggression.
Controlled aggression.

01:01:23.467 --> 01:01:24.718
[Tommy] Good job.

01:01:25.259 --> 01:01:29.055
[Tommy] Alright we're
away folks, new round.

01:01:32.641 --> 01:01:34.977
[man] Yeah, good, good punch.
Good punch.

01:01:35.686 --> 01:01:38.606
[man] Good, good right.
Good right. Real good.

01:01:41.734 --> 01:01:43.610
[Tommy] Good!
Trying to get through.

01:01:43.610 --> 01:01:45.612
Hit those words on his t-shirt.

01:01:46.613 --> 01:01:48.991
[man] That's it, nice.
Good, good, good.

01:01:54.704 --> 01:01:58.417
[crowd cheering]

01:02:01.586 --> 01:02:04.214
-[man] Real good.
-Beautiful.

01:02:11.429 --> 01:02:13.598
[man] Keep breathing.
Keep breathing.

01:02:18.894 --> 01:02:19.978
[whistle blowing]

01:02:19.978 --> 01:02:21.645
[Tommy] We're away.

01:02:21.980 --> 01:02:23.731
[Donna] Alright, go Nikki!

01:02:23.731 --> 01:02:25.942
[man] Nice, nice, that's good.

01:02:25.942 --> 01:02:28.027
[man] That's good, that's good,
that's good.

01:02:28.445 --> 01:02:32.074
[man] Nice, good.
Always back to your chin.

01:02:32.074 --> 01:02:33.533
[Donna] Straight back
to your chin.

01:02:33.533 --> 01:02:34.992
[man] Back to your chin,
every time.

01:02:34.992 --> 01:02:36.826
[Tommy] Words on
his t-shirt, yeah?

01:02:38.329 --> 01:02:43.751
[Donna] Yeah, that's nice
control. Beautiful control.

01:02:47.505 --> 01:02:50.216
[Tommy] Good. 20 seconds,
Nikki, finish the round.

01:02:50.592 --> 01:02:53.845
Power in both hands, Nikki.
Yeah, turn your hips.

01:02:53.845 --> 01:02:56.306
Yes, and don't stop.

01:02:57.391 --> 01:03:00.769
[Nikki screaming]

01:03:02.521 --> 01:03:04.899
[Tommy] Time! Stop!

01:03:07.401 --> 01:03:11.322
[soft music]

01:03:15.033 --> 01:03:16.825
[whistle blowing]

01:03:23.583 --> 01:03:28.379
[Tommy] And stop, and go!
[whistle blowing]

01:03:32.842 --> 01:03:35.720
[Donna] When you listen
to your body...

01:03:36.888 --> 01:03:39.266
[man] Good. Good, Good!

01:03:47.023 --> 01:03:50.902
[soft music]

01:03:51.986 --> 01:03:54.114
[grunting]

01:03:54.489 --> 01:03:56.031
[man] Come on!

01:03:56.031 --> 01:03:58.242
[Tommy] 10 seconds, Claire.

01:04:02.079 --> 01:04:06.708
[men and women shouting]

01:04:10.045 --> 01:04:14.549
[woman] Straight, straight!
That's it Gabby.

01:04:14.799 --> 01:04:17.636
[woman] Gabby you're doing
fucking awesome.

01:04:17.636 --> 01:04:20.431
[woman] Awesome Gabby!

01:04:24.934 --> 01:04:28.605
[grunting and thudding]

01:04:29.396 --> 01:04:33.900
-[women] Yes!
-[Donna] That is great.

01:04:34.818 --> 01:04:37.655
[woman] He can handle it.
He can handle it.

01:04:49.291 --> 01:04:51.794
-[man] Come on, Julie.
-Fuck you!

01:04:51.960 --> 01:04:54.797
[man] Good!
Say it, say it, Julie.

01:04:55.506 --> 01:04:57.382
[Tommy] Good. Good!

01:04:57.382 --> 01:04:58.924
20 seconds, Julie.
Finish it now.

01:04:58.924 --> 01:05:01.427
Both hands.
Keep him in the corner, Julie.

01:05:01.427 --> 01:05:04.138
Keep him in the corner.
Good.

01:05:04.138 --> 01:05:06.349
Body as well Julie,
body as well.

01:05:06.933 --> 01:05:10.604
[Tommy] Yes! There you go.
Can't stop now.

01:05:11.146 --> 01:05:15.692
Finish the round. You got this.
Four seconds. Good!

01:05:16.234 --> 01:05:18.570
And stop!

01:05:18.570 --> 01:05:21.198
[women cheer]

01:05:32.834 --> 01:05:39.299
Fuck you! Fuck you! Get the fuck
off me! Fuck! Fuck you!

01:05:41.175 --> 01:05:43.218
Fuck off!

01:05:51.352 --> 01:05:55.106
-[woman] Say it! Say it!
-Fuck you!

01:06:05.616 --> 01:06:07.534
[man] Come on, more!

01:06:07.534 --> 01:06:10.329
[women] Yes!

01:06:13.582 --> 01:06:16.752
[breathing heavily]

01:06:25.259 --> 01:06:27.428
[Donna VO] Fighting back means

01:06:27.428 --> 01:06:34.351
a strength so fierce,
so deep, so profound,

01:06:34.351 --> 01:06:38.938
that dragons prowl
on football grounds.

01:06:39.606 --> 01:06:44.944
Lions surround me,
angels beat drums.

01:06:44.944 --> 01:06:47.613
Fighting back is like ecstasy.

01:06:48.364 --> 01:06:50.992
Dionysian rhythms.

01:06:52.493 --> 01:06:54.578
Safety chants.

01:06:59.666 --> 01:07:01.250
[radio host] Our next
conversation,

01:07:01.250 --> 01:07:03.042
it might be triggering
for some of you.

01:07:03.042 --> 01:07:07.463
Our next guests are survivors
of childhood sexual abuse.

01:07:07.463 --> 01:07:09.005
So the work that
you've got here,

01:07:09.005 --> 01:07:12.801
it's eight writers who've
contributed to this book

01:07:12.801 --> 01:07:14.135
as part of the program.

01:07:14.135 --> 01:07:16.220
How has it been to feel like

01:07:16.220 --> 01:07:20.308
these words will become
a public artefact?

01:07:20.308 --> 01:07:24.354
Fantastic. I mean, this is
something to be really proud of.

01:07:24.354 --> 01:07:27.732
I think what happened was,
because we gathered in a group,

01:07:27.732 --> 01:07:30.694
and we had this intent
and this focus,

01:07:30.694 --> 01:07:33.405
that's done something to
the quality of the work,

01:07:33.405 --> 01:07:36.325
it's really intensified
the power of it.

01:07:36.325 --> 01:07:37.409
And so it's, you know,

01:07:37.409 --> 01:07:41.455
it's really, really strong
and powerful writing.

01:07:41.455 --> 01:07:46.418
I think seeing your own history
shared in a group setting

01:07:46.418 --> 01:07:51.089
helps to, you to gain empathy
about your own situation,

01:07:51.089 --> 01:07:53.425
but also to see it
in a larger context.

01:07:53.425 --> 01:07:54.467
That you're not alone.

01:07:54.467 --> 01:07:58.346
Often survivors, you know,
feel like they're the only ones.

01:07:58.346 --> 01:08:00.474
They can't talk about it,
and then when--

01:08:00.474 --> 01:08:01.808
[radio host] Well you are
isolated, aren't you?

01:08:01.808 --> 01:08:04.019
Because it's not normalised,
these conversations.

01:08:04.019 --> 01:08:07.648
It's not, and you know, most of
the people who come to the group

01:08:07.648 --> 01:08:11.110
have never shared with anyone
outside a therapist's office,

01:08:11.110 --> 01:08:14.280
and all of a sudden they're in
a group of eight other women

01:08:14.280 --> 01:08:17.408
who have all experienced
profound abuse,

01:08:17.408 --> 01:08:20.286
and they're looking at these
people saying, you know,

01:08:20.286 --> 01:08:21.662
that shouldn't have
happened to you.

01:08:21.662 --> 01:08:24.499
Or, I feel the same,
that's how I feel, too.

01:08:24.499 --> 01:08:28.045
And so people start to give
language to their experiences,

01:08:28.045 --> 01:08:30.840
and your own experiences
and that is profound.

01:08:36.094 --> 01:08:38.555
[Donna] I'm really excited
about the book,

01:08:38.555 --> 01:08:41.975
and like, I've been going
through your writings

01:08:41.975 --> 01:08:43.101
and got the word count.

01:08:43.101 --> 01:08:45.853
Victor said it was okay
to have 68,000...

01:08:45.853 --> 01:08:48.522
70,000 words maximum,

01:08:48.522 --> 01:08:51.859
which I think, so I think we'll
try and go for about 68,000,

01:08:51.859 --> 01:08:53.318
which is really great.

01:08:54.696 --> 01:08:56.990
We will need to do final
approvals of writing,

01:08:56.990 --> 01:08:58.950
which can all happen
over email.

01:08:58.950 --> 01:09:00.284
[woman] Yeah.

01:09:00.910 --> 01:09:04.080
Then Victor gets sent the copy

01:09:04.080 --> 01:09:07.751
and he needs about
seven days to edit it.

01:09:07.751 --> 01:09:10.295
So they will edit it
or proof-read it.

01:09:10.295 --> 01:09:13.257
So, so we'll look at the
group positioning statement...

01:09:13.257 --> 01:09:16.052
Sorry Claire, I'm just...

01:09:16.052 --> 01:09:19.222
And then we'll go
into the creative brief.

01:09:19.973 --> 01:09:23.644
Okay. That's the two
agenda items today.

01:09:23.644 --> 01:09:26.564
"We want readers to know that
all of our abuse was unjust,

01:09:26.564 --> 01:09:28.356
"and that survivors
are everywhere.

01:09:28.356 --> 01:09:31.902
"Trauma lives in the body,
it's complex, multifaceted,

01:09:31.902 --> 01:09:33.611
"and it needs to be expressed.

01:09:33.611 --> 01:09:34.778
"We want readers to understand

01:09:34.778 --> 01:09:38.657
"how much work we do as
survivors to just be okay."

01:09:38.657 --> 01:09:40.910
"We give insight,

01:09:40.910 --> 01:09:45.164
"we offer insight into what it
means to grow up as a survivor.

01:09:45.164 --> 01:09:47.333
"We offer, we don't
want to, we just do it.

01:09:47.333 --> 01:09:51.587
"We offer insight into what it
means to live as a survivor."

01:09:51.587 --> 01:09:53.004
[Donna] And with...

01:09:53.004 --> 01:09:55.924
"I can't acknowledge my
journey of being a survivor

01:09:55.924 --> 01:09:57.258
"without acknowledging God."

01:09:57.258 --> 01:09:58.509
[woman] Yep.

01:09:58.509 --> 01:10:02.263
And I think that's
something that as,

01:10:02.263 --> 01:10:05.767
like it's always going to be
in the work that I do.

01:10:05.767 --> 01:10:07.184
[Lauren] There's
a lot of complexities

01:10:07.184 --> 01:10:08.601
around a lot of our experiences

01:10:08.601 --> 01:10:11.604
with the church, with religion,
with spirituality,

01:10:11.604 --> 01:10:14.649
and maybe there's a sentence
way we can express that,

01:10:14.649 --> 01:10:17.736
that builds on
what you've said

01:10:17.736 --> 01:10:21.615
to articulate that
complex relationship.

01:10:21.615 --> 01:10:24.201
I don't think you should build
on what Donna says,

01:10:24.201 --> 01:10:26.454
I think you should think about
what you want to say.

01:10:26.454 --> 01:10:29.958
-So that, that includes you.
-I don't know.

01:10:29.958 --> 01:10:32.211
Okay, so let's just
go slowly with it.

01:10:32.211 --> 01:10:36.174
"Some of us have faith in God
or a personal spirituality.

01:10:36.174 --> 01:10:39.511
"Others find the concept of God
difficult to embrace

01:10:39.511 --> 01:10:42.681
"or have completely rejected
organised religion,

01:10:42.681 --> 01:10:44.557
"due to the part it has played
in our lifelong trauma."

01:10:44.557 --> 01:10:45.558
-Yeah.
-Full stop.

01:10:45.558 --> 01:10:48.186
[Pixie] It's alright for me
as long as we include the fact,

01:10:48.186 --> 01:10:50.020
that some of us are
rejecting organised religion.

01:10:50.020 --> 01:10:50.979
[Donna] Yes.

01:10:50.979 --> 01:10:52.355
Because it's like a big
part of my story is,

01:10:52.355 --> 01:10:55.775
organised religion was
a really toxic influence,

01:10:55.775 --> 01:10:58.403
that was really involved
in my trauma,

01:10:58.403 --> 01:11:01.531
and I really just want to
flip 'em some of these ones

01:11:01.531 --> 01:11:03.365
the whole way through my life.

01:11:03.365 --> 01:11:05.032
[Lauren] So I guess that's
what I'm getting at,

01:11:05.032 --> 01:11:06.283
is like I feel like our,

01:11:06.283 --> 01:11:10.329
all of us have a very
different contextual,

01:11:10.329 --> 01:11:14.000
specific kind of relationship
with spirituality and religion

01:11:14.000 --> 01:11:15.667
and due to lots of
different things,

01:11:15.667 --> 01:11:17.501
including our specific trauma.

01:11:21.465 --> 01:11:25.469
[Pixie VO] I assumed that my
upbringing was pretty normal,

01:11:25.469 --> 01:11:27.095
but I didn't meet anyone

01:11:27.095 --> 01:11:29.473
who wasn't a part of
my very specific church

01:11:29.473 --> 01:11:31.182
until I went to university.

01:11:31.182 --> 01:11:34.770
I didn't grow up in a standard
run-of-the-mill church

01:11:34.770 --> 01:11:37.231
that everyone goes to
on Sunday, and it's nice.

01:11:37.231 --> 01:11:39.442
I grew up in a very,
very strict,

01:11:39.442 --> 01:11:41.820
very fire and brimstonic.

01:11:42.946 --> 01:11:46.700
The closest I can describe
it is,  it's like a cult.

01:11:46.700 --> 01:11:48.911
It was based very much in shame.

01:11:48.911 --> 01:11:51.164
We were taught, you know,

01:11:51.164 --> 01:11:54.542
as soon as we,
as people born female

01:11:54.542 --> 01:11:57.003
started looking like
people born female,

01:11:57.003 --> 01:12:00.340
we had to be guardians
of our bodies

01:12:00.340 --> 01:12:04.553
because men,
good, good pure men

01:12:04.553 --> 01:12:07.848
would be completely powerless
to resist to the temptation

01:12:07.848 --> 01:12:10.226
to commit acts of sin
upon our body

01:12:10.226 --> 01:12:12.395
because of the way
our bodies were shaped.

01:12:12.395 --> 01:12:15.106
Which made me incredibly
ashamed of my body

01:12:15.106 --> 01:12:18.276
and to be quite frank,
terrified.

01:12:21.237 --> 01:12:24.282
-Hello.
-Hi.

01:12:24.282 --> 01:12:26.325
So Cleo, this is Pixie.

01:12:26.325 --> 01:12:28.911
-Hi, nice to meet you.
-And Nikki.

01:12:28.911 --> 01:12:30.412
-Nice to meet you.
-Yeah.

01:12:30.412 --> 01:12:33.207
And Pixie though,

01:12:33.207 --> 01:12:36.085
you are going to read
as Kale in the book.

01:12:36.085 --> 01:12:38.463
-Yes. But you can call me Pixie.
-Yeah.

01:12:38.463 --> 01:12:40.423
-I go by many names.
-Yeah, excellent.

01:12:42.009 --> 01:12:45.054
[Pixie VO] If you had asked me
back in March,

01:12:45.054 --> 01:12:47.932
if you'd said, you know,
do you carry any anger?

01:12:47.932 --> 01:12:50.852
I would've said, ah, no,
I'm not an angry person.

01:12:50.852 --> 01:12:53.355
I don't feel angry,
I don't get angry.

01:12:53.355 --> 01:12:56.650
And part of that is just,
it's been part of my identity

01:12:56.650 --> 01:12:58.693
and part of it is that's
how I was raised,

01:12:58.693 --> 01:13:00.235
girls don't get angry.

01:13:00.821 --> 01:13:03.115
I was so easy to pin down,

01:13:03.532 --> 01:13:06.744
my tiny arms and legs
were so weak.

01:13:06.744 --> 01:13:08.370
All I had was my voice.

01:13:08.370 --> 01:13:10.539
That stupid feminine
voice saying,

01:13:10.539 --> 01:13:14.252
"No, no, don't! Please stop."
So politely.

01:13:14.252 --> 01:13:15.586
"Please don't."

01:13:16.463 --> 01:13:20.217
My body was so tiny, it was
completely useless to me.

01:13:21.760 --> 01:13:24.054
I want to be different now.

01:13:24.054 --> 01:13:26.182
I don't want to be
small anymore.

01:13:26.182 --> 01:13:28.977
I want to take up space,
I want to be strong.

01:13:28.977 --> 01:13:31.855
Not from starving myself,
but from fighting.

01:13:31.855 --> 01:13:34.524
I want to be able to
run without fainting.

01:13:34.524 --> 01:13:37.402
I want to be able to punch
and have it leave a mark.

01:13:37.402 --> 01:13:38.861
I want people to think twice

01:13:38.861 --> 01:13:40.695
before trying to
put me somewhere.

01:13:40.695 --> 01:13:42.487
I want the pain
I inflict on myself

01:13:42.487 --> 01:13:44.740
to be the pain of
progress, of growing,

01:13:44.740 --> 01:13:48.411
of breaking out of that old
small body with a tiny voice.

01:13:48.411 --> 01:13:50.664
I want to shout,
I want to swear,

01:13:50.664 --> 01:13:52.666
I want to be loud and angry.

01:13:52.666 --> 01:13:54.794
Girls aren't supposed
to be angry,

01:13:54.794 --> 01:13:57.213
but we have the most
to be angry about.

01:13:57.213 --> 01:14:00.675
I want to be angry for all
of us, but especially for me.

01:14:00.675 --> 01:14:02.677
I want to take up so much space

01:14:02.677 --> 01:14:04.344
that people get
out of the way.

01:14:04.344 --> 01:14:05.803
I want people to be too scared

01:14:05.803 --> 01:14:07.846
to even think
about touching me.

01:14:07.846 --> 01:14:09.555
I want to be strong.

01:14:36.541 --> 01:14:39.753
I am here,
because I want to exist.

01:14:40.587 --> 01:14:42.547
I want to take up space,

01:14:42.547 --> 01:14:45.550
and not be some emotional
sponge anymore.

01:14:45.550 --> 01:14:48.887
I want to know my
feelings and release them.

01:14:49.721 --> 01:14:54.976
I want to fix my body,
my mind and feel strong.

01:14:54.976 --> 01:14:58.522
I want to feel strength
radiate through me.

01:14:58.980 --> 01:15:02.526
My vulnerability
has been made public.

01:15:03.151 --> 01:15:08.823
I'm silently screaming in a
fishbowl seen from the street.

01:15:10.199 --> 01:15:16.747
The wind is on the outside,
the pen is on the inside.

01:15:17.747 --> 01:15:19.248
My skin is off.

01:15:19.832 --> 01:15:24.962
My trauma is an enormous ball
that fills my whole chest.

01:15:25.504 --> 01:15:29.050
It comes up my throat
when I'm just trying to speak.

01:15:30.133 --> 01:15:34.637
It is unwelcome.
It is always there.

01:15:35.889 --> 01:15:39.142
People can see it
billowing out of me.

01:15:39.142 --> 01:15:41.311
If it hadn't happened,

01:15:41.311 --> 01:15:44.982
I would not have had
a nervous breakdown.

01:15:44.982 --> 01:15:47.360
If it hadn't happened,

01:15:47.360 --> 01:15:52.365
I would not have been locked up
in a mental institution.

01:15:52.365 --> 01:15:54.241
If it hadn't happened,

01:15:54.241 --> 01:15:56.535
I would not have been
so triggered

01:15:56.535 --> 01:16:02.291
that I became 'insane', 'unwell'
or whatever the feeling is.

01:16:02.291 --> 01:16:06.045
Silence is stifled breath
underwater, trapped.

01:16:06.045 --> 01:16:08.464
Silence is the way
you held me down

01:16:08.464 --> 01:16:12.260
and zip my mouth shut,
my eyes wide open,

01:16:12.260 --> 01:16:15.388
covered me in your grime.

01:16:15.388 --> 01:16:17.473
Silence is violence.

01:16:17.473 --> 01:16:20.643
So dangerous,
the time bomb ticks.

01:16:20.643 --> 01:16:24.021
I wish I could tell how
my childhood really was.

01:16:24.021 --> 01:16:26.899
All the abuse and
trauma I endured.

01:16:26.899 --> 01:16:29.235
Now all they do
is pop me with pills.

01:16:29.235 --> 01:16:31.069
But that's not what I want.

01:16:31.069 --> 01:16:34.406
I just need to vent
and breathe.

01:16:39.702 --> 01:16:41.536
Alright.

01:16:41.536 --> 01:16:43.496
Here we go again.

01:16:43.496 --> 01:16:47.917
I moved up north,
interstate,

01:16:47.917 --> 01:16:51.630
which I'm really loving.

01:16:51.630 --> 01:16:53.047
It's been really stressful,

01:16:53.047 --> 01:16:54.589
but um...

01:16:55.884 --> 01:16:59.680
I think I didn't realise,
just subconsciously,

01:16:59.680 --> 01:17:02.683
how hyper vigilant I was

01:17:02.683 --> 01:17:05.728
all of the time when I
was living in Melbourne.

01:17:05.728 --> 01:17:10.149
And I think getting
away from Melbourne,

01:17:10.149 --> 01:17:16.030
I sort of feel safe for
the first time in my life.

01:17:17.364 --> 01:17:20.993
So that's,
that's pretty awesome.

01:17:20.993 --> 01:17:22.202
I do you feel very, very anxious

01:17:22.202 --> 01:17:24.371
about going back to
Melbourne though.

01:17:26.123 --> 01:17:28.166
I really don't want to.

01:17:28.166 --> 01:17:31.628
Heart's just...

01:17:32.045 --> 01:17:34.005
That's going to take
a lot of work

01:17:34.005 --> 01:17:36.216
to get myself
back down there.

01:17:36.216 --> 01:17:43.014
I think I feel like I've escaped
and just don't want to go back.

01:17:51.939 --> 01:17:56.401
[street sounds]

01:17:58.737 --> 01:18:01.365
[hairdryer blowing]
[woman] Now, next minute...

01:18:03.742 --> 01:18:05.409
All good.

01:18:06.411 --> 01:18:07.620
[woman]  What I want to do,

01:18:07.620 --> 01:18:10.707
it just kind of helps with
those little bits of texture.

01:18:10.707 --> 01:18:13.544
Alright. We're going to get
you standing up in a second.

01:18:13.544 --> 01:18:15.336
Yeah.

01:18:21.676 --> 01:18:23.678
I really started writing

01:18:23.678 --> 01:18:28.182
when I started doing my BA
in English at university,

01:18:28.182 --> 01:18:31.352
which I decided to
major in creative writing.

01:18:31.352 --> 01:18:34.647
But like, um,
I feel embarrassed

01:18:34.647 --> 01:18:39.026
that it's academia that's
made me become a writer.

01:18:39.026 --> 01:18:41.069
Like I feel really
embarrassed about that,

01:18:41.069 --> 01:18:45.949
it's not very cool, but that's
just what happened, yeah.

01:18:47.283 --> 01:18:50.745
I think it's sort of like the
annunciation of the feminine

01:18:50.745 --> 01:18:54.791
and my subject position
in a patriarchal society.

01:18:54.791 --> 01:18:58.879
Being able to
express that is really,

01:18:58.879 --> 01:19:01.631
I mean this is pretty
daggy but quite healing,

01:19:01.631 --> 01:19:07.344
quite therapeutic and letting
other people know, you know,

01:19:07.344 --> 01:19:13.308
how hard it is for you, a woman
in society kind of thing.

01:19:18.230 --> 01:19:21.776
[Gabrielle VO]
My body feels vulnerable,

01:19:21.776 --> 01:19:25.280
my body feels powerless.

01:19:25.280 --> 01:19:30.660
I keep putting on weight,
going fatter and fatter.

01:19:30.910 --> 01:19:33.538
[people laughing]

01:19:33.538 --> 01:19:38.167
People abuse me in the street
because I am overweight.

01:19:38.167 --> 01:19:41.504
They do not realise
that I cannot help it,

01:19:41.504 --> 01:19:45.050
that it's because
of my medication.

01:19:45.050 --> 01:19:47.052
It is often other women

01:19:47.052 --> 01:19:50.598
who abuse me in the street
for being overweight.

01:19:50.598 --> 01:19:53.768
They say, "Yuck!"

01:19:53.768 --> 01:19:54.602
[people laughing]

01:19:54.602 --> 01:19:57.897
When people abuse me
in the street,

01:19:57.897 --> 01:20:02.819
I imagine shooting them
with my imaginary bazooka.

01:20:02.902 --> 01:20:05.571
[explosion]

01:20:06.322 --> 01:20:09.868
[explosion]
[cars tooting]

01:20:11.910 --> 01:20:13.452
[crunch]

01:20:16.039 --> 01:20:19.084
[man] Self crushing car.
Self crushing car.

01:20:19.084 --> 01:20:20.210
[woman] That rage.

01:20:20.210 --> 01:20:21.836
[all] Whoa!

01:20:21.836 --> 01:20:23.628
[laughing]

01:20:23.628 --> 01:20:25.797
That's great.

01:20:33.513 --> 01:20:36.350
So Dove wasn't originally going
to come to the book launch.

01:20:36.350 --> 01:20:40.104
Not because she didn't
want to be part of it,

01:20:40.104 --> 01:20:44.108
just because of capacity,
um, and ah, and...

01:20:44.108 --> 01:20:46.819
But is now going to come,
which is amazing.

01:20:46.819 --> 01:20:49.363
But I also just want to
acknowledge that, you know,

01:20:49.363 --> 01:20:54.535
that is, that Dove's capacity is
kind of probably quite limited

01:20:54.535 --> 01:20:59.372
and I just really want
to respect that too.

01:20:59.372 --> 01:21:08.339
So we have either got to
put that back on the table,

01:21:08.339 --> 01:21:09.756
the 1st of December,

01:21:09.756 --> 01:21:16.179
as a potential or Saturday
the 10th of December.

01:21:16.179 --> 01:21:18.890
And the only time we can
get into that venue

01:21:18.890 --> 01:21:21.642
is 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM.

01:21:21.642 --> 01:21:24.103
So it's a Saturday night.

01:21:24.103 --> 01:21:25.604
We may not get the chance

01:21:25.604 --> 01:21:27.982
to read all of what
everyone chooses,

01:21:27.982 --> 01:21:29.524
but I think it would
be really nice.

01:21:29.524 --> 01:21:31.777
Think short, think long.

01:21:32.694 --> 01:21:35.989
[Claire] How much time
have we got each to read?

01:21:35.989 --> 01:21:39.242
You know, I don't think we
want any more than two minutes.

01:21:39.868 --> 01:21:41.077
[Claire] Yeah, so maybe--

01:21:41.077 --> 01:21:42.369
[Gabrielle] What did you say?
10 Minutes.

01:21:42.369 --> 01:21:44.078
Two, Gabby!

01:21:47.165 --> 01:21:48.582
I'm nervous now.

01:21:48.582 --> 01:21:51.544
I know you are,
but you're going to be fine.

01:21:53.378 --> 01:21:55.254
Just let them work with you.

01:21:55.254 --> 01:21:57.423
-Just let them work with you.
-Yeah.

01:21:57.423 --> 01:21:58.257
[Julie] And it looks like

01:21:58.257 --> 01:22:00.175
he's going to play it
on the keyboard.

01:22:01.177 --> 01:22:03.471
[woman] Just see what happens.

01:22:03.471 --> 01:22:05.724
Yeah, I like that chorus
on that one.

01:22:05.724 --> 01:22:06.600
Yeah, good.

01:22:06.600 --> 01:22:07.601
Do you like it?

01:22:07.601 --> 01:22:10.521
I do, I think they're,
they're really powerful lyrics.

01:22:10.521 --> 01:22:12.523
-Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

01:22:12.523 --> 01:22:15.192
-[piano playing]
-[man] Okay.

01:22:26.036 --> 01:22:30.165
♪ We bounce on the ropes ♪

01:22:32.709 --> 01:22:37.505
♪ With emotion so high ♪

01:22:37.505 --> 01:22:39.172
That's nice.
How does that feel?

01:22:39.172 --> 01:22:41.006
-Yeah, it's alright.
-Good.

01:22:41.006 --> 01:22:42.632
[piano playing]

01:22:42.632 --> 01:22:47.595
♪ We bounce off the ropes ♪

01:22:48.430 --> 01:22:53.393
♪ With emotion so high ♪

01:22:54.770 --> 01:22:59.524
♪ Sadness from torture ♪

01:23:00.442 --> 01:23:04.113
♪ We try to reach for the sky ♪

01:23:04.113 --> 01:23:08.909
[Julie VO] I actually recorded
a CD when I was 29.

01:23:09.285 --> 01:23:14.207
I was doing really well and
I had a huge CD launch.

01:23:14.207 --> 01:23:15.583
Best night of my life.

01:23:15.583 --> 01:23:19.754
A lot of radio people
were there, it got airplay,

01:23:19.754 --> 01:23:25.009
and I did see a future
in singing, at that stage.

01:23:25.009 --> 01:23:27.846
But that's when
it all fell apart.

01:23:27.846 --> 01:23:31.725
A year after my CD launch
is when everything stopped

01:23:31.725 --> 01:23:35.103
and the self-harm was
just out of control,

01:23:35.103 --> 01:23:36.770
and um,

01:23:36.770 --> 01:23:38.146
and my singing stopped.

01:23:38.604 --> 01:23:42.608
♪ Should I throw in the towel ♪

01:23:42.608 --> 01:23:45.069
[both]  ♪ Or give up the fight ♪

01:23:45.069 --> 01:23:46.153
Yeah.

01:23:46.153 --> 01:23:49.031
♪ Should I throw in the towel ♪

01:23:49.031 --> 01:23:51.742
♪ Or give up the fight ♪

01:23:51.742 --> 01:23:53.201
That's it. Perfect.

01:23:53.201 --> 01:23:55.829
[Julie VO] They were the very
first lyrics that came out,

01:23:55.829 --> 01:23:58.957
which I haven't written
for a long, long time,

01:23:58.957 --> 01:24:03.128
before Left Write Hook.
So, it was a blessing.

01:24:04.087 --> 01:24:09.300
♪ We'll scream it
From the roof ♪

01:24:12.136 --> 01:24:16.890
♪ We bounce off the ropes ♪

01:24:18.350 --> 01:24:22.604
♪ With emotions so high ♪

01:24:22.604 --> 01:24:25.524
[Julie VO] In my early teens
when I was singing,

01:24:25.524 --> 01:24:29.737
it took me into a place
where there was no one else.

01:24:29.737 --> 01:24:36.119
It was just me, and what came
out of my mouth was just me.

01:24:37.369 --> 01:24:41.915
♪ Our eyes filled with pain ♪

01:24:43.417 --> 01:24:48.254
♪ For reasons we know ♪

01:24:52.050 --> 01:24:53.842
-Hello.
-Hello.

01:24:53.842 --> 01:24:56.511
-Oh, you look gorgeous.
-Thank you.

01:24:56.511 --> 01:24:58.513
-Oh you do, you look fantastic.
-So do you.

01:24:58.513 --> 01:25:00.682
Oh my gosh,
you're so brown.

01:25:01.057 --> 01:25:02.391
[laughing]

01:25:02.391 --> 01:25:05.143
And how are you feeling
about the book launch?

01:25:05.478 --> 01:25:09.649
Shitting myself.
Absolutely shitting myself.

01:25:09.649 --> 01:25:11.191
Are you going to read?

01:25:11.191 --> 01:25:13.694
Ah, I thought I'd talk
to you about that.

01:25:13.694 --> 01:25:15.612
Is everyone reading?

01:25:15.612 --> 01:25:17.906
Yeah, they are,

01:25:17.906 --> 01:25:22.077
but like, you can pick
a really short piece.

01:25:22.077 --> 01:25:25.080
[piano playing]

01:25:40.678 --> 01:25:44.766
♪ Bleeding memories
And haunted pasts ♪

01:25:44.766 --> 01:25:50.146
♪ But here we are survivors ♪

01:25:52.231 --> 01:25:54.359
[Claire VO]
I'm not sure survivor

01:25:54.359 --> 01:25:57.070
is the good
enough word yet.

01:25:57.863 --> 01:26:00.157
Maybe it's not about
being a survivor.

01:26:00.157 --> 01:26:02.368
Maybe it's about
being a reviver,

01:26:02.368 --> 01:26:06.081
or someone who
creates a new reality

01:26:06.081 --> 01:26:08.833
because the old one
was pretty fucked!

01:26:09.543 --> 01:26:12.671
-Oh, look at you.
-Oh, you look amazing.

01:26:12.671 --> 01:26:14.799
So do you, I love it.

01:26:14.799 --> 01:26:16.091
It's just awesome.

01:26:16.091 --> 01:26:19.053
-So good to see you.
-You too.

01:26:23.139 --> 01:26:27.143
It was more seeing everyone
that got me over the line.

01:26:28.102 --> 01:26:30.854
[Claire VO] You want to do more
than just survive.

01:26:30.854 --> 01:26:34.567
And yet you have survived
is incredible,

01:26:34.567 --> 01:26:38.655
because actually you,
we weren't supposed to survive,

01:26:38.655 --> 01:26:42.033
and we weren't supposed
to be heard.

01:26:42.033 --> 01:26:45.787
Surviving is a big thing,
but surviving with a voice

01:26:45.787 --> 01:26:50.041
and without shame,
is another thing.

01:26:51.292 --> 01:26:54.170
[all laughing]

01:26:55.671 --> 01:26:57.172
And we're going to rule it.

01:26:57.172 --> 01:26:59.215
It doesn't matter
if you fluff it up,

01:26:59.215 --> 01:27:01.801
if you stuff it up,
it doesn't matter, okay?

01:27:02.510 --> 01:27:04.011
This is, yeah...

01:27:04.011 --> 01:27:05.845
[all laughing]

01:27:05.845 --> 01:27:09.391
This is genuinely the
authenticity of the experience.

01:27:09.391 --> 01:27:11.393
That's all it is.

01:27:18.484 --> 01:27:23.113
Our writing is honest,
brutal and raw,

01:27:23.113 --> 01:27:25.699
and at times we use profanity.

01:27:25.699 --> 01:27:28.661
Nothing was censored
in our workshops.

01:27:28.661 --> 01:27:32.957
Talking about sexual abuse
can cause discomfort.

01:27:32.957 --> 01:27:36.586
And so if you are a survivor
here with us tonight,

01:27:38.462 --> 01:27:41.090
and have not yet
shared your story,

01:27:41.632 --> 01:27:43.801
we hope that standing
in front of you tonight

01:27:43.801 --> 01:27:48.388
and sharing our thoughts,
might resonate with you,

01:27:48.388 --> 01:27:52.559
and provide you with
some comfort and hope

01:27:52.559 --> 01:27:53.893
that you are not alone.

01:27:54.519 --> 01:27:57.314
I really want to thank all
the family and friends

01:27:57.314 --> 01:27:59.525
who are here tonight
to support us

01:27:59.525 --> 01:28:04.196
and to bear witness to our
process of restoring ourselves.

01:28:04.613 --> 01:28:09.701
When the women you see
here tonight before you, box,

01:28:09.701 --> 01:28:13.747
we are releasing trauma
from our bodies.

01:28:13.747 --> 01:28:17.376
We are giving form
to the daily fight.

01:28:18.376 --> 01:28:22.589
This has informed the power
of the writing in this book.

01:28:23.213 --> 01:28:26.341
Paul Collis,
a Barkindji person,

01:28:26.341 --> 01:28:31.346
writer and academic,
tells me to listen to Country.

01:28:31.846 --> 01:28:33.764
I am.

01:28:33.764 --> 01:28:36.516
So even though some
pretty mean operators

01:28:36.516 --> 01:28:38.559
have tried to
silence me,

01:28:38.559 --> 01:28:44.607
the cockies are telling me to
keep making noise, so I will.

01:28:45.232 --> 01:28:49.111
I am here because
I want to save myself.

01:28:49.403 --> 01:28:52.365
I know I am here,
because I am

01:28:52.365 --> 01:28:57.077
sitting on an orange tub
with pink wraps beside me.

01:28:57.412 --> 01:29:02.500
I am here because my mouth
is the only weapon I have left.

01:29:02.500 --> 01:29:04.794
They took everything else
from me,

01:29:04.794 --> 01:29:07.005
but never managed
to shut me up.

01:29:07.005 --> 01:29:08.965
I just want to take a moment

01:29:08.965 --> 01:29:14.303
to say what an incredibly big
moment this feels like for me.

01:29:14.303 --> 01:29:17.223
I've lived my entire life

01:29:17.223 --> 01:29:21.769
completely shrouded
in feelings of shame.

01:29:21.769 --> 01:29:24.564
And this journey with
Left Write Hook

01:29:24.564 --> 01:29:29.068
has taken me from a
place of incredible shame

01:29:29.068 --> 01:29:31.571
to a place of pride.

01:29:31.571 --> 01:29:32.988
There is...

01:29:32.988 --> 01:29:35.950
[audience applauding
and cheering]

01:29:37.409 --> 01:29:39.537
Healing is all of it.

01:29:39.537 --> 01:29:41.706
And the road is worth it.

01:29:41.706 --> 01:29:44.334
As a favourite lyric
of mine said,

01:29:44.334 --> 01:29:47.546
"If the end is worthless,
we don't need the journey."

01:29:48.380 --> 01:29:52.593
This is worth the fight,
the end, and the journey both.

01:29:52.593 --> 01:29:55.012
[applause]

01:30:00.517 --> 01:30:05.229
[applause and cheering]

01:30:13.237 --> 01:30:15.740
[gentle music]

01:30:25.165 --> 01:30:29.461
Yeah I just, I dunno, I feel,
yeah, dissociated and also...

01:30:29.461 --> 01:30:33.132
I feel very loved actually
and accepted,

01:30:33.132 --> 01:30:37.511
despite my, like accepted
for these parts of myself,

01:30:37.511 --> 01:30:39.930
which feels really big.

01:30:39.930 --> 01:30:43.267
Yeah, that's, yeah, that's big.

01:30:52.483 --> 01:30:58.239
[people chattering]

01:31:42.490 --> 01:31:46.578
[running footsteps]

01:32:09.266 --> 01:32:11.977
[Julie singing "On The Ropes"]

01:32:11.977 --> 01:32:18.149
♪ I never thought how
My life would change ♪

01:32:18.149 --> 01:32:20.318
♪ We just one breath ♪

01:32:20.318 --> 01:32:24.447
♪ I ride the wave ♪

01:32:24.447 --> 01:32:30.453
♪ Cold rooms and my despair ♪

01:32:30.453 --> 01:32:37.043
♪ Then others came
With scars they bear ♪

01:32:37.043 --> 01:32:43.383
♪ Bleeding memories
And haunted pasts ♪

01:32:43.383 --> 01:32:49.973
♪ But here we are survivors ♪

01:32:49.973 --> 01:32:54.978
♪ We bounce off the ropes ♪

01:32:56.229 --> 01:33:00.691
♪ With emotion so high ♪

01:33:02.694 --> 01:33:07.406
♪ Sadness from torture ♪

01:33:08.783 --> 01:33:13.245
♪ We reach for the sky ♪

01:33:14.997 --> 01:33:20.044
♪ Our eyes filled with pain ♪

01:33:21.169 --> 01:33:26.341
♪  For reasons we know ♪

01:33:27.383 --> 01:33:32.638
♪ But back on the ropes ♪

01:33:33.848 --> 01:33:38.644
♪ We will take the blows ♪

01:33:39.561 --> 01:33:45.233
♪ As time goes on
The closer the bond ♪

01:33:45.775 --> 01:33:51.573
♪ And in my soul
The feeling is strong ♪

01:33:51.947 --> 01:33:58.287
♪ The truth is
It happens everywhere ♪

01:33:58.250 --> 01:34:02.296
♪ We hold our heads high
To face another day ♪