00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:25.360
- I said you have to put your seat-belt on.

00:00:26.880 --> 00:00:29.200
Or you do not ride in my car.

00:00:31.160 --> 00:00:32.160
Shall we go?

00:00:32.160 --> 00:00:33.520
- Sure.

00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:35.000
Why are we going.

00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:39.680
- We're celebrating life, actually.

00:00:40.160 --> 00:00:42.800
This is five years ago today.

00:00:42.800 --> 00:00:46.680
You were given a new life.
That's how I felt. Yes.

00:00:48.680 --> 00:00:52.920
OK, let's go... off to the beach.

00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:16.880
- I never set out to make
documentaries starring my mother.

00:01:20.600 --> 00:01:21.600
- Come on.

00:01:22.760 --> 00:01:24.120
Here, shoot me.

00:01:25.080 --> 00:01:29.240
- But in the early 1990s,
the camera helped us stay connected.

00:01:31.960 --> 00:01:34.000
- The umbilical cord (LAUGHS).

00:01:34.880 --> 00:01:36.320
Oh, the headphones.

00:01:38.040 --> 00:01:41.760
- It kept us talking during times
that were hard to navigate.

00:01:49.880 --> 00:01:51.720
- I feel good with you.

00:01:52.840 --> 00:01:54.760
- I always feel good with you.

00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:56.760
- Today feels really good.

00:01:56.760 --> 00:01:58.280
- Good. I'm glad.

00:02:29.920 --> 00:02:33.080
- I miss her. And the house.

00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:41.080
I miss her voice, her looks,
her skinless chicken,

00:02:41.960 --> 00:02:48.360
her long pregnant pauses,
and her uncanny intuition.

00:02:48.360 --> 00:02:51.680
- Lots of things happen in
life and changes are made,

00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:55.360
and we have to be able to
adjust to it and roll with it.

00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:26.000
- Wedding ring. I was really
worried because I knew it would kill her,

00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.200
I mean she's already dead
but it would really kill her

00:03:28.200 --> 00:03:31.840
if it was lost.

00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:38.120
Present?

00:03:38.120 --> 00:03:39.120
- Turn it off.

00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:41.200
- You have a present for them?
- Turn it off.

00:03:41.200 --> 00:03:43.640
- Why? I wanna see.

00:03:43.640 --> 00:03:46.960
- Judy just...
- Come on. I wanna see what the present is.

00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:48.400
- Just some money. That's all.

00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:51.720
- So? You don't want anyone
to know where you put your money?

00:03:52.640 --> 00:03:54.080
- Turn the damn thing off.

00:03:57.880 --> 00:03:59.280
- You're a nice lady.

00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:00.520
- I think so.

00:04:00.520 --> 00:04:02.080
- I like you. I'll keep you.

00:04:03.480 --> 00:04:05.280
- I hope you will for a long time.

00:04:06.960 --> 00:04:11.760
- Hong Kong, I wouldn't have known which
restaurants my mom went to for delivery.

00:04:11.760 --> 00:04:15.520
Pizza & Pasta
but then somehow,

00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:21.240
it's this Chinese restaurant on top.
This is like this amazing time capsule.

00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:25.120
So do I take it apart? Or do I keep it?

00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:29.560
- Wanda says we analyze everything,
and you, and you try to

00:04:29.560 --> 00:04:34.040
tie it together, make it significant.

00:04:34.040 --> 00:04:37.080
- Whoo! Happy Anniversary!

00:04:37.600 --> 00:04:39.520
(LAUGHTER)

00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:42.240
- Can I keep that?
- Sure.

00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:43.520
- I want that.

00:04:43.520 --> 00:04:46.080
- I've been obsessed with family history,

00:04:46.080 --> 00:04:49.680
and probably more interested
in the past than I've ever been

00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:53.000
in the present, in some way.

00:04:55.080 --> 00:04:58.040
These are these little
elephants

00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:03.600
that they bought as, like, talisman.
I cannot throw this out.

00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:05.600
I could get married.

00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:07.760
I mean, but that doesn't really look

00:05:07.760 --> 00:05:09.120
like that's necessarily gonna happen.

00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:12.520
I mean as my mother would
say, 'you never know.'

00:05:12.520 --> 00:05:16.600
But still you know I don't think so.

00:05:17.280 --> 00:05:19.840
- Judy, let's say goodnight, please.

00:05:19.840 --> 00:05:21.520
- OK. It's a deal.
- Turn off the lights.

00:05:21.520 --> 00:05:23.000
- OK.

00:05:24.280 --> 00:05:26.600
- Over and out.
- OK.

00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:28.920
- But you're not. You're still filming me.

00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:30.920
(LAUGHTER)

00:05:38.080 --> 00:05:41.040
- This is really, like...

00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:47.040
(MUSIC PLAYING)

00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:03.600
- July 2013.

00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:07.720
My brother David was visiting
from Eugene, Oregon.

00:06:08.840 --> 00:06:10.280
- Are you in, Judith?
- I'm in.

00:06:10.280 --> 00:06:11.280
- She's in.

00:06:11.280 --> 00:06:13.840
- Our dad had passed away
five years earlier...

00:06:15.720 --> 00:06:17.800
which had prepared us, a little.

00:06:19.240 --> 00:06:23.280
Look, we were all there.
So we all know what she said, right?

00:06:23.280 --> 00:06:24.640
- Yeah.

00:06:24.640 --> 00:06:31.040
I just don't feel like I am ready
for this. It's just hard to believe,

00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:34.200
that I'm actually (LAUGHS).

00:06:38.320 --> 00:06:40.680
Because I've been such a good person,
right? (LAUGHS).

00:06:40.680 --> 00:06:43.720
- Absolutely, you are. Yeah, absolutely.

00:06:43.720 --> 00:06:48.200
- My soul will rise to meet your dad's.

00:06:53.720 --> 00:06:56.200
- Up until this point,
our mom had been living well

00:06:56.200 --> 00:07:01.920
with metastatic colon cancer, but
after two and a half years it was time,

00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:06.480
for our mother to stop treatment,
and for us to turn her apartment

00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:10.280
into what we like to call
Shay Health and Hospice.

00:07:13.080 --> 00:07:15.880
- Look this way please.
That's great. Better. Better.

00:07:18.080 --> 00:07:19.800
- It's the family. Get in.

00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:22.840
- Alright, I'm getting in too.

00:07:22.840 --> 00:07:25.840
- Put the camera down.
No-no-no put the camera in your pocket.

00:07:25.840 --> 00:07:26.920
Put it away.

00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:28.000
- Ouch, Alex.

00:07:29.760 --> 00:07:33.040
The only good thing about
time running out, is that

00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:36.040
it pushes people to find
the strength to show up.

00:07:36.720 --> 00:07:38.080
- I hope I see you again.

00:07:38.080 --> 00:07:39.480
- I hope so too.

00:07:41.440 --> 00:07:45.840
- Or in my case finally,
follow-through, and face the hard stuff.

00:07:47.320 --> 00:07:50.760
Like talking with my mom about
how we'd observe the Jewish rituals

00:07:50.760 --> 00:07:53.480
of mourning, for her.

00:07:53.480 --> 00:07:56.600
We're gonna sit shiva, we're
gonna do a really good job.

00:07:56.600 --> 00:08:00.240
We will all say kaddish,
and I promise I'm going do it

00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:03.840
for a year at that place, that (SPEAKS
HEBREW) for me, way too many hours.

00:08:04.840 --> 00:08:06.880
- We go Friday or Saturday morning.

00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:09.720
- Yeah. You can go every morning if you want
to.

00:08:10.360 --> 00:08:11.440
- OK.

00:08:11.440 --> 00:08:13.600
- And that way I'll walk with you
every morning.

00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:15.720
A power walk to (SPEAKS HEBREW).

00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:19.200
- You'll walk to (SPEAKS HEBREW)
and you'll lose weight.

00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:26.440
- That's not gonna be your
last words to me, right?

00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:28.720
- No (LAUGHS).

00:08:31.840 --> 00:08:35.200
- Ever since she was first
diagnosed, my mom had been asking me

00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:36.760
to do two things.

00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:41.760
She wanted me to spend weekends
with her, going through all her stuff.

00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:47.560
And she asked me to lose
50 pounds, while she was alive,

00:08:47.560 --> 00:08:53.360
so she could die knowing I was
healthy, and I didn't do either.

00:08:57.560 --> 00:09:01.440
Why give her all that peace of
mind and license to detach?

00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:02.880
She might use it.

00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:13.760
- Remember, I had two little kids
and a husband.

00:09:16.200 --> 00:09:17.760
So, I guess that helped a lot.

00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:24.040
And we went on you know.
We went along with our lives.

00:09:24.640 --> 00:09:27.720
- And I'm sure I'll meet someone
really wonderful,

00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:30.680
and I'll have a partner,
and I'm just sorry...

00:09:30.680 --> 00:09:36.040
- That's what I'm mostly concerned
about... That you will be alone.

00:09:38.920 --> 00:09:43.200
And if you don't have a kid, it's OK too.
Kids are not the whole life.

00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:44.840
They aren't really.

00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:50.200
Maybe I shouldn't say that. Look at you three.

00:09:56.800 --> 00:09:58.800
- Even at the end of her life,

00:09:58.800 --> 00:10:02.200
my mom was trying to help me see
my situation in a different light.

00:10:04.080 --> 00:10:07.280
Because for years,
I had wanted to become a mom.

00:10:07.280 --> 00:10:14.200
(BACKGROUND CONVERSATIONS)

00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:17.440
- We had worked hard to be happy
for our loved ones,

00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:19.560
simchas, and life cycle celebrations.

00:10:21.160 --> 00:10:26.000
But ironically, the happier we were
for others, the harder it got for us.

00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:29.960
- I had always hoped that
you would have children.

00:10:32.480 --> 00:10:34.560
Every mother dreams of that.

00:10:37.160 --> 00:10:38.400
But you're still gonna have children.

00:10:39.920 --> 00:10:41.240
And they'll be my grandchildren.

00:10:46.560 --> 00:10:50.880
- I actually started
the adoption process in my early 40s,

00:10:50.880 --> 00:10:53.040
but never saw it all the way through.

00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:01.920
When my mom got sick,
I fast-tracked the process,

00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:05.720
because my becoming a mother
through adoption,

00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:09.560
was something
we'd both been dreaming about for years.

00:11:12.360 --> 00:11:16.240
Ever since 1990, when I was 25.

00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:40.720
- Unfortunately, for your daughter,
the cancer is on her cervix.

00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:46.080
And there are two choices.

00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:49.680
Standard radiation therapy
or standard surgery,

00:11:49.680 --> 00:11:51.720
which would be a radical surgery.

00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:54.200
- You've done a lot of these?

00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:56.160
- Yes, I've done lots
of these operations

00:11:56.160 --> 00:11:58.040
on DES-exposed women.

00:11:59.320 --> 00:12:03.360
- Diethylstilbestrol,
otherwise known as the wonder drug DES,

00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:06.760
was the anti-miscarriage pill
my mother was prescribed

00:12:06.760 --> 00:12:08.120
when she was pregnant with me.

00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:16.160
It wasn't until years later,
when I was eight,

00:12:16.160 --> 00:12:20.240
that she found out that it had caused
irreparable reproductive damage

00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.680
to the millions of children
exposed in utero.

00:12:25.040 --> 00:12:28.840
And some, one in a thousand,
could get a rare cancer.

00:12:32.640 --> 00:12:35.760
That's why I had to have an emergency
radical hysterectomy.

00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:54.480
I went home to heal,
to the very same room

00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:56.880
that my parents had brought me home to
as an infant.

00:12:57.480 --> 00:13:00.520
But this time,
I brought along a video camera.

00:13:12.880 --> 00:13:14.040
How you doing, ma?

00:13:15.560 --> 00:13:17.600
- I feel very badly
that this happened to you.

00:13:19.480 --> 00:13:21.560
I would rather have had it
had happen to me.

00:13:27.680 --> 00:13:29.680
- But I'm OK. I'm OK.
- I know you are.

00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:32.440
- Give me a kiss.

00:13:41.400 --> 00:13:43.480
But neither one of us was really OK.

00:13:55.040 --> 00:13:57.400
And documenting what was happening to us,

00:13:58.040 --> 00:13:59.880
was the only thing
that made me feel better.

00:14:13.800 --> 00:14:15.720
- You lost your productive organs.

00:14:17.040 --> 00:14:19.920
- No, ma, I lost my reproductive organs.

00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:23.040
My organs are still quite productive.

00:14:23.040 --> 00:14:24.760
- Your reproductive organs.

00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:31.240
It's sad, and it's a tragedy,

00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:33.640
but who knows?

00:14:35.560 --> 00:14:37.520
I don't know what right words.

00:14:40.120 --> 00:14:42.320
- Look Ma, who knows
what the future lies for anybody,

00:14:42.320 --> 00:14:44.840
but I'm dealing with the present
right now.

00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:48.360
It's just, someone came into my body,

00:14:50.400 --> 00:14:53.080
and they took out what was mine
for all these years.

00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:55.280
- But Judy, he took it out
so that you would live.

00:14:55.280 --> 00:14:56.800
If he didn't take it out, you wouldn't,

00:14:56.800 --> 00:14:59.080
maybe in five years
you wouldn't be here.

00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:02.520
You've got to think of it that way.

00:15:06.840 --> 00:15:09.400
- My mother had a hard time
dealing with my grief.

00:15:10.680 --> 00:15:13.080
And I had a hard time
dealing with the fact

00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:15.560
that all this was happening in private.

00:15:19.280 --> 00:15:22.000
And that's what pushed me
to make 'A Healthy Baby Girl'.

00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:23.920
My first personal documentary.

00:15:24.920 --> 00:15:27.320
I wanted people to see
the emotional cost,

00:15:27.880 --> 00:15:29.920
of what the pharmaceutical industry
had done.

00:15:31.160 --> 00:15:34.840
Because the drug companies had known
DES was carcinogenic,

00:15:35.640 --> 00:15:37.400
and kept it on the market for years.

00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:44.360
Making the film led us to other
DES cancer daughters,

00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:48.240
some of them even facing recurrences.

00:15:50.120 --> 00:15:54.160
And that's when we realized,
this cancer could come back.

00:16:06.680 --> 00:16:08.000
Look at you go.

00:16:08.800 --> 00:16:10.360
You're going.

00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:13.360
- Now I want my feet up.

00:16:15.640 --> 00:16:17.520
- Do you have to point at it?

00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:21.000
Shit.

00:16:24.400 --> 00:16:27.040
- Look at the little arrow
that says head up.

00:16:27.040 --> 00:16:28.280
- Head up.

00:16:28.840 --> 00:16:30.440
No, we want feet up.

00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:32.600
- I mean, feet up. Yeah.

00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:35.520
The two of us put our heads together.

00:16:36.360 --> 00:16:37.720
- OK.

00:16:39.040 --> 00:16:41.080
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

00:16:41.080 --> 00:16:44.920
Taking care of my mom
had become an unexpected parenting

00:16:44.920 --> 00:16:46.480
one-on-one class.

00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:50.800
Including, every once in a while,
having to take a break.

00:16:52.560 --> 00:16:55.560
So I was at a film festival,
giving a workshop,

00:16:55.560 --> 00:16:58.160
which they happened to be documenting,

00:16:58.160 --> 00:16:59.800
when I got the call.

00:16:59.800 --> 00:17:02.040
It has to be something at stake.

00:17:02.040 --> 00:17:03.320
Oh my gosh.

00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:06.000
Oh, boy. Alright.

00:17:07.800 --> 00:17:09.000
Wow! OK.

00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:11.720
That's my adoption agency,

00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:16.560
telling me if my birth parents
are saying yes or no. I think.

00:17:17.200 --> 00:17:19.240
But I'm not going to take it right now.

00:17:19.960 --> 00:17:22.160
- You've got to!
- No, it's OK.

00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:25.440
(BACKGROUND CONVERSATION)

00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:27.560
- Do it.
- Oh, come on.

00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:33.440
- They wanna what? They wanna move
forward with me?

00:17:35.400 --> 00:17:36.880
That's great.

00:17:42.920 --> 00:17:46.840
Alright. So, OK. So, I'm busy
for the next two hours. OK.

00:17:47.440 --> 00:17:50.320
Two hours? Two hours.
I'm busy for the next two hours,

00:17:50.320 --> 00:17:53.040
but then I'm free. Thanks.

00:17:53.040 --> 00:17:55.000
OK. Bye.

00:17:55.600 --> 00:17:58.120
(AUDIENCE CLAPS)

00:18:07.760 --> 00:18:09.200
- OK. So, mom.

00:18:09.200 --> 00:18:10.760
- What?

00:18:13.600 --> 00:18:15.080
- I got some news.

00:18:15.080 --> 00:18:16.760
-What?
- Those birth parents.

00:18:16.760 --> 00:18:18.440
- Yeah.? Changed their mind?

00:18:19.160 --> 00:18:21.040
- Changed their mind about what?

00:18:21.800 --> 00:18:24.320
- About you.
-They never made up their mind.

00:18:24.320 --> 00:18:26.240
- Oh, they're keeping the baby.

00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:28.240
- No, they made up their mind.

00:18:28.800 --> 00:18:30.080
- Yeah?

00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:32.600
- They want to give it to me.

00:18:32.600 --> 00:18:35.240
- Oh. Good luck.

00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:44.000
Timing is never right.

00:18:46.840 --> 00:18:48.240
Is timing right?

00:18:49.600 --> 00:18:52.480
David was born, my mother died.

00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:56.360
Timing's never right.

00:18:59.800 --> 00:19:00.880
One thing I do know...

00:19:06.600 --> 00:19:08.560
If this is already over...

00:19:11.080 --> 00:19:14.880
It'll be easier for you,
because you'll be concentrating

00:19:15.560 --> 00:19:17.280
on taking care of this baby.

00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:19.880
And...

00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:26.600
it'll help you through it.

00:19:28.520 --> 00:19:30.080
Maybe.

00:19:32.120 --> 00:19:36.000
- Having been through that
experience myself.

00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:41.200
I know, so. It's a very weird
experience.

00:19:43.520 --> 00:19:48.640
- I think the hardest thing,
will be when I wanna call you

00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:50.440
to tell you things.

00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:51.920
(PHONE RINGS)

00:19:51.920 --> 00:19:54.480
- I know what you mean.

00:19:55.360 --> 00:19:57.720
(PHONE RINGS)

00:19:57.720 --> 00:20:01.360
- Hello? Yes, yes. It's Florence.

00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:07.760
Yeah with the pain in the
waist, one? That was Friday afternoon, yeah.

00:20:08.800 --> 00:20:11.640
Yeah, yeah, off and on,
everyday.

00:20:15.400 --> 00:20:18.920
- But just as I was starting
to establish my relationship

00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:22.600
with the birth mother and father, my mother
started to really decline.

00:20:24.520 --> 00:20:27.000
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:20:27.000 --> 00:20:30.280
- Do you wanna sit in the chair
for a little bit and see how that feels?

00:20:30.280 --> 00:20:33.320
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:20:34.760 --> 00:20:39.000
- In one of her last big acts
of parenting, she looked at me and said,

00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:44.760
'Judy, maybe I'm your baby right now.
Baby me'.

00:20:46.280 --> 00:20:51.160
And then she reminded me
that her mother had died three hours

00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:56.280
after my brother David was born.
I didn't get to go to the funeral, she said,

00:20:56.280 --> 00:21:02.920
I couldn't sit Shiva,
I never really grieved, and you need to.

00:21:02.920 --> 00:21:06.280
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:15.760
- It was hard to accept that my mother would
never get to see me as a mother.

00:21:15.760 --> 00:21:17.880
but I had to.

00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:22.120
So I parted ways with the birth parents,

00:21:22.120 --> 00:21:25.760
hoping that if the chance ever came around
again,

00:21:25.760 --> 00:21:27.200
I'd be ready.

00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:30.680
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:21:45.400 --> 00:21:49.280
Just tell me something.

00:21:49.280 --> 00:21:53.000
How do you live without your mother?

00:21:58.280 --> 00:22:01.240
- You do.

00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:06.920
You learn to.

00:22:08.200 --> 00:22:10.920
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:22:16.600 --> 00:22:19.200
- Isn't that great?

00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:21.880
- Would you get up
and dance with me?

00:22:21.880 --> 00:22:23.040
- Maybe.

00:22:23.040 --> 00:22:27.160
You know what? I promise you,
next year, I promise I'll dance, OK?

00:22:27.160 --> 00:22:28.560
- OK.

00:22:28.560 --> 00:22:30.720
- For you.

00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:33.600
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:22:37.520 --> 00:22:39.480
- Maybe even with a baby in my arms.

00:22:39.480 --> 00:22:41.840
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:22:44.680 --> 00:22:48.960
- She was conscious till almost the very end.

00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:53.400
And then slipped into a very deep sleep.

00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:00.920
And then she let go.

00:23:05.120 --> 00:23:07.240
And we let her go.

00:23:17.320 --> 00:23:20.920
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:23:31.960 --> 00:23:35.760
- My mother's Shiva. A week
surrounded by loved ones and friends,

00:23:36.280 --> 00:23:38.080
was comforting,

00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:44.000
exhausting, and punctuated by babka.
Brought to be my almost every visitor

00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:47.760
who lovingly said, I'm so sorry
for your loss.

00:23:47.760 --> 00:23:51.880
I brought you the best babka
in New York City.

00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:55.760
Thank you, I'd say,
do you mind putting it in the kitchen?

00:23:57.720 --> 00:24:01.800
Every night that week around 4 am,
I woke up to grief,

00:24:03.200 --> 00:24:06.880
the kind that gets you out of bed
and leads you to the kitchen praying

00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:10.360
not to break into the babka,
she's not in the babka.

00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:14.400
Step away from the babka.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.480
So... could you get a long shot of this?

00:24:31.760 --> 00:24:34.760
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:24:44.120 --> 00:24:48.560
After Shiva, my brothers and I
had just a few weeks to break down

00:24:48.560 --> 00:24:51.200
my mom's three-bedroom apartment.

00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:58.360
I don't know.

00:24:59.120 --> 00:25:04.920
This is like Harry, and a Sam
and a Solomon, and my grandmother like

00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:10.120
didn't get along with their wives,
so we all lost touch.

00:25:13.520 --> 00:25:16.120
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:25:17.760 --> 00:25:19.480
Oh Mama.

00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:23.080
Oh Jesus...

00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:29.240
(DEEP SIGH)

00:25:29.240 --> 00:25:31.040
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:39.640
- The Manischevitz. God, was a good year.

00:25:39.640 --> 00:25:42.120
- Maybe it's good by now.

00:25:42.120 --> 00:25:45.680
Before you, you know what, don't,
I'll keep it.

00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:51.280
Our brother Alex, a computer engineer and
competitive sailor, came in with a mission.

00:25:51.280 --> 00:25:55.920
He had razor-sharp clarity about what we
needed to do to get out of there,

00:25:55.920 --> 00:25:58.640
and what he wanted to keep.

00:26:01.080 --> 00:26:05.320
Our brother David, a musician
and recreational therapist,

00:26:05.320 --> 00:26:07.880
only wanted a conch shell.

00:26:07.880 --> 00:26:10.480
- Would you mind if I took a, the shell?

00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:12.680
- No.
- No? OK.

00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:21.480
- As for me, I didn't know
where to start.

00:26:28.120 --> 00:26:30.720
Oh, green label means it goes home
with Judy.

00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:34.120
It's a green label.

00:26:34.120 --> 00:26:38.920
OK, and then of course,
there's this piano.

00:26:42.040 --> 00:26:45.560
(PIANO PLAYING)

00:27:18.080 --> 00:27:21.640
- Mom this is perfect clothing.
Everyone dresses like this.

00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:23.560
- OK well that's what I thought,
all right.

00:27:23.560 --> 00:27:25.680
So and I should take this dress?

00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:27.440
-Yes, Saturday night.

00:27:27.440 --> 00:27:29.200
- You sure?
- Sure.

00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:32.960
Worst case scenario,
you don't wear it, big deal.

00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:34.560
- OK.

00:27:37.280 --> 00:27:42.280
I know that she wore this to some like
weddings or bar mitzvahs,

00:27:42.960 --> 00:27:49.440
and, you know, I don't really wanna...
I'm not gonna wear this,

00:27:49.440 --> 00:27:53.240
and I don't wanna give it to anybody,
and I wanna keep it,

00:27:53.240 --> 00:27:55.720
it's so ridiculous, I never, I have no room.

00:27:56.600 --> 00:27:58.600
(LAUGHS)

00:27:59.520 --> 00:28:05.400
I don't know if I should laugh
or cry, it's like, she's not in the skirt.

00:28:09.320 --> 00:28:12.880
She also wasn't in all the other stuff
I couldn't bear to part with.

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:16.920
These were the last things
she had touched,

00:28:16.920 --> 00:28:22.280
and even though they could be filed
under icky, spooky, gross or used,

00:28:22.280 --> 00:28:27.800
they still have traces of my mom's DNA,
and it was precisely the momishness of them,

00:28:28.680 --> 00:28:32.560
that made it impossible for me
to throw them away.

00:28:32.560 --> 00:28:36.520
Kind of like her gloves,
and her shoes.

00:28:36.520 --> 00:28:39.920
The ones she loved to buy again,
and again.

00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:43.840
The ones she forgot she already had.

00:28:43.840 --> 00:28:48.600
So when I ran out of time,
and we just had to get out of the apartment,

00:28:48.600 --> 00:28:52.240
I threw the stuff I still needed
time to think about into boxes,

00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:57.040
promising myself when I get them
to my place, I would mindfully go through it all.

00:28:57.840 --> 00:29:01.480
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:19.840
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:29:24.160 --> 00:29:28.360
- So 63 boxes, one dry sink,
the love seat I grew up with,

00:29:28.360 --> 00:29:34.840
my mother's prized mahjong set,
and the piano she learned to play at 65,

00:29:34.840 --> 00:29:39.000
moved into my already cramped
Upper West Side apartment.

00:29:39.000 --> 00:29:41.080
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:29:49.560 --> 00:29:52.840
(CARS DRIVING BY)

00:30:11.400 --> 00:30:15.200
- I wasn't exactly power walking
to (SPEAKS HERBEW) every morning.

00:30:15.200 --> 00:30:19.480
Like I promised my mom.

00:30:20.080 --> 00:30:23.680
It was hard enough to get out of bed
and leave the house,

00:30:23.680 --> 00:30:29.840
much less get up the small hills
in my neighborhood.

00:30:29.840 --> 00:30:33.240
I kept thinking,
I have to call her,

00:30:33.240 --> 00:30:37.040
only to remember, she wasn't there.

00:30:47.520 --> 00:30:52.600
And then, seven months to the day
after my mother's death,

00:30:52.600 --> 00:30:57.480
on the way to the first Passover Seder
without her. A Seder I was dreading,

00:30:57.480 --> 00:31:00.840
I got a phone call.

00:31:02.160 --> 00:31:06.200
A baby will be born tomorrow
by C-section, and it's a girl,

00:31:08.320 --> 00:31:11.080
a healthy baby girl.

00:31:11.080 --> 00:31:16.600
And Judith, she's Jewish.
We think your mother sent her.

00:31:19.200 --> 00:31:25.000
Walking into the hospital 72 hours later,
I couldn't really fathom the unspeakable grief

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.240
the birth mother must have been
feeling.

00:31:29.240 --> 00:31:34.960
But somehow, she found the strength
to place her 3-day old healthy baby girl

00:31:34.960 --> 00:31:38.360
in my arms and take this picture,
which she sent me.

00:31:38.360 --> 00:31:41.920
Subject line, 'your
daughter'.

00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:52.080
And this is the first image
I took of Theo.

00:31:55.000 --> 00:32:00.160
And to be honest, despite 25 years
of fantasies of motherhood,

00:32:00.160 --> 00:32:03.360
this was really about as far
as my fantasy got.

00:32:03.360 --> 00:32:06.000
(BABY CRYING)

00:32:11.040 --> 00:32:16.160
- Your mother sent you the baby
she wanted you to have,

00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:19.240
and she sent her on Pesach.

00:32:19.240 --> 00:32:23.120
- My friends and family
came right away,

00:32:23.120 --> 00:32:27.000
each one assuring me I wasn't doing
this all on my own.

00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:29.480
- Oh look at the beautiful
long toes.

00:32:29.480 --> 00:32:34.760
- But recognizing that on some
level, I actually was a very good friend,

00:32:34.760 --> 00:32:41.600
generously said, I'm calling a 24-hour
baby nurse who specializes in newborns.

00:32:41.600 --> 00:32:45.000
Please, make some room for her.

00:32:46.280 --> 00:32:49.200
- OK, I'm scared out of my mind.

00:32:49.200 --> 00:32:50.440
- Can I show you first?

00:32:50.440 --> 00:32:51.880
- Please.

00:32:54.560 --> 00:32:57.680
- Your first shampoo.

00:32:59.360 --> 00:33:02.200
- Shouldn't we have a baby
bath tub?

00:33:02.200 --> 00:33:05.800
- No because it's not a full bath.

00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:09.840
- Oh my god I don't know
any of this.

00:33:09.840 --> 00:33:12.240
- Hi!

00:33:12.240 --> 00:33:16.120
Are you wearing elephants
'cause your last name means elephant?

00:33:16.120 --> 00:33:18.640
Hi!

00:33:25.960 --> 00:33:30.040
(KISSES)

00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:34.520
- Dad, do you think
I'll be a good mother?

00:33:34.520 --> 00:33:38.000
- I know you will.
I know you will.

00:33:38.800 --> 00:33:44.080
- Mothering, it's a nurturing
process, and I've seen you with children,

00:33:46.320 --> 00:33:50.840
and you have this quality,
so I'm not worried about that.

00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:54.840
- What are you worried about?

00:33:56.960 --> 00:34:00.720
This is supposed to be
her room.

00:34:01.520 --> 00:34:03.560
Look that was a light.

00:34:03.560 --> 00:34:07.520
Yeah, the only thing
that's really ready for her is the lamp.

00:34:07.520 --> 00:34:12.920
So this is like film stuff, business stuff,
detritus of many, many movies,

00:34:12.920 --> 00:34:16.720
current movie, then my dead mother's
stuff.

00:34:16.720 --> 00:34:20.600
A lot of it is in the living room, thinking if it
stayed in the living room

00:34:20.600 --> 00:34:23.520
and I saw it, I would deal with it.

00:34:23.520 --> 00:34:26.040
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:34:26.040 --> 00:34:31.600
I really just wanted to be
with Theo in my bedroom.

00:34:31.600 --> 00:34:36.960
Instead of taking care
of the air purifier in the living room.

00:34:36.960 --> 00:34:39.560
Aren't I supposed to be
bonding?

00:34:39.560 --> 00:34:42.960
- Yes, but you are setting up an
environment in which

00:34:42.960 --> 00:34:45.120
you will be bonding for many
years to come.

00:34:45.120 --> 00:34:49.760
- That's a good way to think
about it, yeah.

00:34:49.760 --> 00:34:51.760
- What you need here, Jude is...

00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:52.800
- The serenity.

00:34:52.800 --> 00:34:55.000
- The serenity, right.
That's a really good way to put it.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:57.760
You have friends who are gonna
offer to help and do things,

00:34:57.760 --> 00:35:00.280
and you're gonna be really honest,
you're gonna say,

00:35:00.280 --> 00:35:01.760
so what I'm gonna ask of you,

00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:03.120
you know, may not be what
you are thinking,

00:35:03.120 --> 00:35:04.560
but this is what I like...

00:35:04.560 --> 00:35:05.600
SPEAKER: What can we bring?

00:35:05.600 --> 00:35:09.200
SPEAKER: This is what I need, yeah you say
what I need is to not having anything

00:35:09.200 --> 00:35:11.760
brought in my house,
I need things taken out of my house, right?

00:35:11.760 --> 00:35:15.360
So I'm gonna get a, I'm gonna rent
a storage space

00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:20.800
and I need everybody to come and help take
things to the storage space. ASAP.

00:35:20.800 --> 00:35:26.120
- Thinking about the hospital,
right, and then this environment, you know,

00:35:26.120 --> 00:35:27.400
it's a spectrum.

00:35:27.400 --> 00:35:30.120
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:35:33.640 --> 00:35:36.720
- And where would the
Judaica could go?

00:35:36.720 --> 00:35:40.800
- Oh my god. It's just a good
question.

00:35:40.800 --> 00:35:42.720
Where will the Judaica go?

00:35:42.720 --> 00:35:45.880
It's the age-old Jewish,
it's the age-old Jewish question.

00:35:45.880 --> 00:35:48.280
Where will the Judaica go?

00:35:48.280 --> 00:35:53.240
Once we left the desert, we were like,
shit, now we need to find places for our stuff.

00:35:53.240 --> 00:35:55.800
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:36:00.240 --> 00:36:05.600
Oh this was like my mother's
entire library of low-fat cooking.

00:36:05.600 --> 00:36:10.400
Oh god, that was my dad's,
that's his straight edge.

00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:11.640
- Wow.

00:36:11.640 --> 00:36:13.160
- I don't think we have to spend our time
on that.

00:36:13.160 --> 00:36:19.120
SPEAKER: Wouldn't it just be easier,
honestly just to like, keep it all in this thing,

00:36:19.120 --> 00:36:21.800
and then this was grandma's sewing kit.

00:36:21.800 --> 00:36:24.920
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:36:24.920 --> 00:36:26.960
Well I can't throw out her teeth.

00:36:26.960 --> 00:36:28.000
- What if, really?

00:36:28.000 --> 00:36:29.680
- Really.
- OK.

00:36:29.680 --> 00:36:33.240
- Please do not live among a bunch
of dead people artifacts, Judith.

00:36:33.240 --> 00:36:34.440
- OK.

00:36:34.440 --> 00:36:37.160
- This is not an archeological
dig, it's your life.

00:36:37.160 --> 00:36:41.800
- Knowing my resistance, a friend
sent over a compassionate soul,

00:36:41.800 --> 00:36:45.280
who after the death of a very famous
civil rights singer, was entrusted

00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:50.440
with organizing the stuff of her estate.
Enter, Denise.

00:36:50.440 --> 00:36:55.240
- Now my mother's stuff
isn't exactly Odetta's stuff.

00:36:55.240 --> 00:36:58.880
- Oh my god, did she have
a giveaway box.

00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:03.080
- I should have a giveaway
box.

00:37:03.080 --> 00:37:06.040
OK.

00:37:06.040 --> 00:37:11.520
Look, look at the button
my mother had. (LAUGHS)

00:37:15.920 --> 00:37:18.960
As soon as my parents
started downsizing,

00:37:18.960 --> 00:37:24.000
my mom started warning me,
do yourself a favor,

00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:27.120
please don't get too attached to stuff.

00:37:27.120 --> 00:37:28.560
It accumulates.

00:37:28.560 --> 00:37:34.400
One drawer empty.

00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:37.920
So while they were busy
packing, sorting, and purging,

00:37:37.920 --> 00:37:42.440
I was busy filming everything
that could not get packed

00:37:42.440 --> 00:37:44.680
before it was gone.

00:37:44.680 --> 00:37:48.040
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:37:58.120 --> 00:38:01.360
Whoa!

00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:03.800
How's this feel, Ma?

00:38:03.800 --> 00:38:07.960
- It's a piece of tin and wood,
that's all it is,

00:38:07.960 --> 00:38:10.200
it doesn't mean a thing to me.

00:38:10.200 --> 00:38:14.040
What? I have sentimental attachments
to a hunk of junk?

00:38:14.040 --> 00:38:15.880
It's junk!

00:38:20.880 --> 00:38:26.480
- Can I have a little piece
of that for familia, like memory?

00:38:26.480 --> 00:38:28.720
(SPEAKS SPANISH) memory?

00:38:28.720 --> 00:38:31.800
- Memory, memoria.
- Memoria, right, right.

00:38:34.520 --> 00:38:36.720
Gracias.

00:38:41.640 --> 00:38:43.840
You feeling sad yet?

00:38:43.840 --> 00:38:47.520
- It's not totally like oh the house,
you know, there's a lot of heavy things, too.

00:38:47.520 --> 00:38:51.720
You know, so it's not simple.

00:38:51.720 --> 00:38:56.680
It's just not like oh the big great beautiful
house,

00:38:58.800 --> 00:39:01.400
you know I mean.

00:39:03.240 --> 00:39:07.240
Personal feelings.

00:39:07.240 --> 00:39:11.040
- Like you said I have
some weird attachments.

00:39:11.040 --> 00:39:14.520
So I'm attached to the sound
of the front door opening

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:17.960
when you or daddy would come home
at the end of the day.

00:39:17.960 --> 00:39:21.040
So do you think you could do that?

00:39:21.040 --> 00:39:25.000
- Open the door?
- You just put your coat on and stuff,

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:28.640
you don't have to say anything,
it's just that sound.

00:39:28.640 --> 00:39:31.080
Come on, would you?

00:39:37.880 --> 00:39:39.640
- I'm home.

00:39:42.800 --> 00:39:44.120
Is that OK?

00:39:44.120 --> 00:39:46.560
(LAUGHS)

00:39:46.560 --> 00:39:48.600
- Mom, wait,
don't get comfortable.

00:39:48.600 --> 00:39:50.000
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:39:52.800 --> 00:39:57.320
- I finally started to take my mom's advice, and
donated some of her stuff,

00:39:57.320 --> 00:40:00.320
mostly her clothing.

00:40:00.320 --> 00:40:03.720
I brought my work stuff
to a storage unit in Brooklyn,

00:40:03.720 --> 00:40:06.760
which I'd had for years.

00:40:08.440 --> 00:40:10.680
It's like air rights in Manhattan.

00:40:10.680 --> 00:40:13.320
There's a lot of real estate up here.

00:40:13.320 --> 00:40:15.640
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:40:19.600 --> 00:40:21.400
Look, this is gonna
be your room.

00:40:21.400 --> 00:40:26.120
- Yeah.
- This is gonna be your room. See, see?

00:40:26.120 --> 00:40:27.720
- Wow! Very good.
It's pretty nice.

00:40:27.720 --> 00:40:30.640
See what mommy's
doing for you.

00:40:30.640 --> 00:40:33.040
- Look, that is your closet.

00:40:33.040 --> 00:40:35.920
That's your clothing, OK.
That's your future crib.

00:40:42.160 --> 00:40:45.320
- I am Judge Davis, and we're finally here

00:40:45.320 --> 00:40:49.360
on this very special day.
OK, we'll proceed.

00:40:49.360 --> 00:40:53.680
- For the record,
you may wish Sabrina shall be known as.

00:40:53.680 --> 00:40:59.160
- Theodora Faga Pesach
Sabrina Helfand.

00:40:59.160 --> 00:41:05.320
Just so you know, Theodora is from my dad,
his name was Theodore,

00:41:05.320 --> 00:41:08.000
and Faga is from my mother,
her name was Florence.

00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:12.520
These were my mom's scarves
from like, forty years.

00:41:12.520 --> 00:41:16.040
We wrapped her in this
for her baby naming.

00:41:16.040 --> 00:41:20.800
We're keeping Sabrina because
that's what her really, extraordinarily

00:41:20.800 --> 00:41:25.720
wonderful birth mother
wanted to name her.

00:41:25.720 --> 00:41:29.080
And today's the one year anniversary of,
just so you know,

00:41:29.080 --> 00:41:33.400
my mother, today was the last day
that she was conscious,

00:41:33.400 --> 00:41:36.320
so I know that she made this happen.

00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:38.600
- Absolutely. I lost my mother too. The little
things that they still,

00:41:38.600 --> 00:41:41.960
just letting us know, I'm still here,
I'm still watching you,

00:41:41.960 --> 00:41:45.000
and I'm still present.

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:48.320
All the documents have been fully
executed, by the power vested in me

00:41:48.320 --> 00:41:52.040
in the state of New York,
the adoption is completed, congratulations.

00:41:52.040 --> 00:41:54.560
(CROWD APPLAUDS)

00:41:57.880 --> 00:42:02.960
- (SINGING IN HEBREW)

00:42:02.960 --> 00:42:05.120
- (LAUGHS)

00:42:06.720 --> 00:42:08.480
Thank you.

00:42:09.640 --> 00:42:11.880
- Absolutely.

00:42:16.200 --> 00:42:21.080
- It was official, and I was
officially a new-old mom.

00:42:22.680 --> 00:42:25.960
Who was a half century
older than my kid.

00:42:25.960 --> 00:42:28.640
Posing under that sign
in the Judge's chambers,

00:42:28.640 --> 00:42:33.120
all I could think was,
oh my god, they trust me?

00:42:33.120 --> 00:42:35.520
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:42:42.960 --> 00:42:46.520
And that's when all the fears
and doubts I've been keeping

00:42:46.520 --> 00:42:49.280
became unavoidably present.

00:42:50.680 --> 00:42:54.800
As I listen to her breathe,
I wondered, how old would she be,

00:42:54.800 --> 00:42:59.640
when she'd be listening
for my breath?

00:42:59.640 --> 00:43:04.360
I started doing the math.
When she's 20, I'll be 70.

00:43:04.360 --> 00:43:09.040
When she's 30, God willing,
I'll be 80.

00:43:09.040 --> 00:43:12.800
And when she's 40,
I'll be 90.

00:43:12.800 --> 00:43:14.880
How do I get to 90?

00:43:17.120 --> 00:43:20.720
How long could I literally
be present with her?

00:43:47.960 --> 00:43:50.040
(WHISPERS) Happy birthday!

00:43:50.040 --> 00:43:53.520
Happy birthday!
You're 1!

00:43:53.520 --> 00:43:55.920
Hi!

00:43:55.920 --> 00:43:59.600
Hi!

00:43:59.600 --> 00:44:02.280
(PLAYING PIANO)

00:44:04.600 --> 00:44:09.840
Just as I was getting
used to having a newborn, she was growing.

00:44:09.840 --> 00:44:12.840
OK.

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:17.840
She started to mimic
my heavy breathing.

00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:20.760
And learned one of her
very first words.

00:44:22.520 --> 00:44:25.080
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:44:27.080 --> 00:44:31.520
- It was getting difficult to pick her up and
carry her up and down places

00:44:31.520 --> 00:44:32.960
that had steps.

00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:34.520
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:44:44.320 --> 00:44:45.400
- Hi!

00:44:45.400 --> 00:44:47.480
Hello. Did you go?

00:44:47.480 --> 00:44:51.560
- Not yet. Waiting for you guys.

00:44:51.560 --> 00:44:55.160
- So as I watched my young,
svelte, fit, blonde friend

00:44:55.160 --> 00:44:59.280
carry Theo effortlessly up the
steep brownstone steps,

00:44:59.280 --> 00:45:02.840
I could hear my mother's voice.

00:45:02.840 --> 00:45:05.280
- Are you going to your gym at all?

00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:06.760
- Not enough.

00:45:07.960 --> 00:45:09.800
- Why not?

00:45:11.520 --> 00:45:13.600
- Maybe someday I'll get it together, Ma.

00:45:14.200 --> 00:45:15.920
- Is it you don't have time?

00:45:16.560 --> 00:45:18.280
- I could make time.

00:45:18.280 --> 00:45:19.560
- Oh OK.

00:45:19.560 --> 00:45:22.840
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:45:22.840 --> 00:45:26.680
- It's not that all these years
my mom wanted me to be skinny.

00:45:26.680 --> 00:45:32.760
- For my main, I'm gonna try that
(UNKNOWN) with onions, burn the onions,

00:45:32.760 --> 00:45:37.400
corned beef hash and eggs, then French fries,
and I want rye toast.

00:45:37.400 --> 00:45:43.120
- The small Greek salad. Your arteries are
getting clogged.

00:45:43.120 --> 00:45:45.560
- You like stuffed or broiled?

00:45:45.560 --> 00:45:47.000
- Broiled.
- OK.

00:45:47.000 --> 00:45:48.480
- What do you stuff it with?

00:45:48.480 --> 00:45:51.200
No stuffing, no stuffing.

00:45:51.200 --> 00:45:55.040
The truth was, we were always
talking about my health.

00:45:55.040 --> 00:46:00.080
I've healed, to the point where
I pretty much feel like I did before.

00:46:00.080 --> 00:46:05.080
I mean, in order to have comfortable sex,
I have to use a lubricant, I just can't...

00:46:05.080 --> 00:46:06.400
- So? There's nothing wrong
with that.

00:46:06.400 --> 00:46:07.520
- ...do it otherwise.

00:46:07.520 --> 00:46:10.840
- I have to use it, too.
That's because of menopause.

00:46:12.080 --> 00:46:14.120
- What kind do you use?

00:46:15.040 --> 00:46:17.400
- I have a couple of
different things.

00:46:17.400 --> 00:46:19.160
- I have a good one.

00:46:19.160 --> 00:46:20.880
- Yeah? What's it called? I heard
you mention it.

00:46:20.880 --> 00:46:22.360
- Foreplay.

00:46:22.360 --> 00:46:23.760
- Where did you get it?

00:46:23.760 --> 00:46:26.120
- At a place called
Condom Nation.

00:46:26.120 --> 00:46:28.560
- (LAUGHS)

00:46:28.560 --> 00:46:34.040
- Every once in a while,
my health oddly brought us together.

00:46:34.040 --> 00:46:39.880
But most of the time, my mom was just
worried, about my getting a recurrence.

00:46:39.880 --> 00:46:43.760
- Your run yourself ragged.

00:46:43.760 --> 00:46:49.240
I don't think you're really taking
care of yourself.

00:46:49.240 --> 00:46:53.320
- All right so this is the AC adapter. That's for
the light.

00:46:53.320 --> 00:46:56.920
And she was right.
I was living and working

00:46:56.920 --> 00:47:00.080
as if I was going to die young,
but then I didn't.

00:47:08.880 --> 00:47:12.400
You know, like my long
term goal is I should be able to sit

00:47:12.400 --> 00:47:17.680
on one of these chairs
with Theo, and be able to get up.

00:47:17.680 --> 00:47:19.600
It's really hard.

00:47:19.600 --> 00:47:22.280
- You know it's possible, right?

00:47:22.280 --> 00:47:24.920
Claim it. Envision it.

00:47:24.920 --> 00:47:27.480
- That's the thing, I'm not 100%.

00:47:27.480 --> 00:47:29.680
I have let myself down
so many times.

00:47:29.680 --> 00:47:31.560
I don't know.

00:47:31.560 --> 00:47:33.360
- So you need accountability.

00:47:33.360 --> 00:47:36.040
- I mean, can I do this?

00:47:36.040 --> 00:47:38.280
I have to.

00:47:38.280 --> 00:47:39.320
- There you go.

00:47:39.320 --> 00:47:44.160
- So it doesn't, but I don't
really believe I can, but I have to.

00:47:44.160 --> 00:47:46.360
- Let's give it a shot.

00:47:46.360 --> 00:47:48.440
- I'm not gonna be able
to get up.

00:47:48.440 --> 00:47:53.600
- This is here, I'm here,
so let's just see.

00:47:53.600 --> 00:47:55.120
- I can't do it.

00:47:55.120 --> 00:47:56.280
- Yes you can.

00:47:56.280 --> 00:47:58.000
Ready, ready?

00:47:58.000 --> 00:48:00.440
I'll assist you, OK?

00:48:00.440 --> 00:48:01.440
- All right.

00:48:01.440 --> 00:48:04.280
- This is your 'before'.

00:48:04.280 --> 00:48:07.640
And even if it's a struggle right now
to get up, it doesn't matter,

00:48:07.640 --> 00:48:09.160
because we're working
on getting better.

00:48:09.160 --> 00:48:11.960
The desire that you wanna get better,
is exciting.

00:48:11.960 --> 00:48:16.080
You're gonna use every strength that you
have, everything, everything, everything,

00:48:16.080 --> 00:48:22.480
everything, everything,
up, up, up, up, up, up, up!

00:48:22.480 --> 00:48:25.160
Celebrate that.

00:48:25.160 --> 00:48:28.800
(LAUGHS)

00:48:28.800 --> 00:48:30.440
(BABY CRIES)

00:48:30.440 --> 00:48:32.720
- Do you want another one?

00:48:32.720 --> 00:48:34.480
(BABY CRIES)

00:48:34.480 --> 00:48:36.360
Cracker?

00:48:36.360 --> 00:48:39.400
No, no, no crackers.

00:48:46.440 --> 00:48:49.200
OK.

00:48:49.200 --> 00:48:51.760
OK, good job!

00:48:51.760 --> 00:48:53.200
(BABY TALK)

00:48:53.200 --> 00:48:54.720
- No more crackers, Theo.

00:48:54.720 --> 00:48:56.400
(BABY TALK)

00:48:56.400 --> 00:48:58.080
- You're not hungry.

00:48:58.080 --> 00:48:59.720
(BABY TALK)

00:48:59.720 --> 00:49:01.200
- Have a little more milk now.

00:49:01.200 --> 00:49:02.880
(BABY TALK)

00:49:02.880 --> 00:49:05.640
- You really want a cracker?

00:49:08.000 --> 00:49:12.440
OK take this one, good idea.

00:49:14.680 --> 00:49:18.120
Too much? You don't like it?

00:49:18.120 --> 00:49:20.280
(BABY TALK)

00:49:24.320 --> 00:49:25.520
- You know what.

00:49:25.520 --> 00:49:28.120
(BABY TALK)

00:49:28.120 --> 00:49:32.280
- Hurry? You're not serious.

00:49:32.280 --> 00:49:34.920
She was completely serious.

00:49:34.920 --> 00:49:41.040
She's a baby, they get hungry, especially if
they are up in the middle of the night.

00:49:41.040 --> 00:49:43.800
A love-hate relationship with late-night
comfort food

00:49:43.800 --> 00:49:46.960
was her Mama's problem.

00:49:46.960 --> 00:49:49.520
SPEAKER: So much of it is really like, not
mental-mental,

00:49:49.520 --> 00:49:53.240
but so much of it is in the mind, besides the
body.

00:49:53.240 --> 00:49:56.200
- I mean, I tried a number
of different things.

00:49:56.200 --> 00:49:58.960
It's just like right now I'm like
running out of time,

00:49:58.960 --> 00:50:04.080
like I'm gonna be 52,
Theo's gonna be 2.

00:50:04.080 --> 00:50:09.240
I can keep trying,
like I need to drop a bunch of weight

00:50:09.240 --> 00:50:12.320
and get to this other side.

00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:15.040
- Yeah, I hear you on that.
Makes a lot of sense.

00:50:30.120 --> 00:50:32.560
- You don't think of this
as like giving up?

00:50:32.560 --> 00:50:33.560
- Giving up on what?

00:50:33.560 --> 00:50:34.880
- This surgery.

00:50:34.880 --> 00:50:37.960
- Giving up on what?
What do you mean giving up?

00:50:37.960 --> 00:50:40.720
- Giving up like OK,
I can't do this anymore.

00:50:40.720 --> 00:50:42.640
- Diet, you mean?
- Yeah, yeah.

00:50:42.640 --> 00:50:46.320
- No that's not true.
You wanna achieve something.

00:50:46.320 --> 00:50:50.240
No that's not giving up.

00:50:50.240 --> 00:50:53.800
- Hi, Judith! We haven't met earlier, so how
are you, Dr Kurian.

00:50:53.800 --> 00:50:58.040
- Hi! So at this weight, I can't live
to be 90 or 95, right?

00:50:58.040 --> 00:51:03.160
- No. Well this weight, even if the
average is 81, 82, I would expect it to be

00:51:03.160 --> 00:51:05.520
75 or less.

00:51:05.520 --> 00:51:08.000
- OK, so Theo will be 25.

00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:09.280
- Yeah.

00:51:09.280 --> 00:51:10.880
- That's young.
- That is young.

00:51:10.880 --> 00:51:13.400
- So this is kind of cropped up
over many, many years.

00:51:13.400 --> 00:51:20.200
But I'm thinking, I mean, I probably gained
80 pounds since my surgery. Slowly.

00:51:21.440 --> 00:51:23.600
More.

00:51:25.840 --> 00:51:31.160
So it's embarrassing because it's like
I belong to a gym, I pay a monthly fee,

00:51:31.160 --> 00:51:34.800
I've gone to Overeater's Anonymous,
I've tried all sorts of stuff,

00:51:34.800 --> 00:51:37.960
I never have the discipline.
I just don't.

00:51:37.960 --> 00:51:42.440
- Many men and women
who have done everything that you said

00:51:42.440 --> 00:51:45.120
and more, or maybe a little less,
but some are on the same spot

00:51:45.120 --> 00:51:47.000
where they've not been able to lose
weight.

00:51:47.000 --> 00:51:49.000
- What does the surgery actually,
how does it work?

00:51:49.000 --> 00:51:54.160
- With a sleeve gastrectomy,
we're taking out about 70% of the stomach,

00:51:54.160 --> 00:51:57.400
and removing it, it's an irreversible procedure.

00:51:57.400 --> 00:51:59.120
You're already making faces.

00:51:59.120 --> 00:52:00.320
- It sounds risky.

00:52:00.320 --> 00:52:03.480
- Well 'cause I said irreversible.

00:52:05.560 --> 00:52:08.120
- Do you think this is insane?

00:52:08.120 --> 00:52:11.280
- It's the irreversibility of it
that's scary.

00:52:11.280 --> 00:52:12.360
- Judy?

00:52:12.360 --> 00:52:15.760
- I also think it's really scary,
but I also think nothing else has worked.

00:52:19.240 --> 00:52:23.600
- To expedite your call,
please have your insurance card available.

00:52:23.600 --> 00:52:26.840
- The surgery was scary,
but I had to do it.

00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:34.400
I also knew that it was time to face something
that was probably even scarier.

00:52:34.400 --> 00:52:39.520
Whatever it was that got me here,
both with the weight, and the stuff.

00:52:40.920 --> 00:52:44.440
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:52:44.440 --> 00:52:47.480
But lucky for me,
I had other stuff to deal with first.

00:52:47.480 --> 00:52:50.800
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:52:50.800 --> 00:52:54.800
Because in order for the
insurance to even approve the surgery,

00:52:54.800 --> 00:52:59.120
I would immediately have to start
a six-month regimented weight loss diet

00:52:59.120 --> 00:53:00.600
and therapy program.

00:53:00.600 --> 00:53:03.120
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:53:04.920 --> 00:53:08.840
It's OK, it's OK,
don't touch it, don't.

00:53:08.840 --> 00:53:11.000
- I am brave now, I am brave now.

00:53:11.000 --> 00:53:13.400
- I am blessed with all I need.

00:53:13.400 --> 00:53:15.320
- I am blessed with all I need.

00:53:15.320 --> 00:53:16.720
- Come on! I am blessed with all I need!

00:53:16.720 --> 00:53:18.520
- This freaks me out.

00:53:18.520 --> 00:53:20.040
- Come on!

00:53:20.040 --> 00:53:22.040
- Can I just say it internally?

00:53:22.040 --> 00:53:25.160
- One more, one more,
just get out of your comfort zone.

00:53:25.160 --> 00:53:29.080
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:53:29.080 --> 00:53:32.080
- Don't say oh I have to give it up,
I can't do it.

00:53:32.080 --> 00:53:36.920
Just pick it up again,
just start all over again.

00:53:36.920 --> 00:53:41.440
- OK, that's zero.
Does that look like ounces to you?

00:53:41.440 --> 00:53:44.000
- Ounces.

00:53:44.000 --> 00:53:48.000
- It isn't a quick fix, and to me,
the critical moment psychologically

00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:50.720
is about 10 months to a year down the line.

00:53:50.720 --> 00:53:54.160
You have to struggle with exactly the same
issue.

00:53:56.440 --> 00:53:58.960
- Next step I really have to master.

00:53:58.960 --> 00:54:00.840
- So now?

00:54:00.840 --> 00:54:02.480
- Discipline.

00:54:02.480 --> 00:54:06.560
- And then this carried now?
Hold Mama's hand?

00:54:07.960 --> 00:54:09.840
- I definitely can't run.

00:54:09.840 --> 00:54:12.240
It's not gonna happen.

00:54:14.520 --> 00:54:16.880
- Yeah!

00:54:18.360 --> 00:54:20.800
- You're gonna swim?

00:54:20.800 --> 00:54:23.920
Theo, you have to go to bed,
come on.

00:54:23.920 --> 00:54:26.520
(BABY TALK)

00:54:26.520 --> 00:54:29.400
- Oh that's your camera?
OK cool.

00:54:29.400 --> 00:54:33.320
Denise, who had come to help me
with a few boxes of my dead mother's stuff

00:54:33.320 --> 00:54:38.240
had wound up staying around,
and had become Theo's favorite babysitter.

00:54:38.240 --> 00:54:39.280
- OK done. Bed.

00:54:39.280 --> 00:54:43.040
- And the closest thing to a Mama-mentor,
for me.

00:54:43.040 --> 00:54:45.600
- Bye!

00:54:45.600 --> 00:54:47.720
(BABY CRIES)

00:55:07.480 --> 00:55:10.880
- OK! OK, OK,
I'm here.

00:55:10.880 --> 00:55:13.000
Lie down.

00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:15.880
- She's not strong enough.

00:55:15.880 --> 00:55:20.640
You get a cry and then she's
gonna stop.

00:55:20.640 --> 00:55:21.680
Yeah.

00:55:21.680 --> 00:55:24.040
You know when I'm putting her to sleep,
I just talk to her,

00:55:24.040 --> 00:55:27.280
OK you have to go to sleep
because there's school tomorrow,

00:55:27.280 --> 00:55:33.200
so give me a kiss, love you,
bye-bye, and that's it, she's asleep.

00:55:38.720 --> 00:55:42.040
- What's happening?

00:55:42.040 --> 00:55:46.240
- You see? (LAUGHS)

00:55:46.240 --> 00:55:49.680
- She wants some milk.

00:55:49.680 --> 00:55:52.840
- Theo what are you doing?
You're not trying to sleep?

00:55:53.720 --> 00:55:56.040
- You moved things around.

00:55:56.040 --> 00:55:57.920
- Yeah we moved the piano there.

00:55:57.920 --> 00:55:59.360
- Wow! Good!

00:55:59.360 --> 00:56:00.640
- Isn't that better?

00:56:00.640 --> 00:56:01.880
- Yeah.

00:56:01.880 --> 00:56:05.960
- So now though, now I could see
all the stuff I have to give away or go through.

00:56:05.960 --> 00:56:10.640
So I'm going through the last of my mother's,

00:56:10.640 --> 00:56:13.320
well the last of my mother's stuff
that's in my house.

00:56:13.320 --> 00:56:16.280
- Yeah.

00:56:16.280 --> 00:56:21.320
- To try to... so I'm having surgery
April 3rd.

00:56:21.320 --> 00:56:23.800
- Paul said, but he didn't say why.

00:56:23.800 --> 00:56:25.760
What's?

00:56:25.760 --> 00:56:28.640
- It's bariatric surgery.
It's called a gastric sleeve.

00:56:28.640 --> 00:56:29.760
- No! Are you really?

00:56:29.760 --> 00:56:31.360
- I'm just trying to like get..

00:56:31.360 --> 00:56:32.600
- You have to get everything
together?

00:56:32.600 --> 00:56:35.760
- Well you know what,
it's like they all go hand-in-hand,

00:56:35.760 --> 00:56:41.440
like if I could get rid of stuff and make the
place really sane, before I go.

00:56:41.440 --> 00:56:42.520
- Yeah.

00:56:42.520 --> 00:56:45.920
- Which unfortunately is now
down to two weeks.

00:56:45.920 --> 00:56:48.440
So I have no time.

00:56:51.120 --> 00:56:54.920
I think these were my mom's
sunglasses.

00:56:58.200 --> 00:57:01.800
Oh Denise, those are yours.

00:57:01.800 --> 00:57:05.040
- They look good?
- They look great.

00:57:05.040 --> 00:57:08.080
I am filled with unfinished projects,
and now I'm holding on

00:57:08.080 --> 00:57:12.480
to my mother's unfinished projects.

00:57:14.040 --> 00:57:17.400
Do you think this would be a real
drag to see on someone's wall?

00:57:17.400 --> 00:57:19.480
An unfinished clock?

00:57:19.480 --> 00:57:22.000
- Yeah.

00:57:23.600 --> 00:57:25.320
- You're obsessive. (LAUGHS)

00:57:25.320 --> 00:57:26.600
- I know.

00:57:26.600 --> 00:57:29.800
- You're obsessing with this, and I just
can't handle it.

00:57:29.800 --> 00:57:33.680
And I think you're reacting to this
like it's a loss in your life.

00:57:33.680 --> 00:57:36.320
You're gonna lose a lot of other
precious things in your life

00:57:36.320 --> 00:57:40.240
as time goes on.

00:57:40.240 --> 00:57:45.360
- I had never needed the Jewish
holiday of Purim, more than I did that year,

00:57:45.360 --> 00:57:49.520
where we try on costumes
and personas that help us take on our foes,

00:57:49.520 --> 00:57:51.440
and face our greatest fears.

00:57:51.440 --> 00:57:53.080
- Do I look like a runner now?

00:57:53.080 --> 00:57:54.800
- Yes you look like a runner.
Yes!

00:57:54.800 --> 00:57:58.480
- OK Momma is running
in the 2017. Here we go.

00:57:58.480 --> 00:58:01.720
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

00:58:02.840 --> 00:58:06.480
- OK stay here.
Do not leave the hall, OK?

00:58:06.480 --> 00:58:10.280
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

00:58:12.480 --> 00:58:15.760
(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

00:58:23.080 --> 00:58:26.480
(PEOPLE SINGING IN HEBREW)

00:58:34.600 --> 00:58:37.080
(TRADITIONAL JEWISH MUSIC)

00:58:37.080 --> 00:58:38.720
JUDITH: As I struggled to get
up I thought,

00:58:39.240 --> 00:58:41.840
what if we hadn't been in synagogue?

00:58:41.840 --> 00:58:43.920
What if we were
near a busy street?

00:58:44.680 --> 00:58:47.160
What if we'd been
almost anywhere else?

00:58:47.160 --> 00:58:50.080
(TRADITIONAL JEWISH MUSIC)

00:59:06.120 --> 00:59:09.600
- I gotcha. Up!

00:59:10.720 --> 00:59:13.360
But for a moment, while
walking up our favorite steps

00:59:13.360 --> 00:59:19.840
in Riverside Park, I tried to stop
worrying about weight and stuff.

00:59:19.840 --> 00:59:23.000
And how many years we would or
wouldn't get to have together.

00:59:24.800 --> 00:59:27.080
And I was just
present for her.

00:59:29.560 --> 00:59:31.840
Lights, do you see the lights?

00:59:35.320 --> 00:59:36.960
- You're gonna be fine.

00:59:39.400 --> 00:59:42.720
You have a new, renewed life.

00:59:47.600 --> 00:59:49.960
In 25 and 30 years you'll
say to yourself

00:59:50.600 --> 00:59:53.600
gee whiz, I can't believe what happened
to me when I was 25.

00:59:53.600 --> 00:59:55.120
Look at me now.

00:59:56.480 --> 00:59:58.000
You can have a very fruitful life.

00:59:59.080 --> 01:00:02.280
I just know it.

01:00:02.280 --> 01:00:06.560
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

01:00:30.640 --> 01:00:32.680
- Mama.

01:00:52.360 --> 01:00:56.560
- 27 years later, this is
like a personal rebirth.

01:00:57.760 --> 01:01:00.040
I mean, beyond getting healthy,

01:01:00.920 --> 01:01:04.880
it's a way for me to really make peace.

01:01:08.440 --> 01:01:12.640
This is the closest thing I have
to giving birth on my own terms.

01:01:15.080 --> 01:01:18.600
I chose the doctor, I had to prepare
for nine months.

01:01:19.960 --> 01:01:21.560
You know, when you
think about it right?

01:01:23.160 --> 01:01:24.960
I'm giving birth to a mother.

01:01:29.800 --> 01:01:32.760
A healthy mother,
a healthy baby mama.

01:01:35.040 --> 01:01:38.480
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

01:02:01.960 --> 01:02:03.240
- Bye-bye sweetheart.

01:02:03.240 --> 01:02:04.720
- Thank you.
- You got it.

01:02:07.120 --> 01:02:09.920
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

01:02:16.760 --> 01:02:19.200
- Come on. Get it, Mom.
Get it. Follow me.

01:02:30.520 --> 01:02:34.320
Wow, look at all the leaves,
come on, come on, wow.

01:02:34.320 --> 01:02:36.480
Look at all these colors!

01:02:36.480 --> 01:02:38.520
- (SQUEALING)
- Come on, let's go this way.

01:02:39.880 --> 01:02:42.720
- (LAUGHING)

01:02:46.280 --> 01:02:49.200
- OK, that's enough freedom.

01:02:57.400 --> 01:03:01.920
- You look wonderful. It's a good feeling.

01:03:01.920 --> 01:03:03.240
- Are you crying?

01:03:03.240 --> 01:03:04.280
- I think it's the wind.

01:03:04.280 --> 01:03:05.920
- I don't think it's the wind.

01:03:10.400 --> 01:03:14.520
(SHOUTING)

01:03:14.520 --> 01:03:16.240
- The year after surgery was filled with

01:03:16.240 --> 01:03:19.200
new freedoms, and lots of firsts.

01:03:20.640 --> 01:03:22.440
Things I thought
we'd never get to do.

01:03:23.040 --> 01:03:27.720
Like finally letting Theo scoot to school like all
the other kids,

01:03:27.720 --> 01:03:29.520
because
I could keep up with her.

01:03:31.000 --> 01:03:32.120
- That's not a hill.

01:03:32.120 --> 01:03:33.600
- That's not a hill?

01:03:33.600 --> 01:03:36.160
No that's not a hill, it's a slope.

01:03:36.160 --> 01:03:37.400
- A slope.

01:03:42.320 --> 01:03:44.320
- Or having a tea party at
her table,

01:03:45.080 --> 01:03:47.880
knowing that I could sit down.
And get up.

01:03:47.880 --> 01:03:49.600
- L'chaim.
- L'chaim.

01:03:49.600 --> 01:03:52.440
- Cheers, I wanna do it.
- Here, you do it.

01:03:53.440 --> 01:03:56.200
- I spread it and then I have more.

01:03:57.720 --> 01:03:59.920
Amber, you have to sit down.

01:04:00.840 --> 01:04:05.720
Amber, you have to sit down first,
and eat.

01:04:15.080 --> 01:04:17.840
- Do you want Mommy in the picture?
Or do you want to do it by yourself?

01:04:22.280 --> 01:04:23.640
- By myself.

01:04:25.240 --> 01:04:26.760
- Here, you have to sit here.

01:04:26.760 --> 01:04:30.160
Mommy's gonna go, Mommy's gonna come
over here.

01:04:30.160 --> 01:04:34.560
- Smile, three, two, one.

01:04:34.560 --> 01:04:37.880
Wait, that's not a smile
that's an open mouth.

01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:41.240
- Where's my card?

01:04:41.720 --> 01:04:43.480
- Well, it takes five minutes,

01:04:43.480 --> 01:04:45.080
so we have to wait for a minute.

01:04:45.080 --> 01:04:46.800
But would you like to
draw in the meantime?

01:04:46.800 --> 01:04:48.160
- Yeah.

01:04:49.040 --> 01:04:51.360
- What's your favorite
thing to draw?

01:04:54.440 --> 01:04:55.800
- My momma.

01:04:55.800 --> 01:04:57.160
- Oh, that's good.

01:04:57.160 --> 01:04:59.080
Do you wanna show me
how you draw her?

01:04:59.080 --> 01:05:01.280
- I have to make this line.

01:05:07.800 --> 01:05:10.440
Look at me, I drawed my mommy.

01:05:13.680 --> 01:05:15.480
- Wow, a different kind of mommy?

01:05:20.320 --> 01:05:23.080
At the pool, I was a different
kind of mommy,

01:05:23.080 --> 01:05:26.000
because ironically
it was in the water

01:05:26.000 --> 01:05:28.760
that I could count on us not drowning.

01:05:45.200 --> 01:05:48.160
And my pretending it was a
Paw Patrol adventure,

01:05:48.160 --> 01:05:49.920
wasn't going to last forever.

01:05:54.320 --> 01:05:58.960
Nor would my basket system for her
ever-expanding collection of toys.

01:06:01.640 --> 01:06:06.160
Because the more Theo grew,
the more she outgrew.

01:06:06.160 --> 01:06:08.920
(TRADITIONAL JEWISH MUSIC)

01:06:13.880 --> 01:06:16.360
- And the more stuff of hers
I wanted to keep.

01:06:22.680 --> 01:06:25.880
And even though I was able to give
away some of my mom's stuff,

01:06:26.640 --> 01:06:29.000
she was still
unmistakably around.

01:06:30.600 --> 01:06:34.840
But would I ever use the pewter
or those green etched shot glasses?

01:06:35.920 --> 01:06:37.720
Her favorite pressed-glass
cereal bowls?

01:06:38.800 --> 01:06:41.600
Or my mother's-mother's meat grinder?

01:06:48.200 --> 01:06:53.440
Guess what? That's your great-grandmother's
egg cutter.

01:06:53.440 --> 01:06:56.480
- I know that,
you told me that already.

01:06:57.240 --> 01:06:58.680
- Saute the onions.

01:06:59.160 --> 01:07:01.680
- And then add the liver.

01:07:04.200 --> 01:07:05.280
- Press it down.

01:07:05.280 --> 01:07:06.600
- What are you doing?

01:07:06.600 --> 01:07:10.000
- I'm making chopped liver.

01:07:10.000 --> 01:07:11.320
- Mommy, can I do it?

01:07:11.320 --> 01:07:12.720
- OK, is it coming out?

01:07:14.040 --> 01:07:15.280
What do you think?

01:07:15.280 --> 01:07:17.480
I don't think it's working,
what do you think?

01:07:18.400 --> 01:07:20.640
Maybe my mother made it with
beef liver, and it was harder.

01:07:21.920 --> 01:07:24.880
Oh no, I wanted to use the meat grinder.

01:07:31.920 --> 01:07:34.360
I've been waiting all year for this.

01:07:34.360 --> 01:07:35.880
Wait, come here.

01:07:35.880 --> 01:07:37.560
- Do you have a
little hand chopper?

01:07:38.720 --> 01:07:41.080
- All right, plan B.

01:07:44.520 --> 01:07:48.600
For better or for worse, I had perfected
being a daughter

01:07:48.600 --> 01:07:52.240
who could come home for holidays
at the last minute...

01:07:53.680 --> 01:07:56.520
knowing there would be the parents,
the food...

01:07:59.080 --> 01:08:00.800
the ritual.

01:08:04.920 --> 01:08:07.080
Our haimish extended family.

01:08:09.760 --> 01:08:12.680
- Because on a Friday night
we start up here

01:08:12.680 --> 01:08:13.880
at the top of page nine.

01:08:14.600 --> 01:08:16.840
- It was instant holiday,
without my having

01:08:16.840 --> 01:08:18.920
to follow a single recipe.

01:08:23.760 --> 01:08:27.040
- All I had to do was show up.
Hi.

01:08:27.920 --> 01:08:28.960
- You are right on time.

01:08:28.960 --> 01:08:30.720
- And for that we're pleased.

01:08:32.800 --> 01:08:34.320
- What are you
really trying to say Dad?

01:08:35.200 --> 01:08:37.120
- Hello.

01:08:37.120 --> 01:08:39.080
- Hi.
You look beautiful.

01:08:39.760 --> 01:08:41.240
- Thank you.
And how are you?

01:08:42.800 --> 01:08:44.920
- A new house. OK.

01:08:54.880 --> 01:08:58.200
- How will I create that kind of home
for Theo?

01:09:05.680 --> 01:09:08.240
I knew I had a bit more stuff
to let go of.

01:09:13.200 --> 01:09:15.920
Well, maybe a lot.

01:09:18.720 --> 01:09:23.040
- No stuff by the living room.
I have to play here.

01:09:23.040 --> 01:09:24.640
- That's where you're gonna play instead.
- No.

01:09:24.640 --> 01:09:25.680
- I will show you.

01:09:25.680 --> 01:09:27.640
Look look look at your room.

01:09:27.640 --> 01:09:29.560
Look look look look.
Look.

01:09:31.560 --> 01:09:35.680
- Look. Like me
you have a big playroom now.

01:09:36.440 --> 01:09:39.080
Look you have a big playroom now.

01:09:39.080 --> 01:09:40.920
- But I wanted to play
in the living room.

01:09:40.920 --> 01:09:44.080
- I know but you know what?
Let me explain what's going on. OK?

01:09:44.080 --> 01:09:45.680
Can Mommy explain?

01:09:45.680 --> 01:09:47.640
All I did was move it, OK?

01:09:47.640 --> 01:09:50.120
All I did was move it.
Do you know why I moved it?

01:09:50.120 --> 01:09:52.320
- I'm getting away from here.

01:09:59.160 --> 01:10:03.560
- Theo. Let me explain.
Let me explain.

01:10:03.560 --> 01:10:05.720
Come to me and let me explain.

01:10:05.720 --> 01:10:06.920
- No!

01:10:07.560 --> 01:10:11.720
- OK. I guess you don't like change, huh?
Theo.

01:10:13.880 --> 01:10:16.680
- Don't follow me.
- Don't follow you?

01:10:22.040 --> 01:10:25.880
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

01:10:48.640 --> 01:10:50.760
- The second I walked in
I said this is home.

01:10:51.240 --> 01:10:56.000
And this is Benz's son.
This, like, a 20-year-old kid

01:10:56.000 --> 01:11:00.040
showing me around the place,
and showed me the closets and then

01:11:00.040 --> 01:11:01.320
you know, he showed me all around.

01:11:01.320 --> 01:11:03.760
And I was just so amazed at this
20-year-old boy

01:11:03.760 --> 01:11:06.840
had grown up there
and it felt so good there as a baby.

01:11:09.200 --> 01:11:11.040
Can I have the keys?

01:11:12.040 --> 01:11:15.120
(MUSIC)

01:11:22.520 --> 01:11:24.240
This is our office.

01:11:25.440 --> 01:11:28.160
The whole idea was that
moving into this house

01:11:28.160 --> 01:11:31.400
that I could put a
completely new skin on.

01:11:32.760 --> 01:11:36.360
So come on in.
Welcome to my new house.

01:11:36.360 --> 01:11:39.360
- It's a pleasure to come in.
Look at me lade-bound with

01:11:39.360 --> 01:11:41.080
all these things.

01:11:43.640 --> 01:11:47.120
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

01:11:57.720 --> 01:11:59.280
- So, what do you think?

01:12:01.640 --> 01:12:03.600
- I think it's very nice.

01:12:04.280 --> 01:12:05.720
- So mazel tov?

01:12:05.720 --> 01:12:07.000
- This should be a good beginning.

01:12:07.000 --> 01:12:08.760
- Where is the other glove?
I had a glove. What'd I do with it?

01:12:10.600 --> 01:12:15.280
- (SPEAKS HEBREW)
Here's the bread.

01:12:16.880 --> 01:12:20.120
So that you have the staples in life.
Salt, bread and sugar.

01:12:27.040 --> 01:12:30.120
- And you just press against the wall.
Not too hard.

01:12:30.120 --> 01:12:33.440
- Yeah!

01:12:34.480 --> 01:12:36.440
- Very nice.

01:12:36.440 --> 01:12:39.640
- When I first moved in,
I painted the apartment Ochre.

01:12:40.160 --> 01:12:41.840
- Mommy I think it's...
- No, no, no. Put the mask on.

01:12:47.080 --> 01:12:49.560
Years later
when I needed some inspiration,

01:12:49.560 --> 01:12:51.960
I painted the beams Coral Dust.

01:12:52.920 --> 01:12:55.720
- Hey Theo!
We're coming to the end of the wall!

01:12:55.720 --> 01:12:57.240
- Coming!

01:12:58.840 --> 01:13:00.800
- What do you think?

01:13:00.800 --> 01:13:02.480
But then there was the day that
Theo looked up

01:13:02.960 --> 01:13:06.680
and said Mama,
I want everything to be white.

01:13:17.960 --> 01:13:19.800
Wow!

01:13:24.560 --> 01:13:27.120
- I want everything to be yellow again.

01:13:28.360 --> 01:13:29.880
(LAUGHTER)

01:13:29.880 --> 01:13:34.440
- Now I do want everything to be
like it was the same again.

01:13:35.800 --> 01:13:37.000
No!

01:13:37.000 --> 01:13:38.360
- Sorry it's too late.

01:13:43.640 --> 01:13:47.520
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

01:13:56.080 --> 01:13:57.480
- I'm coming.

01:14:02.320 --> 01:14:04.880
Let's go, let's go.
We're going to be late.

01:14:04.880 --> 01:14:09.120
Come on. Let's go.
OK, OK, OK, OK.

01:14:09.120 --> 01:14:11.200
Beware of the dogs on the leashes, OK?

01:14:11.800 --> 01:14:16.040
Don't get between the dog, the leash
and the mommy walking the dog. OK?

01:14:20.880 --> 01:14:22.680
OK. Wait for me.

01:14:27.800 --> 01:14:29.840
Today is 100th day of school.

01:14:29.840 --> 01:14:32.080
- You're gonna come in with me today.

01:14:32.080 --> 01:14:35.320
- No I'm not.
The parents aren't invited.

01:14:35.320 --> 01:14:37.560
Bye. OK

01:14:41.680 --> 01:14:43.320
I brought her lunch...
- OK.

01:14:43.320 --> 01:14:45.560
- Just in... OK. Bye-bye.

01:14:57.720 --> 01:15:03.640
Transitions and goodbyes
are notoriously difficult for everybody.

01:15:08.600 --> 01:15:11.520
I guess it's a good thing
we got so much practice.

01:15:16.600 --> 01:15:18.280
- Bye.
- Call.

01:15:18.280 --> 01:15:19.640
- I will.

01:15:23.360 --> 01:15:24.760
- At least let me know where you are.

01:15:24.760 --> 01:15:25.920
- You got it mom.

01:15:25.920 --> 01:15:28.240
- When you go your way, call up and say

01:15:28.240 --> 01:15:30.240
Ma,
I will be away for a couple of days,

01:15:30.240 --> 01:15:31.760
this is where I am.

01:15:31.760 --> 01:15:33.080
I have my cellphone.

01:15:33.080 --> 01:15:35.160
You need me, call me or leave a message.
OK?

01:15:36.080 --> 01:15:38.240
Like this, you know,
days go by we don't know where you are,

01:15:38.240 --> 01:15:39.560
we start to worry.

01:15:39.560 --> 01:15:40.720
- OK.

01:15:40.720 --> 01:15:44.120
- So, that's the least you can do.
I don't expect you to call every day.

01:15:47.240 --> 01:15:49.840
That's not normal.

01:15:59.240 --> 01:16:01.000
Every other day.

01:16:01.000 --> 01:16:02.440
(LAUGHTER)

01:16:16.000 --> 01:16:20.800
(TRADITIONAL JEWISH MUSIC)