00:05.460 --> 00:10.350
There's this great pain, there's this great
fear, there's great trauma.

00:11.640 --> 00:18.559
I assumed that it was my fault, and I was far
too ashamed to even think about

00:18.559 --> 00:24.430
speaking to anyone. It's hard for society to believe
100%.

00:24.799 --> 00:26.290
There's always a little bit of doubt.

00:26.559 --> 00:30.069
What did she do?
What was she wearing, how much was she drinking?

00:31.729 --> 00:38.250
It was one more injustice, one more unfairness,
evidence that the world is a

00:38.250 --> 00:39.919
hostile place.

00:40.450 --> 00:43.009
You can't just pluck a memory and feel it.

00:43.970 --> 00:46.509
Or a memory without it affecting something else.

00:47.439 --> 00:51.560
For each survivor, that is the most
overwhelming thing you have to deal with in

00:51.560 --> 00:55.750
your life, and it feels bigger than God and
bigger than the universe itself.

00:56.240 --> 01:03.060
Some survivors call it a murder of the soul,
and this is because

01:03.060 --> 01:06.760
this person went inside their body and took out
what they wanted.

01:19.860 --> 01:22.050
My mother's name is Mary Anderson.

01:22.300 --> 01:27.830
You've probably never heard of her, but chances
are if you've ever watched the evening news or

01:27.830 --> 01:32.040
a television show like Law & Order, you're
familiar with her work.

01:32.419 --> 01:38.290
More than 30 years ago, my mom and her best
friend Susan established New York State's first

01:38.290 --> 01:41.779
rape crisis program at St.
Luke's Hospital in New York City.

01:42.809 --> 01:48.769
Back in 1977 when the program started, we were
both younger and obviously at the beginning of

01:48.769 --> 01:51.410
our careers in hospitals and healthcare.

01:52.019 --> 01:56.230
And Mary was the unit manager of the
emergency room.

01:56.400 --> 02:03.389
Susan was the psychiatric social worker and we
were idealistic and angry,

02:03.389 --> 02:09.960
determined and progressive and we had
common sense and we didn't let some of the

02:09.960 --> 02:13.630
administrative arguments that we came across
deter us.

02:14.559 --> 02:19.429
Since its inception, their pioneering program
has been at the forefront of its field,

02:19.839 --> 02:23.750
developing new and improved methods for
treating victims of rape and collecting

02:23.750 --> 02:24.960
evidence for law enforcement.

02:26.979 --> 02:30.690
They've recruited volunteers to support victims
in the emergency room.

02:31.059 --> 02:35.740
They've trained police officers and hospital
staff, and they've worked with all levels of

02:35.740 --> 02:39.580
government to help shape public policy around
victims' rights.

02:39.740 --> 02:43.820
When we helped establish this program, it
wasn't just us,

02:43.860 --> 02:47.770
it was very much a groundswell from the
bottom up,

02:47.779 --> 02:53.940
and it was a response to a sexual assault that
had a great deal of publicity on Columbia

02:53.940 --> 02:55.100
University campus.

03:01.309 --> 03:08.279
I remember us saying, well, you know what, we
didn't know how to react

03:08.279 --> 03:14.410
and how to treat and respond adequately to sexual
assault back then, and we started doing our own

03:14.410 --> 03:18.050
homework together, right?
I remember the first thing that came up when a

03:18.050 --> 03:23.690
number of Columbia and Barnard students from
the area came to the hospital to talk about

03:23.690 --> 03:26.160
this and asked, what are you doing and how are you
doing it?

03:26.729 --> 03:31.880
Nobody even knew what the incident rate
was of rape victims coming here.

03:35.080 --> 03:41.960
And I had to sit down through a year's worth of
ER sheets and count,

03:42.210 --> 03:48.449
look at every sheet and count. We had no way of
knowing what kind of volume we had. We were

03:48.449 --> 03:50.789
shocked, right?
You know, and, you know, and the other,

03:50.809 --> 03:56.729
the other part of this is, you know, we had to
do this to get these numbers to say to the

03:56.729 --> 03:59.759
directors and the nursing staff and the
physicians, like,

03:59.889 --> 04:03.289
hey, wait a minute, we're not doing something
right. This is real.

04:07.179 --> 04:10.550
I grew up with that story of how these two
young women,

04:10.720 --> 04:16.829
just shy of 30 years old, at the height of
feminism, saw a problem and set out to fix it.

04:17.998 --> 04:23.598
And today I look around and really do see the
legacy of their work and how far we've come.

04:24.470 --> 04:27.519
But I also see how far we've yet to come.

04:28.450 --> 04:31.859
Each new day more women and girls are
victimized.

04:32.649 --> 04:39.390
It is estimated that in the United States, 1 in
6 women will be sexually assaulted in her

04:39.390 --> 04:42.109
lifetime.
1 in 6.

04:43.149 --> 04:47.089
And so many of these are still afraid to speak
up and seek help.

04:47.890 --> 04:53.170
When reports of rape hit the news, we never
hear directly from the victims.

04:53.250 --> 04:59.209
They remain faceless and nameless, needing that
anonymity for protection in what remains to

04:59.209 --> 05:04.410
this day a very mistrusting, hostile culture
toward rape victims.

05:05.839 --> 05:11.720
So, in order to make further progress in this
decade, we need to retrace our steps.

05:12.540 --> 05:17.929
And do what Susan and my mom did in the 70s,
which is start again by really listening to the

05:17.929 --> 05:20.600
stories of those in our communities who've been
hurt.

05:21.209 --> 05:25.049
Maybe it's time we put some faces and names to
the statistics.

05:32.109 --> 05:34.779
My name is Sarah Jane Johnson.

05:35.029 --> 05:39.200
I am originally from a very small town outside
of Omaha,

05:39.390 --> 05:42.950
Nebraska.
Now, I live in Jackson Heights,

05:43.070 --> 05:44.420
Queens, New York.

05:44.760 --> 05:49.790
I do a couple of different things.
I, one, have to supplement my income by

05:49.790 --> 05:54.549
waitressing.
I sell a variety of cheese and wine at the

05:54.549 --> 05:55.579
restaurant I'm at now.

05:56.089 --> 06:02.970
Um, but my main passion is performing the
show that I created about

06:02.970 --> 06:05.000
my experience called Devil in a Box.

06:06.010 --> 06:08.239
So I've been debating whether to start internet
dating.

06:08.760 --> 06:11.649
A couple of friends are doing it, and even
though they haven't found the one,

06:11.970 --> 06:15.920
they're having fun doing it, and I'm really
broke and could use the free meals.

06:19.250 --> 06:23.390
Think, think though, think about how our
conversation would go.

06:23.619 --> 06:25.329
They ask all the basic questions.

06:26.089 --> 06:29.489
Where were you born?
Where did you go to school?

06:30.640 --> 06:32.079
What do you do for a living?

06:33.040 --> 06:36.769
And I don't want to just say that I'm a waitress
and that I sell really expensive cheese,

06:37.019 --> 06:41.679
so I casually mention that I do educational
work, public speaking,

06:42.140 --> 06:45.140
and they say, oh, what do you educate on?
I say,

06:45.260 --> 06:47.940
oh, you know, violence against women.

06:50.170 --> 06:53.489
And then most are not dumb enough to ask, so
how did you get into that?

07:03.019 --> 07:06.019
My name is Karen.
I live in New York City.

07:07.510 --> 07:14.230
I'm married to the best husband in the world.
He's a violinist and we're very happy

07:14.230 --> 07:17.000
together.
I've lived in a lot of different places,

07:17.109 --> 07:22.859
but this is where I always wanted to be.
So I finally decided to see if I could make it

07:22.859 --> 07:26.649
here and I've been able to make a living as a
musician, which is what I wanted to do.

07:26.940 --> 07:28.850
And so I've been pretty happy here.

07:31.519 --> 07:38.390
OK, I did the wrong track.
When I was 15, I was already

07:38.390 --> 07:42.869
very, very serious about music.
My whole life was wrapped up in it,

07:43.040 --> 07:46.750
and it was the one place in my life where I was
getting positive feedback.

07:47.540 --> 07:52.809
Because so many bad things happened to me as a
child, I'm always preparing for the worst.

07:55.790 --> 08:00.070
Sixth grade was a good grade.
I started to come into my own some more.

08:00.329 --> 08:07.329
I started to feel less, um, segregated,

08:07.480 --> 08:12.579
less different from my classmates because you
can see that I'm the only black person in this

08:12.579 --> 08:16.290
class in our grade. I think there were only two
black kids,

08:16.420 --> 08:19.450
but by sixth grade, I had started to find some of
my own voice.

08:19.500 --> 08:22.410
I started to find some things that really meant
something to me.

08:22.500 --> 08:27.730
Um, the following year, seventh grade, girls and
boys started to discover one another.

08:28.269 --> 08:32.109
And you know, all of the white boys in my class
are interested in all of the white girls.

08:32.229 --> 08:36.039
I felt very left out of that experience, and
that's part,

08:36.229 --> 08:38.760
Partly, I think I started to not feel
pretty.

08:39.869 --> 08:45.510
And then in 8th grade, I started to really delve
into my Catholicism.

08:46.159 --> 08:51.469
For most of 8th grade, I went to church every
day, six days a week.

08:51.640 --> 08:55.229
And that's because I started to have some kind
of emotional crisis.

08:58.659 --> 09:05.219
My senior year of high school, I was a virgin
and I went to

09:05.219 --> 09:08.890
visit a good friend of mine at college.

09:09.419 --> 09:15.460
We went to a party, and I ran into a guy that
I'd hooked up with the summer before and had

09:15.460 --> 09:17.489
really liked, and he was a couple of years
older.

09:18.219 --> 09:21.219
And, um, we went back to his fraternity.

09:22.070 --> 09:24.530
And, um, I was raped.

09:26.590 --> 09:33.359
I was 15 years old and living in a very,
very dysfunctional home.

09:33.969 --> 09:37.000
There was a lot of emotional abuse and physical
abuse.

09:37.700 --> 09:39.469
I was just desperate to escape.

09:42.479 --> 09:48.080
One day, after a very big fight with my parents,
I decided that I just couldn't take it anymore.

09:48.080 --> 09:49.190
And I ran away.

09:49.719 --> 09:53.479
I had nowhere to go.
It was like nine o'clock at night, and there was a

09:53.479 --> 10:00.200
man of about 40 years old, I guess, who somehow
I started talking to, and he said,

10:00.349 --> 10:02.530
Well, you can stay in my apartment tonight.

10:04.369 --> 10:07.219
He took me to his apartment, and he raped
me there.

10:10.219 --> 10:15.849
I remember trying to push him off, but just
sort of.

10:16.780 --> 10:20.289
In shock that this was happening, and I
didn't, it was just.

10:21.140 --> 10:25.570
So I mean, I had explored physically before,
but I was a virgin and I just didn't,

10:25.700 --> 10:32.250
I didn't know how this was happening and how to
get out of it, and I just remember.

10:33.400 --> 10:36.190
Staring at the moon and waiting for it to be
over.

10:47.580 --> 10:51.890
Whereas Sarah and Karen would certainly never
forget their assaults,

10:52.099 --> 10:57.289
Marcia Elizabeth actually struggled to remember
hers because she was so young at the time.

10:58.099 --> 11:00.340
But that didn't diminish its power.

11:00.909 --> 11:06.359
For most of her youth, she was haunted by
nighttime panic attacks and bad dreams.

11:06.630 --> 11:11.859
It wasn't until adulthood that specific
memories began to crystallize and resurface.

11:13.640 --> 11:18.549
Not having had any concrete memories or having
locked them away for so long,

11:18.799 --> 11:22.419
so deeply.
That the only way they could come out was

11:22.419 --> 11:23.659
through these episodes.

11:23.859 --> 11:29.770
One of the things that I had to tease out for
myself was if I incested or if my house was just

11:29.770 --> 11:34.479
haunted?
One night, I could be sleeping in bed,

11:34.619 --> 11:39.030
but I'd feel this presence walk into my room
and come and stand next to my bed and then I'd

11:39.030 --> 11:41.179
be paralyzed and I wouldn't be able to move.

11:41.909 --> 11:45.659
And then that would be it, or it would happen a
few times a night.

11:46.559 --> 11:53.049
So it took me a lot of years to figure out what
was me actually not being crazy but having

11:53.049 --> 11:54.599
these stored memories.

11:56.000 --> 12:01.090
I had a flashback of my grandfather's face
between my legs,

12:01.409 --> 12:05.559
my grandfather's head between my legs, and it
was, it really was a literal flash.

12:06.789 --> 12:13.710
But it was so vivid and it was so clear and so
visceral that I literally just pushed

12:13.710 --> 12:17.530
back away from my boyfriend.
We were being intimate at the time and I just

12:17.530 --> 12:22.369
literally pushed back from him and hadn't, I
wasn't quite sure what happened.

12:22.869 --> 12:25.020
I mean, I knew what happened.
I just didn't want to believe it.

12:25.150 --> 12:27.469
I knew exactly what had happened.
I knew exactly what I was seeing.

12:27.520 --> 12:29.340
I just didn't want to believe it at the time.

12:29.780 --> 12:32.340
The next few days.

12:33.260 --> 12:35.690
I sort of was replaying it in my mind and I was
like, well,

12:35.719 --> 12:37.010
it didn't really happen.

12:37.359 --> 12:41.950
Or maybe he just kind of put it in, and it
doesn't really count,

12:42.320 --> 12:45.070
you know, but the word rape wasn't really
attached to it.

12:46.330 --> 12:53.159
Um, but as I started to have nightmares, I
started to figure out,

12:53.239 --> 12:56.169
yeah.
The thing about that was right.

12:57.210 --> 13:00.239
So when I got home, my mother was in the
bedroom.

13:00.599 --> 13:03.919
She didn't even come out and I heard her scream
at me,

13:04.489 --> 13:11.169
um, you sold yourself for a six pack of beer
and um you just did this so that if you got

13:11.169 --> 13:13.690
pregnant by your boyfriend, we wouldn't, uh.

13:14.859 --> 13:17.140
Take him to court or you, we wouldn't blame him.

13:17.820 --> 13:20.229
And she never even came out, you know, I had
run away,

13:20.429 --> 13:24.070
didn't come back, you know, say she was glad I
was home or anything.

13:24.190 --> 13:27.140
She just never came out of her bedroom, just
screamed at me,

13:27.390 --> 13:29.020
and that was the end of it.

13:29.750 --> 13:33.630
No discussion about it ever again from either
of them.

13:34.609 --> 13:37.719
I just felt completely unloved and unwanted.

13:43.690 --> 13:50.090
What happens several days after this is that
I'm trying to integrate what happens

13:50.090 --> 13:56.770
psychologically, psychically, and there's a
surreal element to this event in my life and

13:56.770 --> 14:00.489
what I know and what I feel is that my life has
changed.

14:00.609 --> 14:03.559
I'm not the same person.
I don't feel like the same person.

14:03.770 --> 14:06.359
But I look at myself, and I am the same person.

14:06.830 --> 14:09.130
And so, my concern is, number one,

14:10.419 --> 14:11.609
what really did happen?

14:12.460 --> 14:13.859
Did this really change me?

14:14.140 --> 14:18.369
Will I be looked at differently by others?
Will I be judged differently by others?

14:18.539 --> 14:22.570
I live in a culture and a society that often
blames victims.

14:22.859 --> 14:26.250
So where does that put me?
Am I fearful of that?

14:27.190 --> 14:28.869
And who can I tell?

14:29.200 --> 14:32.200
Because I am fearful of that.
Can I get help for this?

14:32.210 --> 14:37.679
Or do I want help?
Or maybe, you know, what this feels so unreal to

14:37.679 --> 14:44.320
me that if I forget, perhaps it really didn't
happen, so let me deny this.

14:51.440 --> 14:54.039
I remember going up to a friend.

14:54.469 --> 14:57.299
We had lockers by each other, and I was like, so.

14:57.989 --> 14:59.989
If he just kind of puts it in, it doesn't really
count, right?

15:00.070 --> 15:02.539
Like I'm still a virgin.
And she was like, oh my gosh,

15:02.630 --> 15:04.679
you had sex.
And I'm like, no, I didn't.

15:04.789 --> 15:07.580
No, I mean, he just barely kind of, which
wasn't the truth.

15:07.669 --> 15:11.849
I mean, he did fully penetrate, um.

15:12.659 --> 15:16.770
But once she had that reaction, like you're not
a virgin anymore.

15:17.789 --> 15:23.320
I didn't tell anyone.
And I didn't tell anyone for a long time.

15:24.239 --> 15:28.950
Sexual assault is still one of the most
underreported violent felonies,

15:29.030 --> 15:30.799
and the reasons, I think, vary.

15:31.359 --> 15:38.000
Some survivors of sexual assault to know the
perpetrators may have many personal reasons why

15:38.000 --> 15:39.309
they would not report.

15:39.710 --> 15:46.479
Perhaps this is someone that I have known that
I also may think that people would

15:46.479 --> 15:50.109
judge me because of my complicit behavior.

15:50.599 --> 15:53.690
If I'm a teenager and I was out late.

15:54.239 --> 16:00.599
And maybe I was hanging out, I mean, I'm
avoiding my curfew or maybe I was with people

16:00.849 --> 16:04.969
that I really weren't supposed to be with and
this terrible thing happened to me,

16:05.479 --> 16:07.219
um, am I gonna tell my parents?

16:08.099 --> 16:11.809
I wish my mother had tried to comfort me.

16:12.020 --> 16:19.000
I wish she had told me it wasn't my fault and
had been there to support me and just showed

16:19.000 --> 16:22.010
a little love.
Her reaction was really hateful.

16:22.419 --> 16:28.659
Maybe just to, you know, sit down and say, oh,
that must have been so horrible or some kind of

16:28.659 --> 16:31.419
acknowledgement that it actually really
happened.

16:32.210 --> 16:35.330
And so I have put this in a certain spot.

16:35.820 --> 16:42.580
In my history and in my head and in my
psychological makeup, and I'm back at school and

16:42.580 --> 16:49.559
I'm back at work and I have to function,
but you know I just keep going on

16:49.559 --> 16:56.109
and going on until a certain point where
I may actually collapse or be exhausted

16:56.419 --> 17:02.460
or something will happen and I'll have, guess
what, a flashback. This is really based on

17:02.460 --> 17:05.140
how we react and how we respond to

17:05.599 --> 17:12.359
a very acute trauma episode that comes from the
outside world, that enters into our life and our

17:12.359 --> 17:14.229
defensive systems are shattered.

17:15.280 --> 17:17.709
This is not who I was supposed to become.

17:18.040 --> 17:24.369
I, I hate, I hate that.
I hate that he, I hate that he knows.

17:24.530 --> 17:27.400
I hate that he knows more.
I hate that he knows more about,

17:27.469 --> 17:30.599
I hate that he knows more about what, I hate
that he knows more about what happened.

17:30.689 --> 17:32.290
I hate that he knows more about what happened
too.

17:32.390 --> 17:34.280
I hate that he knows more about what happened
to mine.

17:34.569 --> 17:37.119
I hate that he knows more about what happened
to my body.

17:37.319 --> 17:40.530
I hate that he knows more about what happened
to my body than I do.

17:47.229 --> 17:48.229
I'm leaving for Alaska. One thing these
survivors taught me is that the rape,

18:01.599 --> 18:05.229
however horrible it may have been, that it was
only the beginning.

18:05.880 --> 18:09.760
The assaults set off a chain reaction of new
hardships to overcome.

18:10.619 --> 18:15.729
They all experienced some form of depression or
post-traumatic stress disorder,

18:15.939 --> 18:19.339
which in turn left them vulnerable to even
further harm.

18:21.140 --> 18:27.109
You know, I dealt with a lot of, a lot of
anxiety and a lot of

18:27.680 --> 18:29.250
depression.

18:30.380 --> 18:36.469
What I did in those first few years, and, and
still struggle to a certain extent today, is

18:37.160 --> 18:41.670
alcohol.
I used alcohol to numb, obviously, and to

18:41.760 --> 18:46.359
escape.
The trauma is severe and it just

18:47.660 --> 18:51.969
I know so many women who are like, I just, I
just want it to be over.

18:52.079 --> 18:55.060
I just don't want to think about it.
I just want it to go away.

18:55.839 --> 18:58.609
I mean, I think that's a lot of where the
drinking came from too.

18:58.619 --> 19:01.209
It was a way to self-medicate.

19:01.459 --> 19:06.939
I think I kind of became two people in a way,
the person I was behind closed doors and the

19:06.939 --> 19:10.459
person I was when I was in front of others.

19:11.290 --> 19:14.959
There were times when I would have to have 3
beers before I went to work at night.

19:15.729 --> 19:22.170
Because I was so anxious because I couldn't get
my mind to slow down cause I couldn't deal with

19:22.170 --> 19:24.489
it.
And it wasn't even like I was thinking about

19:24.489 --> 19:27.609
the rape.
It was just, everything was too heightened.

19:27.969 --> 19:29.079
Everything was too much.

19:29.369 --> 19:34.410
What you would hope would not happen is that
these symptoms,

19:34.420 --> 19:39.619
and some of them can be physical symptoms and
psychosomatic symptoms, they prolong

19:40.189 --> 19:47.030
because if they prolong without the help that
they really need, this could really impair

19:47.030 --> 19:53.959
functioning.
And my skin looks

19:53.959 --> 20:00.560
really good.
My value for myself and for my life

20:00.560 --> 20:07.510
was so empty and vacuous that I didn't even
want to take

20:07.510 --> 20:14.160
vitamins at one point.
I was, I, I have had phases of bulimia and

20:14.160 --> 20:19.310
anorexia, and when I was in severe anorexic
phases.

20:19.810 --> 20:23.790
I just, I completely rejected the idea of even
taking some vitamins.

20:23.829 --> 20:28.219
I didn't want anything.
I just didn't want anything good inside of me.

20:28.510 --> 20:33.719
I felt like human sludge.
I felt like I was on the inside just sludge and

20:33.719 --> 20:35.969
slime and filth.

20:36.349 --> 20:43.140
I chose, um, a boyfriend, uh, that was bipolar and
also very violent.

20:43.800 --> 20:49.000
And, um, at that point in my life, I began to
realize that my life was totally out of control

20:49.000 --> 20:54.680
and there was a period of over a decade where I
was really very angry and just not.

20:56.050 --> 21:00.689
In very good shape.
Not being present, not feeling alive,

21:00.930 --> 21:03.280
you know, walking down the street and just.

21:04.449 --> 21:09.770
Not seeing how beautiful that tree is or
smiling at the baby in the stroller.

21:09.810 --> 21:12.599
I mean, I lost all those little things for a
long time.

21:14.030 --> 21:19.939
So, it is serious enough and, um, and yet we also
know how to help

21:20.329 --> 21:26.020
survivors through this from the very beginning
and through the interim periods and, uh

21:27.699 --> 21:32.000
Every survivor deserves to have the help.
They should not be going through this by

21:32.000 --> 21:37.650
themselves.
Not only is it crucial for rape victims to get

21:37.650 --> 21:43.000
support for the psychological trauma, it's just
as important they seek medical care for the

21:43.000 --> 21:44.069
physical trauma.

21:44.530 --> 21:51.239
In fact, going to the hospital within the first
24 to 48 hours following an assault can also

21:51.239 --> 21:56.520
mean the successful collection of forensic
evidence for those victims who may decide later

21:56.520 --> 21:58.760
on that they wish to press charges.

22:00.319 --> 22:03.010
This is the rape kit that we use in New York
State.

22:04.449 --> 22:06.569
Step one, oral swabs.

22:06.849 --> 22:10.140
Step two is the buckle specimen for DNA.

22:10.410 --> 22:16.400
The next step is collecting trace evidence, and
usually this is collected with a, um, a cotton

22:16.400 --> 22:22.329
cloth that the patient may stand on and shake
off pubic hair combings.

22:22.910 --> 22:27.939
You have a comb and a cloth, and everything
goes back into the envelope.

22:28.189 --> 22:33.060
Pulled head hairs are for DNA, pulled pubic
hairs, debris collection,

22:33.349 --> 22:38.890
perianal and anal swabs and smears, vaginal
swabs, and cervical swabs,

22:38.969 --> 22:44.930
dried secretions for bite marks, again, very
simple, we're talking about swabs.

22:45.069 --> 22:49.660
Fingernail scrapings: they can scrape each of
their nails and participate in their

22:49.660 --> 22:52.849
own evidence collection.
Step 12, anal.

22:52.979 --> 22:54.890
Step 13, vulvar penile.

22:55.219 --> 22:59.219
We collect underwear.
This is a high-intensity halogen lamp which is

22:59.219 --> 23:06.180
used for vaginal and anal examinations.
This videocolposcope is being used to

23:06.180 --> 23:11.219
look inside of a vaginal area or a body
orifice.

23:11.380 --> 23:14.859
We have a bin of sunglasses because we see

23:15.699 --> 23:20.569
women who have been beaten in the face, claim
forms for the Crime Victims Board,

23:20.599 --> 23:25.089
traumagrams, you know, for documentation, the
sexual assault record form.

23:25.140 --> 23:29.849
We also have a much more detailed sexual
assault examiner form.

23:30.030 --> 23:32.250
So this essentially is the kit.

23:32.500 --> 23:34.540
It's long.

23:35.569 --> 23:40.000
When we first started this program in 1977,
there were no rape kits.

23:40.050 --> 23:43.819
They didn't exist, so we made our own rape
kits, remember?

23:44.130 --> 23:50.290
You know, it was totally impossible to prosecute
a rape case in the early days because the way

23:50.290 --> 23:53.920
the laws were constructed was that you
really had to have a witness,

23:54.089 --> 23:58.250
you had to have a witness, you had to have two
witnesses; in some situations, you had to have

23:58.250 --> 24:00.400
two witnesses to a rape.

24:02.359 --> 24:04.920
Well, my father, I think, was concerned.

24:05.920 --> 24:11.369
You know, he did take me to a hospital, and in 1975,

24:11.599 --> 24:13.310
I don't think they had DNA.

24:13.680 --> 24:18.010
I think they did an exam to see if there was
any physical trauma inside of me.

24:18.780 --> 24:21.569
And there was a police officer present during
the exam.

24:22.479 --> 24:28.839
She wanted to know exactly what happened, and I
remember at age 15 how inadequately I described

24:28.839 --> 24:31.199
it, and she just sort of left it at that.

24:31.479 --> 24:33.550
I mean, I really didn't say very much.

24:34.079 --> 24:36.989
I would assume now maybe a bigger effort would
have been made.

24:37.619 --> 24:39.030
They just dropped it, and that was it.

24:39.910 --> 24:46.819
The fact that we created this process really
helped begin to legitimize the

24:46.819 --> 24:50.410
crime as a crime, at least within the emergency
department.

24:50.699 --> 24:55.050
The nurses began to take it more seriously.
The physicians began to take it more seriously.

24:55.339 --> 24:58.859
And in large part, even the police who
accompanied these victims often to the

24:58.859 --> 25:01.199
emergency room began to take it more seriously.

25:01.540 --> 25:03.329
What we also did was to help.

25:03.969 --> 25:09.439
Begin to standardize the documentation of the
exam, because up until that point,

25:09.729 --> 25:15.589
so many of the exams, when they did get to court
if they ever did get to court,

25:15.750 --> 25:20.189
were tainted by the examiner's own bias that
went into the notes.

25:20.310 --> 25:27.219
They would write things in the documentation
that questioned the victim's sobriety or

25:27.229 --> 25:28.869
appearance or judgment.

25:29.324 --> 25:32.125
Of what they were wearing or where they were,
you know,

25:32.324 --> 25:36.724
claims to be such and such. You know, they put
their own biases into the interpretation of the

25:36.724 --> 25:43.324
documentation, and we began to struggle against
that and to use forms and to use documentation

25:43.324 --> 25:45.234
procedures that minimize that issue.

26:01.229 --> 26:05.300
What we also know is that we have to keep
training, and we have to keep training, and we

26:05.300 --> 26:10.219
have to keep training the doctors as well, you
know, even though we have these experts right

26:10.219 --> 26:15.579
now, they're not everywhere, but I think that the
kit has made a major impact,

26:15.829 --> 26:16.900
you know, in treatment.

26:32.069 --> 26:37.920
Yeah.
This is the 24th anniversary of Crime Victims'

26:37.920 --> 26:41.599
Rights Week.
It is also the 25th anniversary of the Victims

26:41.599 --> 26:46.390
of Crime Act, which is a federal statute that
really made major changes for the rights of

26:46.390 --> 26:47.560
crime victims.

26:47.810 --> 26:52.630
So it is a day of remembrance and honor,
although it is also a sad day,

26:52.959 --> 26:58.119
as we remember those who have been killed, as
we remember those who have been hurt by acts of

26:58.119 --> 27:02.270
violence.
But it's also a day that everyone knows that

27:02.270 --> 27:07.619
they're not alone, so it's quite, it's a very
emotional day for all of us,

27:07.949 --> 27:08.949
but it's a very beautiful day.

27:42.260 --> 27:44.650
I always looked at rape as a women's issue.

27:45.260 --> 27:48.540
After all, women are overwhelmingly the victims
of this crime.

27:49.359 --> 27:54.050
Even for those of us who have never been
assaulted, we live with the fear of rape.

27:54.599 --> 28:00.160
We learn not to make eye contact with strangers.
We learn to never leave our drinks unattended

28:00.160 --> 28:03.709
at the bar.
We carry pepper spray in our purses.

28:04.359 --> 28:09.040
Rape has really come to govern our lives in
ways that it just doesn't for men.

28:10.949 --> 28:12.689
And then I met Dave.

28:13.569 --> 28:20.410
His story forced me to acknowledge my own bias
and also to consider that our very gendered,

28:20.689 --> 28:24.520
still sexist culture really makes victims of us
all.

28:27.619 --> 28:29.689
My name is David.
I'm 36.

28:29.900 --> 28:32.599
Possibly the biggest passion that I have is
writing.

28:33.150 --> 28:35.089
I was born in Johannesburg.

28:35.500 --> 28:40.739
I grew up in various small towns and left South
Africa when I was 21.

28:41.699 --> 28:43.300
I pretty much didn't look back.

28:43.989 --> 28:45.939
The thing that I needed from New York

28:47.920 --> 28:49.030
was the openness.

28:50.530 --> 28:55.180
And I think one of the things that immediately
appealed to me was that everybody appeared

28:55.180 --> 28:58.849
to be crazy, which was great because it meant I
would fit in just fine.

29:05.969 --> 29:11.859
Here at the Crime Victim's Treatment Center, we
were the first program in New York City to have

29:11.859 --> 29:13.859
a specific program for men.

29:14.380 --> 29:17.810
We all did start in a very grassroots way in a
very feminist way,

29:17.819 --> 29:21.939
and it was really important in our beginnings
to talk about the ways in which women were

29:21.939 --> 29:26.489
violated and disrespected, but we had sort of a
blanket distrust of men.

29:27.390 --> 29:33.000
And when a man did come to us, because he
had been victimized in some way,

29:33.130 --> 29:36.510
if he walked through that door, everybody was
really suspicious, like who is he?

29:36.520 --> 29:40.449
Is he a batterer?
And I think gradually over a period of time

29:40.449 --> 29:42.880
people became aware of their own biases.

29:43.420 --> 29:47.890
It was a very, very feminine environment
walking in,

29:48.130 --> 29:50.439
and we had Rosie the Riveter, yeah.

29:53.140 --> 29:54.250
It was pretty girly.

29:54.540 --> 29:58.329
We talked about it and we did some very simple
things, for example,

29:58.579 --> 30:04.020
we changed all of the pictures and then we
hired Rommel.

30:04.329 --> 30:08.900
Louise can tell you, when I first came here, I
actually couldn't say the word rape.

30:10.349 --> 30:12.530
Really, like just all the incident.

30:13.300 --> 30:18.770
Like, I whispered and, you know, Rommel, what
happened to this man?

30:20.010 --> 30:22.339
He was raped, he was raped, right, yes.

30:24.420 --> 30:26.430
I was attending a primary school.

30:27.550 --> 30:32.839
And there was a sporting event where a high
school was invited to our school and I was

30:32.839 --> 30:35.199
having a shower in

30:35.989 --> 30:38.119
the public shower room in the school.

30:39.530 --> 30:42.290
And two high school boys found me there.

30:44.589 --> 30:45.859
And they

30:47.839 --> 30:52.810
started with them making jokes about how
inadequate

30:54.030 --> 30:56.140
I was physically.

30:58.069 --> 31:00.510
And it went downhill from there.

31:04.609 --> 31:07.010
You know, I know that they hit me.

31:09.130 --> 31:15.250
I know that they hurt me and that they kept on
hitting me while they were doing it.

31:16.900 --> 31:20.209
There is still the perception that men do not
get raped.

31:20.530 --> 31:25.890
Are not sexually assaulted unless they're gay
or in prison.

31:26.489 --> 31:31.530
So there is an idea that, first of all, this
isn't supposed to happen to a man,

31:31.540 --> 31:34.839
and if it does, that he can't be much of a man.

31:35.489 --> 31:39.739
When the two high school boys were attacking me,
they called me a slut.

31:39.810 --> 31:43.699
They called me a whore, and it was like they
were trying to make me a girl.

31:44.050 --> 31:46.569
It also, in the same stroke, taught me

31:48.170 --> 31:49.640
an unspoken lesson.

31:50.869 --> 31:53.329
And that was that to be male is to hurt.

31:55.140 --> 31:57.969
To be male is to do violence onto someone else.

32:03.699 --> 32:08.280
It affected not only my questions about my
sexual orientation,

32:08.369 --> 32:13.040
it affected and raised questions about my
sexual identity as a man.

32:13.209 --> 32:16.199
Now I had this as a pervasive absence.

32:17.099 --> 32:18.699
Until well into my twenties.

32:20.089 --> 32:23.719
That I wasn't a man. I didn't know what I was.

32:27.319 --> 32:29.229
But I didn't feel like a man.

32:30.670 --> 32:33.949
It's hard enough for a woman to report a sexual
assault.

32:34.180 --> 32:38.780
It's really hard for a man to report a sexual
assault in terms of how the police are going to

32:38.780 --> 32:43.119
be looking at.
Ok, uh, my name is Grace Marie O'Donnell.

32:43.189 --> 32:45.420
I'm a sergeant with the NYPD.

32:45.750 --> 32:51.260
I've been on the police force for over 20 years,
and I'm currently in the Special Victims division.

32:51.469 --> 32:55.739
Our office has really been proactive in working
with police,

32:55.910 --> 33:00.310
working with detectives, working with sex
crimes units to help change their attitudes so

33:00.310 --> 33:03.510
that when a man comes in, no matter if he's

33:04.229 --> 33:05.520
extremely effeminate,

33:06.640 --> 33:08.030
or looks like a bodybuilder,

33:08.780 --> 33:10.849
that when he's telling you he's been raped,

33:11.640 --> 33:15.689
you give that person the same kind of attention
as you would a woman.

33:15.989 --> 33:20.349
I tend to say she is the victim and he is the
suspect perpetrator.

33:22.050 --> 33:24.400
Those are the majority of our cases.

33:24.689 --> 33:28.020
Do I have same-sex sexual assaults? Absolutely.

33:28.900 --> 33:32.410
Do I have female perpetrators and male victims?

33:32.719 --> 33:36.219
Yes.
Can a female be arrested for rape?

33:38.500 --> 33:42.119
Where did all those hands go now? Yes.

33:43.390 --> 33:49.939
I, I didn't go to the police because I didn't,
I, I didn't see it in terms of

33:49.939 --> 33:51.589
crime and punishment.

33:51.810 --> 33:53.170
I didn't see it that way.

33:54.089 --> 34:00.689
It was my fault, and I didn't, I wasn't 100%
sure what had happened

34:01.170 --> 34:04.089
or how to handle it, but I was ashamed.

34:05.959 --> 34:12.840
What amazes me about this work is that we deal
all day long with people who have been abused.

34:13.290 --> 34:19.739
Who have such enormous strength and courage, men
and women who would rather

34:20.250 --> 34:26.370
and often do hurt themselves rather than ever
take it out on somebody else. That anger goes in,

34:26.449 --> 34:29.389
it doesn't go out.
It captures everybody's attention.

34:32.939 --> 34:37.689
The last portion of this afternoon is going to
be committed to recovery,

34:38.310 --> 34:45.219
and, um, it's my pleasure to introduce Dave who
has been a client at Crime Victims Treatment

34:45.219 --> 34:50.209
Center for quite some time, and no longer, I'm
pleased to say,

34:50.219 --> 34:56.250
and he's an exceptional, exceptional person.
I had been put in touch with Louise Kenley and

34:56.250 --> 34:57.250
Roel Washington.

34:57.820 --> 35:00.209
Who were running a group for men.

35:00.459 --> 35:06.540
One of the things that did come from that was
the sense of needing to hide was lessened.

35:08.649 --> 35:12.250
Because if I was a freak, at least I wasn't the
only freak anymore.

35:15.159 --> 35:19.449
One of the other things that came out of that
group was that for a long time I'd been

35:19.449 --> 35:22.719
chipping away at the walls between myself and
my writing.

35:22.919 --> 35:24.229
I wanted to write again.

35:24.560 --> 35:27.729
And during that group, I finally broke through
the wall.

35:28.399 --> 35:29.419
And I got her back.

35:34.669 --> 35:39.340
This is why we love the work that we do,
because, especially, I think about working with

35:39.340 --> 35:44.209
men.
Because I think that men are so often not given

35:44.209 --> 35:50.479
credit for that and maybe don't even let that
show—the strength that comes from gentleness,

35:51.050 --> 35:52.449
not the other kind of strength.

35:52.889 --> 35:59.399
You know, you're right, Louisa, I think the men
that we work with overwhelmingly have

35:59.409 --> 36:04.090
invested themselves to breaking that cycle and
not repeating it.

36:05.330 --> 36:08.719
The people at the CBTC helped me soak through
the ashes.

36:10.449 --> 36:11.899
So I could climb out of the.

36:13.899 --> 36:18.340
And look again.
Thank you.

36:25.169 --> 36:27.850
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of where I've
come from.

36:27.969 --> 36:30.169
I'm proud of the work that I've done, the
journey back,

36:30.260 --> 36:34.560
but I can't help but think sometimes, who would
I be now?

36:35.010 --> 36:39.649
Who would love me now if this hadn't happened
to me.

36:39.810 --> 36:46.659
I think that performing and the process of,
of creating it and sort of revising

36:46.850 --> 36:53.530
um, the show has definitely given me a way to
reclaim my voice and,

36:53.739 --> 36:56.820
and feel that power and that control
again.

36:57.820 --> 37:01.020
Here's what I have learned and what I'm still
learning.

37:02.179 --> 37:03.879
Is how to fully own me.

37:04.330 --> 37:09.600
Now, whatever point of the journey I am on, who
I am at this instant,

37:10.409 --> 37:15.050
not who I was, not who I want to be, but me,
full of me,

37:15.209 --> 37:19.169
all of me, me at the ebb and flow, expressing
myself sexually,

37:19.219 --> 37:22.449
me at 160 pounds, me.

37:23.699 --> 37:28.629
When you start to get to the recovery phase,
and you start to get to the healing phase,

37:28.820 --> 37:32.739
I know for me, and I would imagine that this
has got to be true for at least one other

37:32.739 --> 37:34.050
survivor on the planet.

37:35.080 --> 37:41.340
I was expecting my healing moments and my aha
moments to be as huge and

37:41.340 --> 37:47.610
impacting and nervous system shaking as
the traumatic experiences were.

37:48.979 --> 37:55.120
But for me, they were often like the metaphorical picturesque moment of the clouds
parting and the sun coming down and shining.

37:55.120 --> 37:57.590
There were moments of great peace.

37:59.129 --> 38:03.820
And that may sound a little, I know, cliché and
hallmark card-esque,

38:03.959 --> 38:07.409
but there were moments of great peace.

38:08.840 --> 38:10.320
There were moments of quiet.

38:11.669 --> 38:15.639
Where finally things settled, everything
settles.

38:16.860 --> 38:19.689
And it's the best feeling in the world.

38:27.169 --> 38:33.040
The old proverb about crisis being also an
opportunity is really true.

38:33.330 --> 38:38.840
When your life has been completely torn apart,
uh, that's when you have an opportunity to

38:38.840 --> 38:40.199
really look at.

38:40.850 --> 38:43.770
There it is spread out on the floor in front of
you, but you,

38:43.780 --> 38:46.159
you get to decide how to put it back together
again.

38:51.739 --> 38:56.000
I've let go of most of the anger.
I've forgiven my parents and I actually have a

38:56.000 --> 38:57.469
good relationship with them now.

38:57.840 --> 39:00.750
I mean, it took a lot of work to get to this
point.

39:01.639 --> 39:02.689
I feel really healed.

39:03.120 --> 39:05.800
I was a very negative person.
I think I'm not so,

39:06.000 --> 39:07.120
so negative anymore.

39:07.969 --> 39:12.429
I, I mean, I'm, that's what my goal is anyway.

39:13.030 --> 39:14.429
So pick up to the 44.

39:22.159 --> 39:27.399
So this brings us to our last storyteller of
the evening.

39:27.570 --> 39:29.189
Please welcome to the stage, David.

39:34.649 --> 39:36.830
I'm not interested in surviving anymore.

39:38.139 --> 39:40.899
I've done that, I've done that for far too long.

39:42.080 --> 39:45.969
I want to live.
Rape is a heinous crime.

39:46.080 --> 39:50.750
It is a crime, you know, and we can't forget
that and um and.

39:51.379 --> 39:54.989
It does have many different manifestations on a
person's life.

39:55.560 --> 40:00.070
Um, on the other hand, I wouldn't do this work
if, um,

40:00.320 --> 40:06.080
if it didn't work. When I think of many of these women and men
that we see.

40:06.370 --> 40:08.080
I respect the resiliency of the human spirit.

40:09.389 --> 40:12.379
And at some point during their process of recovery, so do they.

40:13.520 --> 40:17.919
I had this older woman come up to me after my performance and thank me for sharing my
story.

40:20.239 --> 40:27.080
She told me that she had never told a soul.
It happened to her a long, long time ago.

40:27.080 --> 40:31.810
And she said, you know, thank you for your
words. Your words are my words.

40:31.939 --> 40:34.169
And it just completely changed my life.

40:34.540 --> 40:38.929
We as a culture have been raised. I certainly was raised with a lot of myths with
a lot of bias. Good girls don't get raped.

40:39.219 --> 40:41.010
OK, what does that mean?

40:41.379 --> 40:46.070
Um, you know, there were myths and I think some of the some of the emergency room biases at

41:05.250 --> 41:10.449
that time when we started the program we heard. Heard all the time from other medical
providers what's the big deal, you know, we're we're a hospital we're not a place of violence,

41:10.449 --> 41:12.879
you know, uh, we don't treat violence we, you know, we treat strokes.

41:13.129 --> 41:14.360
Um, there was no connection to public health

41:14.800 --> 41:19.489
and sexual violence. I remember, in the early days of the program we were so
excited about how much of an impact we were having when we got a call in the emergency room

41:19.489 --> 41:26.090
from a team of police officers who were up at Harlem Hospital with another victim. They knew
we knew what we were doing down here because we had started this program.

41:26.090 --> 41:31.169
Harlem Hospital at that point did not have a program. And so they called us to find out how to make
it right. Now this is unheard of. When you change systems and you change your way

41:31.250 --> 41:35.129
of thinking, we were changing, we're changing culture about. That's right.

41:35.489 --> 41:40.959
We as a culture had no connection to public health and sexual violence.

41:41.090 --> 41:45.260
I remember in the early days of the program we were so excited about how much of an impact we were
having when we got a call in the emergency room from a team of police officers who were up at Harlem Hospital

41:45.260 --> 41:51.149
with another victim. They knew we knew what we were doing down here because we had started this program.

41:51.149 --> 41:56.510
Harlem Hospital at that point did not have a program, and so they called us to find out how to make
it right.

41:56.659 --> 42:00.360
Now, this is unheard of. When you change systems and you change your way
of thinking, we were changing culture about.

42:00.500 --> 42:02.860
That's right.

42:03.320 --> 42:05.590
We as a culture had no connection to public health and sexual violence, and I remember in the early days of the program
we were so excited about how much of an impact we were having when we got a call in the emergency room.

42:05.709 --> 42:09.350
From a team of police officers who were up at Harlem Hospital with another victim. They knew we knew what we were doing down here because we had started this program.
That's right.

42:09.350 --> 42:13.620
That's right.

42:13.770 --> 42:14.110
That's right.